Um...I wasn't saying you are not strong. I was saying that you have to THINK you are strong. Because you are, but you have to think you are.....Make sense?
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
Did you go through a MLC or was it your S? It seems you know exactly what is going on. I wish I would have known this was a MLC in the beginning but I didn't. Thought it was just his depression and he would get help and come home.
Now I'm in such a deep depression, never was I this sad for this long. I'm having panic attacks that keep me from going out and GAL, I'm so down and out that I don't even want to do things around the house. Can't wait for the weekend to come so I don't have to work then our D13 is with H and all I do is cry because I'm all alone and thinking all of the time.
Do they go from loving you to hating you or how does this work? One minute he is fine and the next he makes no contact at all except to our D13.
If he wants to date someone then why not date your spouse? None of this is making sense to me right now
If H is hurting why won't he let me or someone help him? He knows I'm standing for our M. Do I agree with him and say that I think he is right for us not to date?
I'm not strong at all though. I'm a mess! I don't know what happened here to me. Thought and so did family and friends always consider me a strong person but I'm not anymore. I feel like I'm the weakest of them all.
When we were together and we were talking, I can't remember what he said but he said something to hurt me and then said don't cry. I told him I wasn't crying. And I was about to but I wasn't. Why would he want to make me cry? This is the man that said if he ever lost me he wouldn't know where to turn!
Goodfight, before you can even begin to deal with your H you have to get control of the only person you can control, yourself. You can't help your H through this, he has to figure it out for himself. If your H is going through a MLC, even getting back on his meds consistantly for his depression will probably not bring him home. This is a journey he has to complete and trying to interrupt it will just add time to it.
You are trying to come at it like your H is the rational person he was before this started. He's not, and won't be for a long time. It's all about him right now and it doesn't matter who gets hurt as he plows through. Try not to take his spew personally, it's really not about you, you didn't cause this and you can't fix it. Your H is trying to outrun the pain and find happiness. He doesn't realize yet that happiness comes from within and that shedding all the external responsibility (you and kids)isn't going to make him happy. Again, he will have to figure it out himself. Telling him these things will not help and backfire by making him angry and push him farther away.
As far as your children are concerned right now, you're it. There is no one to back you up. You are the guide that will get them through this. They will be watching you closely to see how you handle all this and it will be a life lesson for them. It isn't fair or easy, but it's up to you to make it a positive one. Yes, it is life altering for all of you, but you have to dig down for the strength to pave the way that sees you all through.
Give your H what he wants. Back off, no contact unless absolutely necessary. If you have to contact your H about kids or finances, keep it brief, simple and non personal. If you're always present he won't have a chance to see what life is like without you.
Do not bring up your R. Let your H initiate any convos about that. Listen and validate what he's says by saying you understand he feels that way. Do not try to defend yourself or reason with him as you would make more progress by repeatedly banging your head against the wall. Validating doesn't mean you agree with him, it just means that you understand those are his feelings right now. He will rewrite your marital history to justify his actions. Do not try and set him straight, just validate.
During your H's journey you have a choice to make. You can either spin and let your H's antics continue to depress and bring you down or you can grab yourself by the bootstraps, pick yourself up, dust off and use this opportunity for yourself. Get a plan and course of action. Change those things that you don't like when you look into the mirror. Use this time to figure out what YOU want. Get to the place where you know that you will be better than OK no matter how your sitch turns out.
I know this is hard and you didn't ask for it, but it is your choice as to what you do with it. It can either defeat you or make you stronger. That is the power you have in this.
Seeking Answers gave you great advice, the only thing I will add is: Are you on anti-depressants? If not I would suggest you look in to them. If you are depressed you will not think clearly and make good decisions. There is no shame in taking these and you can go off them when things are a little better.
Thank you so much for trying to help me understand. I guess I did all of the wrong things and now I'm worried that I messed up for the past 16 months and made it worse.
It's just that he confuses me so much and the kids. He just said to our D13 3 weeks ago that if he came back to the house he wouldn't know how he would get along with S19. Then a 1 1/2 weeks ago he is texting me asking if I need help with the pool. Water is on the cover and it needs to be taken off so I said yes. But then he didn't come do it, we got together instead. And when he dropped D13 off last week from a visit he didn't do it then either.
I was reading posts on here from years ago and it says to love them no matter what. Do I let him know that we love and miss him deeply. It says that they (MLCrs) need to know that. Is that part true. I'm standing for this marriage but I'm at a loss now that it seems after all of this time he is going through a MLC. And I was on Newcomers for almost a year.
OP, I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me. Yes I am on antidepressants. It took 4 different ones before they finally started to help a little and to stop me from losing weight. But the Dr. tells me that pills are not going to stop this alone and that I need to help myself too.
I'm really trying but with the panic attacks that came along with the depression it is very very hard to GAL and to stop thinking. The panic attacks happen when I drive so I don't want to go anywhere at all.
Ok well you drive anyway and when the panic or crying hits, you just pull in somewhere and let it out. Works for me.
Besides some of you're best thinking can happen in the car and a song on the radio, might get you going again.
On the panic attacks, I went to the book store and got a couple of those audio cd's on how to help with meditation and reducing anxiety, it all boils down to breathing a certain way.
GF, do not give the last 16 months any more head space. That's past. You only have to deal with today. Sometimes it's by a second at a time.
You are confused because you let yourself be sucked into your H's drama. Step back and detach from the alien he is now. Save yourself and your kids. There's nothing you can do to fix this for your H.
When your H sees you portray confidence and happiness. Nothing over the top, but fake it until you make it. With MLC confusion and waffling they are drawn to strength and calmness. Be the beacon that sheds light on the path home. Someone told me to "Be the change you want to see."
Do not tell you H how much you love and miss him. That is pursuing and acting needy. Actions speak louder than words. Move your life forward. You can stand without standing still.
Do 180's. Any way to get the water off the top of the pool yourself? Can you get your S to help? What about other things your H said during a spew session. Were there things that he said that stung? Usually those are the things that you could work on and change. Do them for yourself though and not for your H. Own the things that got you to this point in your R, but do NOT take the blame for your H's MLC. You didn't cause it and you can't stop or fix it. Take this time as an opportunity to work on yourself. It will stand you in good stead no matter what happens in your R.
As you calm and center yourself hopefully the panic attacks will be reduced and stop. This is your time to take your own journey of self discovery. Don't waste it by becoming so wrapped up in whether your H returns or not that you don't make the necessary changes for yourself.
As far as GALing do projects around the house until you can trust yourself to drive again. Keep busy.
Keep posting and do any venting here instead of to your H. Keep reading and learning because knowledge is power.
You can do this, and you will come out better than OK. We'll be here to help you along the way.
I read some of your thread in Newcomers and stuff.
Listen it's not too late!!
Are you dead? Nope, so no it's not too late.
What most of us were doing at the beginning wasn't working, so now it's time for us to do something different.
Some of us it takes time to get it. I still bounce all over the place, but I sure know now what wasn't working.
GF you have given birth to two children, you got one all the way to adult hood, go back to your post, everyone including you saw yourself as strong, when it comes to MLC and I agree with HB, we do become the opposite of what we were.
But as a mother you already have the instinct to be the strength.
For us to even get to the place we know where we'll be ok, we have to be able to pick ourselves off the floor.
If you don't have the daughter this weekend, get all over this forum.
You will find inspiration, something you struggled with understanding or doing will be explained a different way and you can have an AHAH moment.
The new thread is awesome that about the stages of grief that we go through and it gives us the permission to hold out as long as we the LBS' want to.
But the key to everything, is WE have to get our self esteem and our strength up, that's the first part of our journey.
I'm like you I'm always thinking and talking to myself. But it has gotten a lot easier on me, once I started to detach.
We have to get ourselves to a point where the MLC'er is missing out on us, not us on them, regardless we have the good and bad memories if they ever ask for them back.
There is pride and hope in that.
Be the old you a little bit, I know if I ticked my wife off, I got the silent treatment and she did what she was going to do AND LOOK AT THAT SHE IS.
Time for you to start doing the same.
And take you and your daughter to get a manicure:)
AYK, no I haven't tried any of those tapes or anything. But will check into them. I'm in counseling for them plus the depression. Thanks for the information. Will have to check into getting some tapes.
