How to approach W about OM

[OfficerInNeed]

I just wanted to add that a family member had just invited us to go to a child b-day party. Normally her and I would not go and if we did never one without the other. I said to my wife " we were invited to go, what do you think?" She did not want to go.

If I decide to go without her would she think that I am moving on because we are doing more and more without each other does that make it easier for her to move on?

[Allen A]

It depends no what you say when yo tell her you are going.

"I am going - ya snooze ya lose" - kinda looks like you are moving on

"I am going, I understand if you aren't up for a lot of noise and such... it can get a bit intense... just rest here, i dont' expect to be long, but I do want to support their family" - sounds like you are just being considerate and potentially scores you a few points

[OfficerInNeed]

Well I ended up not going. The environment in which the party was being held was something I did not want to subject myself to(I know it sounds selfish).

I walked into the room which she was sleeping and she said "thought you were going?" I said "I decided not to" and she said "WHY?!?" I explained as aforementioned and she understood....at least that is the impression I got.

How about tomorrow? how do I make the most of our trip so we both enjoy and hopefully connect with her.

I am having trouble finding that happy medium. Where I am not pressuring or pursuing at the same time not giving her the impression that I am moving on. Any links to good threads with some advice on this matter? Thanks

[OfficerInNeed]

Is she over me?

My W and I took that drive and it was OK considering our situation and the fact she hates long car rides. We had brief conversations but for the most part just listened to music.

Some things I noticed over the past couple weeks and even more so on this trip. My wife is "shy" around me. God forbid if I get a glimpse of her other than her being fully cloth. Up till a 2 weeks ago this was not an issue as much as it is today.

Also my W gives me dirty looks and rolls her eyes sometimes when I compliment her. This is a 180 of my mine. Sometimes it feels like a sin it we accidentally bump or touch each other.

I keep my composer and project myself as being is a good mood and be as patient as possible.

Are the aforementioned issues common and can they be combated with DB techniques?

We plan on doing one more activity together today and then heading back home (another 3hr drive)

[Allen A]

OIN, complimenting your wife is BLATANT pursuit.

If you want her to feel like you are a warmer person which is what it sounds like your objective is, then compliment something around the house or someone ELSE.

You don't have to rave about HER for her to realise you are warming up.

OR, you insert the compliment in a sentence indirectly.

Your wife is going to be "shy" around you until this is resolved, I don't know why you are even surprised at that one.

You need to stop the pursuit, every time you do that you set yourself back and drive her away.

Rather than you being FRUSTRATED that she's shy why not try RESPECTING that like an adult and turning AROUND until she's clothed and such? Isn't that how an adult handles that?

During her affair my wife was like that as well, I just got up, smiled warmly, and said "I will give you some privacy so you can change..."

I suspect you aren't sending the right energy in the room when she's "shy" right now. You will need to fix that.

If your wife rolls her eyes when you compliment her STOP COMPLIMENTING her.

MWD makes it VERY clear in the book that if a 180 is NOT getting the response you expected then STOP THE 180 immediatley.

Rather than worrying about it being a SIN you should try to respect her need for space.

If you are frustrated by this she's going to pick up on that.

A lot of people here have their partners actually having SEX with other people during all of this... YOU don't... you should be able to dance through this comparatively.

1. If your wife rolls her eyes, she wants you to STOP it.
2. If your wife acts "shy" then leave the room or turn around and give her some privacy.

This is basic stuff. You need to find a way to show your wife you are improving WITHOUT CHASING HER. You havn'et found that safety zone yet.

[OfficerInNeed]

OIN, complimenting your wife is BLATANT pursuit.

If you want her to feel like you are a warmer person which is what it sounds like your objective is, then compliment something around the house or someone ELSE.

You don't have to rave about HER for her to realise you are warming up.

OR, you insert the compliment in a sentence indirectly.

I understand what you are saying and the point you are making. The issue had always been that I would compliment other things and not her as much. I created a low self-esteem for my W. My W thinks I don't think highly of her or find her attractive. When this all began in the first couple weeks my W told me she wants "unconditional love" to know that I love her no matter how good or bad she is, no matter how attractive/unattractive she may look from one day to the next. I always felt that way but never expressed it... If I don't compliment her someone else will and she will be drawn to that in her vulnerable state.

If she leaves for work and I fail to say tell her how nice she looks and she goes to work and some OM does. He is now doing something that I am not. My W will think "Thanks, but my H does not think so."

Rather than you being FRUSTRATED that she's shy why not try RESPECTING that like an adult and turning AROUND until she's clothed and such? Isn't that how an adult handles that?

During her affair my wife was like that as well, I just got up, smiled warmly, and said "I will give you some privacy so you can change..."

I suspect you aren't sending the right energy in the room when she's "shy" right now. You will need to fix that.

The point I was trying to make is, when this all began and up till 2 weeks ago my W was not "shy." It seems all of a sudden she started to react in this way. Ever since I first discovered this board and received feedback I have stepped way back giving her plenty of space. Its not like I am jumping in the shower with her or anything like that. I was just trying to get a better understanding of this sudden change

If your wife rolls her eyes when you compliment her STOP COMPLIMENTING her.

MWD makes it VERY clear in the book that if a 180 is NOT getting the response you expected then STOP THE 180 immediatley.

Understood but I also learned by reading many posts on this forum that every sitch is different and I found a some success stories that just because she does not respond to something does not mean it has no affect. She rolls her eyes because she does not believe me. She is only going to believe if I am consistent and sincere (so I think, then again I am not expert at this DB stuff)

I realize I could be in a much worse situation than I am and I don't take any of this for granted. I hope no on else who read this thread who is having far greater problems in their M takes any offense to any of my posts. All I can say as minute as my R problems are compared to others I still feel the hurt the emptiness and loss as they do.

[Allen A]

Your marriage OIN, your dice to roll.

all we can do is make suggestions based on what we have experienced.

You CAN compliment your wife TO OTHER PEOPLE.

You can talk on the phone to someone and say "Ya, my wife is really good at that sort of thing, but I am pretty clumsy.." etc

This in her earshot gets HER a compliment, but YOU are not pursuing and you wont' get any eye rolls.

If she is LOOKING for a compliment, like standing there WAITING to HEAR one then yes offer one, but I would'nt reccomend offering something that isnt' sougth after explicitly...

Your call

And her "shyness" can be a new symptom, you would handle it just he same... you need to understand OIN a lot of this is HER behaviuoral makeup based on HER history with you... we can't explain to you teh details that well... only that it sa common behaviour and that it should be respected until she indicates differently.

I am going to just step back and trust your jdugement on the complimenting thing OIN, I would'nt reccomend it, but I don't live in yoru home... its your call there.

[jasper67]

OIN- the truth is all of our problems suck b/c they are our problems, you are fortunate that yours are not as bad as others, but I know that doesn't make them any less of a problem for you...I feel for you and have been there- I was more crushed in your sitch than I am now and my W has vanished from my life and in the bed of OM.

I have finally accepted that I HAVE NO M, and likely NO 2nd CHANCE...

That being said- you are mind reading when you say W is rolling her eyes b/c you never complimented her and now you do...if she's still grieving OM and in full blown WAW mode- it is pursuing...

All sitches are diff, and sometimes a 180 is shot down and other times it is recieved...it's a effing mind game at best...if you're going to do it, don't be affected if her response is neg...

I do like Allens advice about paying W a compliment to a 3rd party...

Dont worry about the shyness either- no big deal- she's not your real W right now...just be consistant, strong, and a rock- hopefully she'll come around and when she does your changes are in place and you'll be more than ready

[OfficerInNeed]

Allen,
After taking a step back and thinking about my approach when it comes to complimenting I can see where it would be considered PURSUIT. In the times where I have complimented her it was rather spontaneous. Nothing she brought on but rather something I thought needed to be said. I also like the 3rd party idea and will start implementing that.

Thanks for all your advice so far, I truly appreciate it. That is why I post my daily interactions with my W so I can get feedback of what I can improve on or what I should keep doing. I would say I am doing a better job of not getting frustrated with her rejections and becoming even more patient.

We had a good time at the concert last night. She said "we have to go again." We watched a movie together when we returned home. After my W went to the kitchen to get herself something to eat and asked if I would like some as well and I said "yes, that would be great, thank you" I walk out there and there was 'some' for me and none for her. She said it was the last of 'it' and I should take it she would grab something else. I insist that she have 'it' and I would be the one to find something else but she insist herself. Rather than go back and forth I accepted and thanked her. When I was done I told her how good it was.

I hope these are all signs of things improving. I am not getting ahead of myself, I know it will take a lot more work and much more time and I am NOT celebrating too much over the little steps we have made.

Just before she went to bed tonight she could not find something, I heard her getting upset. She asked if I knew where it was I told her no and she lashed out at me and has now gone to bed upset but I remained calm and hopefully she realizes I was only trying to help.

We have been here before in the past 9 weeks where things are relatively good between us and then she will say "I am still leaving, I am only trying to co-exist." I am very weary.

[BWP]

OIN - Let me say - I know nothing but I can offer insight on the shy thing. My W had the same reaction suddenly to seeing me change clothes. I was sleeping in the spare room but still using my shower in the master.

I at first said 'what's the big deal' and that got a very heated reaction so the next day I moved all my stuff to the other bathroom. Immediately changed her attitude, then she says 'you don't have to shower there'. I still did.