Your wife would take from what I remember minimum of twelve WEEKS to get past him... and THAT is assuming she has NO reminders of him floating around... no gifts, no letters, no photos...
She sees him how many days a week? Five?
It will take her at least SIX months AND the following will help that along :
1. OM NOT saying ANYTHING to her, IGNORING her COMPLETELY 2. OM showing commitment to his wife... bugying flowers while at work and telling everyone they are for his wife, OM announcing he is reknewing his vows in Hawaii this summer, him bringing his wife and kids in to work to meet everyone, etc 3. Your wife NOT pursuing him actively.. her TRYING to ignore him.
As it is,its gonna take her a LONG time, assuming He sends HER consistent and CLEAR mesages that he's a married man.
He SHOULD have done this in the first place instead of putting the moves on her... NOW he's got her chasing him... the idiot
And the fact that he's saying things like "we can't talk like that anymore" pretty much is him admittin they were having an emotional affair.. he isn't saying affair, but he's admitting it when he says "that way"...
Ideally what you WANT is OM PROTECTING your marriage like your OTHER friend is doing... long term goal at best...
But your wife chasing him around is good practice for him.. he NEEDS to learn to say NO to people who threaten his marriage, and he has'nt had enough practice at that...
The OM has to do the OPPOSITE of what YOU are doing really.. intersting situation ... but that's about it.. he has to act indifferent to her and show her NO signs he's worth chasing and YOU have to do the opposite
Show her you DO love her and show her signs you ARE worth chasin...
When he said "that way" he meant often and on the phone. From what I gather from everyone keeping an eye out since day one. He was being his self (obnoxious. She sought him out to seek advice about spousal abuse since he had mentioned his mother was abused in so many ways by his father and so she started to ask him questions. Questions became conversation. All while this was going on everybody told me he was just acting normal and my W started to change and pursue him.
And from what I gather now the phone convos stopped but she still attempts to communicate with him at work. I can't tell her who she can or cannot talk to but I told her there are boundaries. I also told him to back off. I will see how the next day or two play out. I plan on calling OmW about this matter. My only concern is she would give up and create more of a havoc.
I read something about gifts ect. So far it has been confirmed nothing more than talk.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I'm concerned that any interaction with OMW about this is unwarranted since you've already spoken to OM. In fact, IMO, unless the flames kick up again; I'd keep talking to OM at this point since he will take your calls.
You want to be careful with too many phone calls to either one of them. My gut says just keep using the info from your friend at her job to give you the temp of what is occurring there. If the need arises; then make contact.
This needs to be a balanced surveillance. You want her to come back and not see you as controlling. If you're controlling her every move but constantly calling OM and OMW about stuff you hear from your friend; she's going to get frustrated.
Plus, you want to be careful about calling someone else's wife. When I busted my W's A in '08 by calling OMW; once she went off on him, I left her alone. I didn't want to put myself in the position where are common source of misery becomes the ignition for our own EA or PA.
I'm not saying that you never call her again; but I would reserve that call for when you get intel that the flames have arisen again. If they're trying to work on the M; they don't need constant reminders from you about the source of their problems. Your friend at W's work should be able to give you what you need for monitoring your boundary.
Allen may disagree with me..I'm not sure. I just have to believe that there may be a point of diminishing returns of frequent phone calls to their house; especially if they feel their M is moving forward from this.
The thing is MC, "flames" are hard to identify just from indirect observation...
From the beginning of this OIN's wife WAS falling for the guy and all OIN's friens at work said they were "just talking"
I don't konw how much infidelity script you have ever heard MC but "just talking" is at the top of the list.
MOST affairs start out by two people "just talking"
You dont' want to wait until someone finds them mounting each other in the conference room before you act.
If you find two married people talking to each other alot in private, you get IN there.. in my opinion that's a probelm waiting to happen... you can watch them all you want, but I say if there is chatter, you get in there...
NOW...
I DO agree MC that OM's wife should be called rarely.. OIN if OM will take your calls, talk to him... OMW should NOT mind about that.. you CAN just go visit them... buy a small gift and drop by their house, talk to BOTH of them... see where i am going?
My advice is to talk to those two as COUPLE, don't cut etiher of them otu of the loop... focus on OM though... he's the risk not OMW... and if you keep bypassing OM he's NOT gonig to support you.. if you talk to OM the OM will respect you mroe and be more likley to HELP you out.
I agree MC, that OMW should be included only if OM isnt' towing the line...
And ya, your wife will get pissed if you call OMW too much.. and right now you don't want her angry... if everyone is behaving themselves except your wife, then don't bother the other couple...
I didn't quite gather from your post exactly what OM is saying or doing... I worked all day so my brain didn't read it at 100%
Talk to OM first, if he isnt' cooperating then you go to his wife... TRY to talk to them as a couple if you can... Go visit thier place, bring a small gift, make it a social call... it wil give you some points with your wife if you do it that way rather than making direct private calls to OMW
Let me tell you a story MC, about something that happened in my workplace
A General Manager used to work for (female and divorced) used to take days off like everyone else.. but the intersting thing about this was she took teh SAME vacation days as one of her subordinate managers (male and married)
I hadn't worekd there that long at the time, maybe three months, but I saw this and I suspected something... I saw them talking... and that's it.
They WERE havign an affair. After about six months my co-worker let me into the inner circle..
After my first year there the subordinate maranger was moved to a new project.. at the end of the project his contract was not reknewed.. the female manager was moved to a new project after that which lasted six months.. again HER contract was not reknewed at the end of that project
No one ever saw them mounting each other... just them talking. But the execs got wind of it and let them go...
If you see something inappropriate happeng you get on it... don't wait for it to turn into an inferno... put the fire out asap I say
With OIN here his wife was office gossip already.. at THAT point ya gotta serious problem.
I understand you dont' want to make things bad at home but affairs are REALLY addictive... and HIGHLY destructive.. so I say throw all the guns you have at it
Allen..I certainly do NOT disagree with any point that you've made.
Ultimately, if OIN already has eyes and ears in her workplace; my point is to use them and if he has some uncertainty call the OM. As long as OM will still take his calls; I was only suggesting that route.
My fear is that too many calls to the OMW would raise suspicions in her H and OIN's own W. I just wouldn't want OIN to make so many phone calls that, eventually the OM and his W quit taking his calls. At that point, he loses his advantage.
Anyway, great points Allen.
Unfortunately, I do have experience with A scripts; my W had multiple.
I don't get hte impression OMW has any issues iwth the calls.. I got the impression from OIN that OMW WELCOMED his interference becasue he is saving HER marriage when he does that...
That's the impression I got, was that the wife wants the calls and hte intel, but the OM was a bit miffed at it.
But ya, OIN, we need to make sure we don't over do it there.. its a delicate rope to walk for sure...
IF you are too lax, then an affair starts, if you push to hard, your wife walks out on you... tough calls all around
