And you seem really hungry for something positive from her.
A HUGE part of divorce busting is about YOU GIVING HER love... you seem to keep wanting to try and TAKE signs of love BACK and keep looking and hoping for them.
Just give without ANY ulterior motive man.. just give and do NOT look for a positive, just give, and that's it.
...
Based on the history you described for the two of you, you can likley understand now why she is where she is now... she was donig this and getting next to nothing from you for how long?
How long was she trying and not getting enough back?
OK, just don't make a thing out of it, that's cool then.
The classiest thing I ever seen a guy to is ASK if she doesn't mind, but if she made it clear to you she wanted you to take teh photo then you are likely ok.
You are doin well man... just stay calm.. give give give... try your best not to look for anything from her, even an eyeblink... just get in the habit of giving and not looking for nothing back.
It takes time and I am worried she' sensing your eagerness for a positive rsponse... women can sense these things...
It is tough but I do understand. The person she is today and has been for he past 9 weeks is not the same person she had been the past 10 years. This is a whole new side of her I have not ever seen.
I am use to the way she use to react to situations or things I could say or do to get through to her and I find myself doing them.
On another note I bought two new bottles of cologne (different scents) and when my wife seen them she said "you bought two??" The thing is I have not wore cologne in some time...
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
That's fine, dont' worry so much about all of her reactions.. you really need to sit back and let her breathe a bit...
There to my mind really is no one response that you are going to get from her that's going to mean much... its the OVER ALL LONG TERM results that we are trying to BUILD here dude.
Monitoring every eye blink is jsut going to give you an ulcer.
In her HEAD, she's left... but you CAN influence her to reconsider, which is what you are doing, but don't expect ANY NOTICABLE IMPROVEMENT for a while man.. at least a month or two... if its earlier, great, but don't count on that at ALL OK?
Focus on what YOU are doing to improve things, not on how SHE is reacting.
I would put 90% of my time into working on things on YOUR end and the other 10% into taking NON-INVASIVE temperature readings from her...
Non invasive means
No asking her how she's doing No asking her how she's feeling No asking her if she wants to go out to eat No asking her if she wants anything to eat or drink No asking her pretty much ANYTHING
Non invasive means
Watching what she does mostly, and making a SILENT note to yourself about it...
This is not an exact science by any means so you need to try not getting hung up on every thing she does... I honestly can read a positive AND a negative from MOST of her behaviuors right now... you take the behaviuors, HOPE for the positive, and keep working...
I pretty have stopped the "can I get you this?" Mannerisms. If she asks I do it. There are times where I do feed off her in a sense. For example she will show or tell me something she wants for the home (or whatever) and I would ask "do you want to do that?" Then she would reply most the time "its up to you" and it puts me in a tough spot. I will heed your advice and back off more...
I want to add I seen in another thread where a person DB'n with a similiar situation and it was suggested by someone else to be overly nice ect since it was oppisite in the past I will link you when I can...
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
DR warns about pursuit and to my mind that's pursuit.
The problem is what your wife wanted THEN isn't what may help now.
I can give you an example from my own home easily. My wife complained that I never got her flowers... so the same day I went out and bought some... do you think that went over well?
Not at all... I got "I don't want them NOW... NOW you bring me these? I wanted these YEARS ago"
You see, your wife is in a different state of mind and what was black is now white etc
I am not saying it wont' work, but you really have to tread lightly here.
My advice is usually to do what you can to change the person you are without bothering her directly.
You can buy flowers for the house, you can invite friends for dinner and cook for them, you can buy people gifts, you can call family up and have a warm conversation asking how they are and offering to help etc.
All of these things don't bother your WIFE at ALL, but at the same time she will get to observe safely from a distance that you are a different man than you haev been before.
I really don't recommnd addressing the wife directly to communicate that you have changed for the better.
Its your call, but if you get the sense what you are doing is working, I would keep that up...
And based on a lot of her responses, I am getting the distinct feeling unless she shows you or tells you otherwise, she mostly just wants to be left alone.
A response from your previous post about how long this has gone on...she tells me for 10 yrs she has felt like this. I know it was not that long and I assure you I treated her great but the good does not out weigh the bad according to her and as of now "our marriage is based on all wrong things" and ILYBNILWY
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
MWD says in DR that for every year you have been together you will have to DB ROUGHLY for ONE MONTH.
So, For ten months ROUGHLY you are going to get distance and cynicism from her most of the time. You will get the odd crumb, but you need to be patient.
Ten years is a long time to wrestle with you to get the improvements you have been making now.
I KNOW I KNOW. Your wife made mistakes too. Most couples thrash about for 4 to 10 years until a crisis happens and then they either divorce or they find a way to make things better.
It took both of you ten years to get where you are now... Undoing all that damage is going to take a lot of time and a lot of work. Running away from it is NOT going to make life any easier for you. Running away is how you two got where you are... instead of working on your challenges for the last ten years you two have been hiding from each other ... most couples do that.
And yes, I am sure there have been good times, but your wife's state of mind is not focussed on these.
MWD again points out that when you are feeling sad, the bad parts of your marriage get LOUDER and EASIER to remember and the warmer parts are just a whisper and are nearly forgotten.
Her MOOD towoards you needs to change before she will remember better times and start to feel better. You need to get her to warm up to you.. and you can only do that by making yourself a warmer person to be around.
If shes had to wrestle for ten years to get you being the guy you are trying to be now, you can't ask for that overnight... She's got a lot of doubts.
My advice is usually to do what you can to change the person you are without bothering her directly.
You can buy flowers for the house, you can invite friends for dinner and cook for them, you can buy people gifts, you can call family up and have a warm conversation asking how they are and offering to help etc.
All of these things don't bother your WIFE at ALL, but at the same time she will get to observe safely from a distance that you are a different man than you haev been before.
