I get what you are saying. I try not to get sucked into his drama but it is so hard. Especially when D13 comes home from a visit with him.
Just today she came home and told me she was helping him put clothes away and found a box of condems unopened and that she was on his computer and there was porn on there.
She was asking so many questions, and as it hurt me deeply I had to explain that her dad is ill and that as far as I know he isn't with anyone because she is afraid of him going to a different woman.
I know they lie like you wouldn't believe but he just told me when we were together that he is out of practice because the last time he was with a woman was me in Nov. but he did tell me about the porn. Is this normal? I have so many questions for this site and for all of you wonderful people.
I read on posts that they are hurting inside deeply and put on masks to make it look like they are happy. Is that true? I just don't get all of the stuff that goes on with a MLC?
He knows God love her that she has a big mouth and tells him stuff and me stuff. So I don't know if this is to push my buttons or to get me to contact him or just to upset me because he knows at least I think he knows I'm standing for our M.
How do I respond to him about the dating thing not being a good idea? Do I agree with him?
How do I own up to things though that brought us to this point? In the beginning he was telling me how I was to easy on the kids and things and I agreed with him and said that I realized I was.
But just on the 17th he was saying things like "I heard things about you." I know we aren't suppose to defend ourselves and I think I messed up there too. I don't know if people are making things up and telling him things or it was to see my reaction. And I came right out and defended myself like a fool. Told him I haven't even gone out on a date or anything since the separation. How do I show him changes in me when he doesn't come around? He makes fun of me because of me going to church now and so on.
And you know about the lies already. He has told people that I cheated and thats why he left which is no way true. But I think he honestly believes it. He thinks I cheated on him since we were dating. How do I get that out of his head? It is NO where true! He use to say when we were together that the past is the past and now he throws things up to my face about the past. Is it your H or you W that is going through MLC? Are you together or apart?
Where are you though in your sitch? Does your S contact you? Are you seeing any improvement? Did they file for D? See mine filed for a no fault within 2 months. Then when I said I would give it to him, he said he didn't want it.
Then just on the 17th he said he didn't know what he wanted then the following day denied saying that he didn't know what he wanted. This whole thing is driving me crazy. Do all MLCers do this? Bounce from one thing to another? Check out where he told D13 that he was moving a month ago because he couldn't afford the apartment he is at (which he can), and now he is checking out a place in the opposite direction of where he lives now and it is a house. He has ruined our credit! And this will be the fourth time he has moved in 16 months.
GF, Your D is only 12. As her mother and it appears her sole protector you need to set some boundaries about her visitations with her father. Apparently he is not concerned as to what she finds when she visits him. Document these things and tell him that if he continues to have these types of things where she can see them that he will have to visit her at your place or take her out. It is definitely not a healthy environment for a 12 year old. When you set the boundaries be firm and in control. Do not let him push your buttons, but make him understand that what he has in plain view is inappropriate for your daughter. MLC or not, NO one messes with mama bear's babies!
As far as a MLC lying believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. Please prepare yourself that there is or may have been an ow. At the very least if you continue to be intimate with him protect yourself.
You know your H better than anyone. Does he look like he's truly happy? My H tries to make it look like he's done the right thing by leaving and living with ow but my D's call it "Fake daddy happy." My H's eyes are hollow and his skin is gray. He's definitely depressed and unhappy. Sooner or later most wake up and realize that you and the M weren't the source of their unhappiness. Until the time that they are willing to face their issues and deal with them, they'll keep running.
Has your H asked you what you think of him dating?
Hang in there GF. Patience for the LBS is the key.
I read on posts that they are hurting inside deeply and put on masks to make it look like they are happy. Is that true? I just don't get all of the stuff that goes on with a MLC?
Yes this is true. It is what is called masked depression. It is very common in MLC. The OM/OW gives them the power to put on a happy face. It is a quick fix, a drug, however when this fails then they fall into a deep depression. That depression is obvious to all and some times the MLC'er wants to commit suicide during this state.
A lot of this information is in the resources.
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How do I respond to him about the dating thing not being a good idea?
I would try to avoid talking at all, part of your detach/NC but if you must communicate then yes validate. "I understand how you feel"
Keep reading and posting and as time goes along this will get easier.
It was my X that changed after 25yr of M and two grown sons. There is almost never a MLC without deep depression, so when you saw depression you were not confused. They are lost and they are depressed. They are not who they used to be and they don't know who they are supposed to become, only that they are somehow being driven through a change they can not avoid.
Many of us LBS become so sad, so depressed, or stricken by panic attacks that we seek counseling and/or doctor's care with AntiDepressants (ADs). I was no exception.
I won't forget the days I was catatonic. A miracle I kept my job, and did not hurt myself. Well, that is not completely true. I did hurt myself by putting off talking to someone. I hurt myself by isolating myself. I hurt myself by trying to count all the ways I must have caused this and deserve my punishment.
Don't do those things. Don't hurt yourself that way. Your MLCer is not doing that to you, you are. We understand why, but you must help yourself by setting limits on the time you will set aside for grieving and match that with at least equal time spent doing something for yourself.
Work on placing great value on the time you spend with your daughter, or other family and friends. Consider your own spiritual health. That may involve church, meditation, or yoga - or all of them. Volunteering in some activity keeps you around other people and adds a purpose to your days.
Your MLCer did not stop loving you. He may have become so depressed with his own life that he is unable to feel real love at this time. He is numb, but doesn't want to be. He did re-write the history of your M so he can avoid the huge wall of guilt falling upon him. He doesn't want to be challenged or questioned. You know him best and that threatens him. He doesn't want to hurt you, or be hurt by what he is doing to you. That is not your fault. Try to validate his comments when you speak. You don't have to agree that you two should get a D, in order to say you understand he is hurt and feels that is the best thing for him. It is okay to validate his concerns. It is not okay to stop standing for your M. Keep the two apart.
No one can promise anything, but I will tell you I see more men get through this crisis and return than women.
MLCers are consumed with these thoughts: What about me? When is my time? Is this all there is?
He does not want to date, like it sounds. MLCers self medicate. They prescribe themselves alcohol or drugs for their depression. They spend money for the instant gratification. They refuse professional help because they refuse to think they are broken. It is the world that is not working for them, not the other way around. The passion of a new relationship releases a chemical in the brain and the high is intense. It is a drug. It can be addicting. Your relationship has existed long enough for the body to adjust and settle down. He wants a new fix. If an OW appears, it is not as much a matter of the heart and soul, but a way of getting a fix and distracting himself from the hard work he needs to do on himself.
You have security and support to offer, but his brain wants a fix, a new drug to numb the depression and keep him from facing his worst fears. He will actually feel less the blame if he sees you doing ok. If he sees the pain he is causing you, he can't be around you. He won't. One of the many reasons you will be told to GAL. It returns many positives to you. If you feel you would be pretending or lying that you are ok, then make two rules.
1. Pretend to your H, but not your doctor or those you counsel with.
2. Learn to Fake It till you Make It. People learn that if they say they are ok, and act like they are ok, they slowly become ok.
My concern is only that you don't bottle up your innermost pressures too much before you speek with someone. Give yourself a pressure release valve.
He has some very hard issues to deal with. He is the only person that can do the hard work. He won't be forced. He won't do it quickly, and maybe not for some time. Some MLCers refuse to ever do what they must, and stay stuck.
Please don't focus on him. Listen to the people here that know how important you are. Listen to them when they say focus on doing things for you, taking care of yourself, and getting whatever kind of support or help you can.
I'm sorry GF, I missed your post above about your H accusing you of cheating. Your H sounds like he is projecting on you to justify his actions. Sometimes it is their guilt of what they've done or thinking about doing that makes them do this. You've told him you haven't and that's all you can do. You can't control him or his thoughts and actions.
As far as him making fun of you, the changes he sees in you may be threatening to him. He wants to have you where he left you. Those changes have to be for you and if they're helping you that's what counts. Do not worry about what your alien thinks about them at this stage, he's not rational.
I see that your D is 13 now. I still believe the things that your H has around his place are inappropriate for her to see. You can set a boundary with your H if you agree. There is a way to set them without being overly confrontational and in a kind way. Hopefully it struck a chord with him by how your D reacted by seeing it.
You're getting some great advice and posts here from some very experienced DBers. Listen to them GF and take it to heart. You will get through this and be stronger for it. (((Hugs)))
SA, They were in his dresser drawer so now I don't know whether to think she was snooping or he did have her helping him. I can't imagine him having her put his underwear away but you never know now the way he is acting. A friend of mine said he might have put them in there so she would come home and tell me. They weren't open. But you are right, and I plan on telling him about it but can anyone help me word it. I plan on texting him.
When I saw him he looked like I look, except he has gained a lot of weight (from the drinking I guess) where I lost a lot of weight. He had dark circles under his eyes like I do from not getting sleep. And our D13 says he still isn't himself. He goes from getting mad to sad to happy.
How long have you been in your sitch? You seem so strong and it doesn't look like you've been here long. But then again I was better at 8 months then I am now. I fear the longer it is the worse and harder it is to get him to come out of this.
As far as the dating thing goes with my H. He feels he is single since we separated. His step-mother helped him out with that one. She is the one who set up a facebook account for him and everything.
