Why Bo Peep doesn't work

[Cadet]

BlownAway

You are probably not going thru MLC but maybe male menopause!

I just read this book called "Male Menopuase" by Jed Diamond. I could really relate to this book and I found out that all men go thru this process. Whether you are in a MLT or a MLC is all in how you deal with all of this.

I wasn't referring to Piano's sich with my post, just a general
comment for all who are reading here.

[Piano]

I need to go back to DR and read the definition of MLC again.

[Piano]

Sorry, was typing at same time as you, OP. Thanks for clarification.

[Cadet]

Piano,

If you want to learn about MLC there are resources on the MLC board. I haven't read your thread and have no idea what your sich is. Depression is common with WAS or MLC. The confusion is really the key. MLC is depression + unresolved childhood issues. The MLC'er needs to go back in time and finish growing up. That is why the more aggressive method being discussed here does not work
in these sichs.

[Piano]

Thanks OP.

Back to Bo Peep..... I think it works when you have some level of control in your sitch.

With a WAS, sometimes the LBS has little or no bargaining power, epecially in overnight cut and run situations where there is very little to no contact, and where the WAS isn't looking over their shoulder to check on the new and improved you. I think that sometimes makes the WAS feel all the more justified in leaving...after all, you're doing just great without them! No guilt. Yay!

A strong wake up call is sometimes needed. But how to do it without coming across as making threats? Threats are unattractive.

[lea74]

Having read this post I am now considering whether I have been using the wrong strategy.

I'm not sure if my H is having a MLC. He is 38Y, has been a director of a large company then last year, got essentially fired (he had decided to move out before he was fired), has been angry most of his life, has definitely shown signs of depression, can be very agressive and when he asked for D (well screamed it at me) he tried to hurt himself. He has always craved attention and says I never gave it to him. He complains when he doesnt get enough from others. He has before had a significant female friend and now again another female friend which I think has turned into a PA/EA. His complaints (amongst others) have been that he has always been abused financially (which is crap as I have always worked)and of course the ILYBNILWY.

When he first moved out, it was definitely a case of Bo Peep - best of both worlds and cake eating.

Things were going well when I was letting him have the best of both worlds, when I started to detach and go dark things were not going so well. He has filed for a D and essentially the final D it is only about 8 weeks away.

Do you think I had the wrong strategy??

[MrBond]

KL,

So was doing things more aggressively how you saved your M? I couldn't tell from your signature line.

[JoieDeVivre]

I believe doing "bo peep" is not a long term strategy. I see it as more of a "see what you'll be missing" when you're gone strategy. It gives you a chance to work on the problems you brought to the M. The WAS gets a look at what could be or what used to be.

Once you have their attention, then bring in the tough tactics. The LBS could instigate this as a LRT. It's what I'm going to have to do if I ever get the chance.

[Michele Weiner-Davis]

I just want to jump in here and remind you all that Divorce Busting is not a 'one size fits all' philosophy. What works for one couple might not work for another, and may make matters even worse. It is often a matter of trial and error, becoming a solution detective, and figuring out what works best for you. Remember Michele's words "If what you're doing is working, then keep doing it. If what you're doing is not working, then do something different." Experiment and monitor the results.

If you are getting help from a Divorce Busting Coach, I strongly suggest that you follow your coach's suggestions. Divorce Busting Coaches are experts at helping people get their marriages back on track. They each have many, many years of very successful experience. They know what works!

[pearlharbr]

And FWIW, I did consult a DB coach who told me to follow the "Bo Peep" approach. Even after I told her it was making me miserable. I lost my self respect and dignity trying to "be the better option" and ignore BF's affair. Meanwhile, BF escalated his affair and moved further away from me.

Only after I ditched the DB coach did I feel better, get my mojo back, took a tough stand, and turned things around.

Just because the advice is coming from a DB coach doesn't mean it will work for you.