OK, OIN, thank you first for reconsidering the complimenting. Jasper made a good point about the complimenting that I hadn't even considered.
You are handling things well. What you really need to do is work yourself so hard you are in the habit of doing teh best thing in each instance. Before people's instincts are initially selfish. They say snd do what does best for them...
Usually after starting a db busting campaign they realize how quickly they thought of themselves and they have to work very hard to get OUT of that habit. The more you struggle with this, the more you will realize how much damage you were doing over the last ten years. The harder it is for you NOW, shows you how hard its been for her.
A lot of your work right now is just investment. This is like a mutual fund, not a hot stock. You put the $$ and wait... and wait... and wait...
You are unlikley to see overnight improvement, or even improvement over a few weeks. Even if you Do get a positive reaction from your wife one day, you will very likley get a negative one a few days later. You just keep acting lovingly to your wife, despite what SHE is doing. You should monitor regularly, but bear in mind its not going to mean much.
When you observe her doing something good on a CONSISTENT basis, like "she has wore her ring every day for the last MONTH" THEN you know you are on to something...
But if you monitor each eyeblink hoping for steady improvement you won't get it.. and it will drive YOU crazy in the process.
Mutual funds go up and down, up and down, but over the LONG HAUL they get to a much better place.
Bear in mind I am not a financial analyst or anythign, so maybe mutual fund might not be the best analogy... if someone wants to help me out here feel free.
BWP has a point here too. YOu can't sweat the shyness... there are WAY too many variables here to draw any reliable inference as to the meaning of it other than to say
Ya, she's got wayward syndrome...
And leave it at that. It may mean something more specific, but there's no way for us to know
The best thing to do I think is just to act past it. Ignore it essentially. You just keep doing your thing.
It's an interesting theory here...
If a person were deaf and blind, would they make a better partner?
They would certainly be better able to ride out a wayward spouse that's for sure...
when db'ing I often keep in my an image of a horse in a race... Horses have "blinders" on their harness tokeep from being distracted by the other horses to their sides... all they see is the path ahead of them. Divorce Busting is very similar to that, you can't peek at your spouse too often or you get distracted.
If you compare your wife NOW to how she was when she was having her EA, it think you would say "ya, she's better now"
So, that means you keep doing what you're doing. You can't compare day m to day n, but you can compare day a to day n and hope to see some mild improvement.
Assuming you ARE at day n, but I think you are likley only around day f or so... not near the halfway point yet. I would expect you to have to db for more than ten months... particularly with OM at her workplace and the people your wife hangs out with.
Just a bit off the subject here, you have indicated you are a police officer ya? Do you wear a uniform at home?
Women tend to swoon over that sort of thing. I am thinking there's something we may be able to do there if you have a uniform... need more info first.
I follow you. This morning I may have gone too far in a TM I sent her. Only after I sent it did I realize it was heavy pursuit. She did not respond to it. She has not even txt me since actually. Everyday (even during all this) she would routinely txt me when she was on her lunch break. It may have been a force of habit but she still did it. Today she did not. Now I know it is just a TM but it was validation for me and the fact she works with OM does not help the thought process.
Also my wife did not wear the ring to work today. Her wearing the ring is also validation for me. As I mentioned before she told me herself she would not wear it unless she fekt better abiut our situation. She wore it one day and someone at her work said something to get her upset and she said "I am done with my marriage" however she wore if the following day too. Then she did not wear it. That brings us up to tuesday where she wear it during our trip and wednesday on the way back. Today she did not put it on and as far as I was concerned things were better than they had been in weeks...now I am baffled.
Yes I am a police officer. My W was and is not impressed by the uniform. She is a different kind of woman. Everyday for the past 3 yrs she would lay out my uniform for me and help me off to work every evening (up till the sitch happened). Now I do this on my own. Most of the time when I am walking out the door for work she is already in bed. Other times when she is not I try to look "proper" as I leave and give a good impression but she does not go for it.
Let me be honest here. I work from 8p-6a my W works 4a-1230p so there is an overlap. My W parks in a lot and then takes a shuttle bus to her work place. I know this is pursuit but...I have been picking her up at the lot with my patrol vehicle on nights we both work and dropping her off at the work place. I do this because during that short 5 min ride we have great conversations, so it has become a comfort zone for us. The last two nights I worked I did drive her and those are the two nights she work the ring. Tuesday I was not working and she left home without the ring. Today I am not working and she left without the ring.
Besides the fact she had in her head I would be picking her up those two days so she wore the ring , I also think about what behaviors did I project that day that may have prompted her to do so...all I can think of was I wore cologne to work those days as well (had not in over a year up till then) and she watched me walk out the door and more than likely smelled me.
Knowing my wife and the way she was not how she is now...I. Think she would had wanted me to say something about her wearing the ring but I did not. She use to want that attention from me b4 this all happened. I played it cool and said nothing about the ring. I am not sure if she is now thinking "before he made a big deal of me wearing the ring now it does not maybe he does not want it anymore" and left it off then again these are my thoughts not hers. I don't know what makes her put it on and take it off and if it even means anything when she does put it on.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I follow you. This morning I may have gone too far in a TM I sent her. Only after I sent it did I realize it was heavy pursuit. She did not respond to it. She has not even txt me since actually. Everyday (even during all this) she would routinely txt me when she was on her lunch break. It may have been a force of habit but she still did it. Today she did not. Now I know it is just a TM but it was validation for me and the fact she works with OM does not help the thought process.
Also my wife did not wear the ring to work today. Her wearing the ring is also validation for me. As I mentioned before she told me herself she would not wear it unless she fekt better abiut our situation. She wore it one day and someone at her work said something to get her upset and she said "I am done with my marriage" however she wore if the following day too. Then she did not wear it. That brings us up to tuesday where she wear it during our trip and wednesday on the way back. Today she did not put it on and as far as I was concerned things were better than they had been in weeks...now I am baffled.
Yes I am a police officer. My W was and is not impressed by the uniform. She is a different kind of woman. Everyday for the past 3 yrs she would lay out my uniform for me and help me off to work every evening (up till the sitch happened). Now I do this on my own. Most of the time when I am walking out the door for work she is already in bed. Other times when she is not I try to look "proper" as I leave and give a good impression but she does not go for it.
Let me be honest here. I work from 8p-6a my W works 4a-1230p so there is an overlap. My W parks in a lot and then takes a shuttle bus to her work place. I know this is pursuit but...I have been picking her up at the lot with my patrol vehicle on nights we both work and dropping her off at the work place. I do this because during that short 5 min ride we have great conversations, so it has become a comfort zone for us. The last two nights I worked I did drive her and those are the two nights she work the ring. Tuesday I was not working and she left home without the ring. Today I am not working and she left without the ring.
Besides the fact she had in her head I would be picking her up those two days so she wore the ring , I also think about what behaviors did I project that day that may have prompted her to do so...all I can think of was I wore cologne to work those days as well (had not in over a year up till then) and she watched me walk out the door and more than likely smelled me.
Knowing my wife and the way she was not how she is now...I. Think she would had wanted me to say something about her wearing the ring but I did not. She use to want that attention from me b4 this all happened. I played it cool and said nothing about the ring. I am not sure if she is now thinking "before he made a big deal of me wearing the ring now it does not maybe he does not want it anymore" and left it off then again these are my thoughts not hers. I don't know what makes her put it on and take it off and if it even means anything when she does put it on.
THe thing is, in examining this it shows how much you are trying to analyze and control this sitaution. This is normal, but its also not very constructive.
Yes, her wearing the ring may ahve been your cologne but I will tell you a secret :
Not everything your wife does is because or about you
Sometimes she may just wear the ring beucase she can't find anything else that matches her outfit.. or she's in a hurry and forgot it today.. who knows.
It's unhealthy for you and your marriage for you to fixate too much on her behaviour. Take a quick temp each day, but you may need to let it go just a bit...
The analysis we can get here is very limited.
Just keep teh blinders on and keep a goin.
If you don' think the uniform helps then ya we may have to come up with something else creative.
Keep trying to come up with some creative ways to reassure her without pursuing her directly... there are some otu there, we just need to find them.
I had to do a little shopping today. Before I told my W I was going to do some shopping and left.
While I was out.. .
My friend called and I asked him how the situation at work is going. He told me the following.
He walked into briefing this morning and seen OM walking away from the seating area where my W was sitting. According to my friend she usually sits next to him in briefing and sometimes he would stand up.
My friend then told me he worked directly with OM and at one point my wife walked past and stood there for 10 min or so just watching them two work and engaged in small talk.
Later on OM approached my friend and said "I don't know what do to, we talked for like 10 min" and said my wife told him the following "I finally found a friend, someone I can talk to and now I am not allowed to talk to you" then from what OM told my friend he told her "We really can't talk like we did, I cant go through what I did with my wife again, it cant happen"
I decided to call OMW but now answer, so I called OM and according him it is not like it was before that yes there is random chit chat but no personal talk like there was in the past.
I questioned OM about interactions between he and my W and he would not admit to the conversation them two had today. I once again told him how determined I was to make my marriage work and he needed to step back. He claims he understood. I then encouraged him to work on his family and that I am happy things are going well for them. He said "I think she upset because she lost a friend" and proceeded to say "It won't be me but I cant speak for the next person who might see her upset and talk to her."
I am not sure if OM is afraid of my reaction and that is why he stepped around telling exactly what happened. He knows my friend could tell me everything anyway so why not say it. He may also fear that I would tell his wife an as a result would create huge problems for their home life.
After this call I called a therapist and have an appointment scheduled for 3/31.
Shortly after my W text me and asked "How's shopping?" which was coincidental. She then told me "Let me know when your on your way home" I finished shopping TM her I was on my way back and she helped put the groceries away.
It could be much worse. This is very mild compared to what others on this forum are dealing with but that attachment still exist and I am not sure if this is all part of the withdrawal process.
Also my wife took my phone again and went through my text and call history. I did tell her I called the therapist and have an appointment setup for next week Wednesday.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Sounds pretty good...I like what Puppy did above...highlighting the pronouns...keep the blinders on like Allen said- great advice, wish I heard that back in the day.
BTW- I would like to speak w/ you candidly about your profession...are you on the alt? (FB)
Please let me know-
Good job not making a stink about the ring- my W pulled hers out once, and I made a comment...it hasnt been on her finger since...thank goodness the reason is "it doesnt fit anymore" instead of oh I'm bangin OM now and dont feel a bit of guilt...lol
