Starting Over (Again)

[Quart9]

Can't you have his wages garnished? No worries then mate.

I think it is cool that you have a good relationship with your ExFIL as that probably makes it better for S5. Sorry to hear that it is not better between you and your own dad - I know how that goes.

This has to be tough on your S5. I was about his age too when my parents split. I read so many sitch's on here where the WAS selfishly thinks their kids are "resilient" and "will bounce back." It makes me wonder if any of these people had D parents and if they consider how it made them feel?!

ExCautious was in his was in his "dressed up" clothes. So I said "Have fun on your date." and walked away. To which he initially said "Okay!" Then changed to "Wish that's where I was going!" I said nothing, just kept walking. Got my popcorn popping, just waiting for this to pick up speed so I can watch the wreck. I hope there will be 3-D glasses.

This is hilarious! This is the stuff I would say if I had the chance. Dude, I wanna see a wreck too! I think that is bad DB'ing though?

[g450]

Cautious, I also backslid myself yesterday so you are not in an exclusive backsliding club. Hell I think we have membership jackets for that here.

Like you I WAS Grey. She called me to help her with my Sons riding mower. Had a flat tire and needed to buy and install a tube etc.

Like a love sick idiot I went over there to take care of it. She seemed grateful but still distant. Almost a month ago she said she wanted to be "friends" with me. I took that hook line and sinker. Well yesterday she got upset because I sat too close to her on her couch and she got up as if I had just tried to grope her or something.

I asked her why she was so cold to me if she in fact wanted to be "my friend". She then told me that we could NEVER be friends. Well WTF? That's not what she said a month ago.

I started to get my sh** and leave. She made a comment that I was upset and could not handle things etc. Well no sh**! I told her she needed to make up her mind. I also told her that I was not putting my life on hold for her and that I was stronger than she gave me credit for.

Why the hell should I stay there and keep her company? Asked her what was the point of it? She doesnt want me as a husband (obviousely) and she doesnt want me as a friend. Although she does things for me (scooby snacks) she basically treats me like her personal Maytag Repairman. And with the same love and warmth that you would give a mail man or taxi driver.

So with that said I am no longer grey. I am now going dark. Will NOT answer her calls unless its an emergency and she will have to text me. Better yet, she can call her Son since he is her landord.

Honestly, Im just tired of her sh**! I deserve better. Now dday will come in here and plant a 2x4 upside my head for sure and I will deserve every splinter I get.

What the hell is wrong with these people. What freaking planet do they live on? If I didnt still love the woman I would have blocked her calls months ago. That would have been the smart thing to do. So why can't we let go of our love for them?

Sorry for hijacking your thread to vent but you of all people here know exactly what I am feeling right now.

[yrsofhurt]

Hey Cautious. I am sorry for you, me and everyone else here that our WAS's care more about the temporal pleasures they are seeking than committment, loyalty, integrity ect.ect. Even though I want my husband to desire a life with my son and I again, there is that thought that he simply lacks character, and will never change. And you know what, I don't want my son to grow up to be like that. Maybe we are lucky they left even if it hurts like h...!
The truth is my son worships him. Maybe someday my husband will be able to be a role model for him. Maybe when his testosterone level decreases, his son will be more important than OW.
Don't let yourself get on a guilt trip about the choices you have needed to make. Honestly, having to experience the pain my son is having is enough to make me wish he had not been born so he could avoid this. We tried so hard to have him, and were so happy when he was conceived and it just blows my mind that STBX could walk away.
Like you, I am stuck seeing STBX often due to child care. The good thing about that is, I have done a 180 in my behavior and attitude, and he has noticed. I came home from work and he had gone to the grocery store for me and bought some of my favorite things, folded my laundry, and changed the lightbulbs. And he has been sticking around a little longer after I get home. I need him out of here though, because he is able to satisfy what little desire he has for family and home, have his cake and eat it too.
I am pathetic! I look for anything to convince myself he is missing us. So what if he buys groceries ect ect. He filed for divorce and surprised me with it, and had me served on our son's first day of kindergarten. Why I still want him is the million dollar question.
Thanks to everyone for being here and sharing yourself. This forum has been my life line for over a year.

[Cautious]

This is hilarious! This is the stuff I would say if I had the chance. Dude, I wanna see a wreck too! I think that is bad DB'ing though?

Absolutely not. Sometimes our WAS have to have a fight with the new person in order to realize that ALL couples fight and there's no such thing as happily ever after without work. Additionally, the first fight is your "in", where you get to be the knight in shining armor as you "rescue" them from their problems by doing the same thing OM/OW did to you - lending an ear for listening. You have to stomach some details you'd rather not know, but it's par for the course as you're awaiting the X coming back. Again, this is just a strategy I think is appropriate, and not some kind of solid rule. Just makes sense to me. To tie it in with DB, I remember a line in DB that said something about "an affair with your spouse", and that's how I view it: if she/he can steal him/her from me, I can steal right back, except I'll be more understanding about the withdrawl symptoms than she/he was.

g450: Hijack away. We're all in this together. Do you want the positives or the negatives first? Of course you want the positives! Okay, W is showing signs that being around you makes her uncomfortable, awkward even. This means that she is dealing with feelings of attraction and familiarity that she isn't ready to process. A small positive, but definitely a positive. Now the negatives: She's confused. She has no idea what she wants, but she has made up her mind that it's NOT you (not yet, anyway, but that's all up to you if you). You have to accept this decision, as painful as it is. Next time she asks you to do something for her, tell her "I'm sorry, I was about to step out." or "I'm too busy for that right now." You could be busy counting the lint in your belly button, but she doesn't need to know that. All she knows right now is you're her safety net: If she can't find someone NEW to take care of her needs, she can fall right back to you. I applaud you on going dark, but you have to decide that "emergency" better mean someone is bleeding or something is on fire. And even then, she should be calling 911 instead of you, so WTF is she doing on the phone with you?

yrsofhurt: Would it have been better if you had been served on your son's 2nd day of kindergarten? Either way you go, it's a blow. When my papers arrived, it was just another day, but you know why it sucked so much? I went to a friend's house and said "friend" told me to suck it up, she had her own problems. The lack of support is what broke me down to tears. People ask me all the time, especially on this forum, why I put up with ExCautious, only you know that - and you don't owe any of us any explanations. You do owe it to yourself, though, so if you're really wondering, give yourself some time to think/write about it.

I'm glad he's helping you out with the things right now. If nothing else, at least those are a few less duties you have to carry the burden of. Accept what he's offering graciously, and keep moving on with your changes. I would definitely tell him, if I were in your sitch, that you appriciate that he took a couple things off your to-do list, but leave it at that. You don't need a long drawn out conversation to say thank you. In fact, I sometimes give ExCautious a thank you card when he does things, because it encourages the changes I see in HIM that I would like to see in our future, should there be a future of which to speak.

Now for me. Journaling:
Yesterday was a tiny backslide, but I got footing in the end. ExCautious tried to ambush me again while dropping off the check. I admitted my wrongs (after I let him go on about it for a minute or two) and half apologized. I should have given a full apology, but I was caught off guard by the angry ambush - which is becoming his style lately. Did I mention I looked HOT? I could not have looked any better without the aid of cosmetic surgery. Had a graduation to attend, but I'll get to that later, so I already had my cute little dress on, makeup done, hair did, perfume on, etc. So the whole time he's arguing with me, I'm just listening, saying what I have to... then I grabbed that foothold: As you can see, ExCautious, I have some things to do today; we can discuss this at some other time.

Took S5 to the graduation. He was a typical 5 year old, so I was nearly in tears after the two hour service. Not to mention the bad jokes. I had a great time with an attractive classmate. Don't make those "OOOOoooooh" noises, he's three years younger than me. But I didn't mind being seen with him, even if he's not interested. And, in a shady part of town, I was excited to have a man along, even if it was by accident.

My friends had a lovely graduation (former classmates from my school), and there were only minimal tears shed. And for once, I wasn't a cryer. Had a somewhat deep conversation with attractive classmate about how he is too good for another girl who graduated yesterday. Thanked attractive classmate for the company, made some hick jokes (he grew up on a farm), and went home. The rest of classmates attended a pretty wild party last night. I got some much needed sleep.

Overall, I'd say yesterday was some major PMA points. Today, I intend to stay in with S5 playing his favorite video game and, for once, not cooking - we're going to order in, since he fell asleep last night and we couldn't go out to a nice late dinner.

[g450]

Thanks for your viewpoint Cautious. I hope you are right that she may still feel something but it sure as hell doesnt feel that way to me right now.

She only called me when she had things that needed to be done that was technical or guy stuff etc. My Son is her landlord but he basically just ignores her or procrastinates on her requests until she gets frustrated with him.

Basically she is on the phone with me because she only has three choices. Either 1)Con me into doing it for her. 2)Pay somebody to do it or 3)Get an OM to do it for her. And option 3 will complicate things for her as I do not think she wants another man around her wanting the usual favors that men want when they do labor for a woman. Sad but true, that is how most of us think. Present company excluded for now.

My only fear is that in my darkness she will seek help from other men. But then again, what do I have to lose? What is she going to do? Divorce me? Like I have been told before, she needs to know what life will be like without me. This going grey thing was only temporary and what I expected to happen actually did happen. Not really a surprise. I took my chances and lost.

Anyway, Im going back to counting the lint in my belly button in the dark. It's a new hobby of mine.

Ironically, the kind of stuff I used to do for my XW I am now doing for my female friend. At least she feeds me and is friendly and affectionate towards me. And NO there is no sex involved. We have set that boundry up in our friendship. And she has made this perfectly clear. You have to love a woman that knows what she wants and will tell you straight up with no BS. Only wish my wife was like this when we were married to each other.

And yes you are absolutely right. There is nothing stronger than seeing the woman you love wearing that little black dress. This absolutely drives us guys crazy. Use that to your advantage. Let him know what he is missing. He may not act like it but I guarantee you he will be thinking about you tonight. I would bet money on it.

Good luck Cautious. We both need it now.

[g450]

Checking in on you Cautious,

How are things? Anything new?

Not posting here is a bit out of character for you so I was worried even though its only been three days.

Just wanted to poke you with a stick to see if you were still kicking.

Take care.

[Cautious]

Eh, password issues. I should never have logged out.

I haven't really done anything worth noting. Just GALing with the small fry by playing video games all weekend. Haven't talked to ExCautious in about 4 days. Feels good. Have to see him tomorrow... ugh.

Goals for tomorrow:
1. Get out of crabby mood
2. Get laundry done
3. Avoid arguing with ExCautious at all costs.

[g450]

Good to hear. I like video games as well. I'm just a big kid at heart.

I'm doing pretty good being dark myself. Zero contact for over a week now. My Son did her (his) lawn today so I'm glad he took care of it before he left town. This way she wont have an excuse to call me for a favor.

The less contact I have with her the more detached I feel.

My goals for this week:
1)Do my darn lawn.
2)Laundry, Groceries, Clean house.
3)Spend quality time with my friend.

[Cautious]

Journaling:

Read some of the success stories today. Checked users' old threads (as much as was archived). Found a few gems: Detatch from the rejection, not from your spouse. Make yourself irresistable.

Resistance comes from negativity. We naturally move AWAY from things and people who make us feel slighted. In order to make ExCautious more comfortable, I will have to take away the negatives. I'm trying to remember to keep my mouth shut and stay on topic when discussing important issues.

Additionally, FYI to my friends here on the boards: I will be away next weekend. Thank you for being here for me while I go through this journey. I don't think I could be this strong without your support.

[g450]

TY Cautious, the feeling is mutual. Glad you visited my thread and gave me things to think about.

FYI, I keep this on my cellphone to remind me of what I need to do and my goals. I stole it from somebody else here and modified it a bit. Thought I would share it with you all:

Go dark! Do NOT contact her.
Detach!
Do not talk to old friends and family about her.
Let her deal with her issues and
the consequences of her divorce.
Let her call YOU.
Stop persuing, be the lighthouse.
Let her know I want her but don't need her.
Be a Friend.
Don't Monitor, spy, bug, nag, etc.
Don't be at every beckon call.
Support but from a distance.
Take care of myself and stay visible.

Goals for self:

Become an Alpha male.
Make myself attractive.
Exercise.
Diet.
Get enough sleep.
Cut back on the beer.
Update wardrobe.
Be a Man, not her doormat.

Anyway, see you next week. take care.