Db not working, MLC spouse pushing D

[Jack_Three_Beans]

ForEverHeSaid (FEHS from here on out),

I glad you got a chuckle.

I would like to point some things out, if I may...hahahahahahah you can't stop me.

doens't he want to leave all of this?

I wondered if this was a way for him to assuage some of his guilt.

First you rip my heart out, and now you're being nice?

There is a reason many here suggest to "Act as If" things are going well.

Those quotes above, I am willing to bet...flavor your being, who you are around him.

Acting as if, means a light hearted moment STAYS a light hearted moment without the additional weight of WTF added to it.

Does that make sense? Today is far from my best day for advice.

[Lostforwords]

FEHS,

Welcome to our special little world....I don't say "sorry your here" anymore. I feel that in the end you will find that this is a growing place of good than a place of sorrow. That said...it appears you have a prolonged MLC husband and the OW is firmly planted in the picture. I would almost venture a bet that she has recently placed the "Her or me" statement on your husband. With the usually MLC bravado of course he is selecting to move on.

So let him!

He indicated that 'once things are settled' he plans on moving in with OW who lives on the other end of the state

Validate his feelings and nicely tell him that he can go at anytime. Sounds pretty counter intuitive...same here. Just sometimes that alluring greener grass is just covering a septic tank. So as I wise person told me..."Give them their space and let them choke on it".

You seem to have a solid grasp that you don't control his actions. You also have an impressive list of 180's and GAL...bravo to you on both. The questions is...will dropping the rope entirely be the ultimate 180 for you?

I think there is a lot of good in your story that is being directly influenced by a relationship with the OW that needs to run it's course. So let it run it's course.

I feel like there is only so much I can do to delay the inevitable.

There is no "inevitable" or "impossible" in this world. That is what makes our lives special....we can do the impossible and make the inevitable unobtainable.

Don't think this course of action is giving up, because it isn't. YOU can stand by your commitments with home or not.....this is just giving him what he wants.

[foreverhesaid]

J3B,

Those quotes you picked out are more about me venting, than anything that I would say to my H. I like to think that I am keeping that running commentary inside, but it does probably show up on the outside sometimes. Its just that within a week he wants out, definitely OUT and QUICK - and then he's fixing dinner and being nice. I can certainly appreciate the gesture but at the same time its like when is the next shoe going to fall. I can't help but think its like he's trying to butter me up and then will push me down again.

<sigh> I know, no one said this would be easy.

Hope the no smoking thing is going well for you.

[foreverhesaid]

Dear Lost,

You certainly nailed it when you said that the ultimate 180 for me would be to not fight this at all. I think throughout our marriage I was always the 'fixer' and the one who tried to make things right.

I realized something on thursday. That is our day off from work, and the last time he wanted to talk about divorce he brought it up that day. So I must admit I was nervous this past week and also perhaps feeling a bit defeated. I did yardwork, he was in the house and I just kind of let him be. At dinner time, he offered to cook and produced a wonderful meal and dessert. After dinner, rather than disappearing into the TV set as usual, he offered to play a game - it just floored me! We ended up playing multiple rounds of three different games until bed time. He was laughing and joking the whole time, it was like my old husband was back. At bedtime he followed me upstairs and started flirting, and we ended up having well, a rather energetic interlude (I blush to write anything more descriptive). It was like a second honeymoon and all I could wonder was - why the heck did that happen???

Was it really so obvious in my mood that I had 'given up' and he could somehow read that? Had it drawn him towards me? There was no actual relationship or divorce talk to communicate this so I don't know if it was related to anything I did or not.

Thank you for reminding me that nothing is impossible.

[Cadet]

Well the good thing about the confusion, is that most likely means MLC. As Jack says confusion is good.

As far as the L is concerned, I don't understand how you contacting a L will escalate things?
You don't tell your H about this and you tell the L not to do anything until you say to. It is for your protection and knowledge. If I were you I would do nothing that helps your H with this process. Don't sign anything or agree to anything just validate his desire and see what happens.

[foreverhesaid]

Oh, there is a GOOD thing in MLC???

I just thought that if he didn't seem certain about the divorce, but then realized I had talked to a lawyer it might turn into "well SHE's seeing a lawyer, so she must be certain, so I better get a lawyer." and the next thing we both have lawyers doing a divorce we both really don't want. (or at least I don't want it)

When he talked about divorce I asked him if he had seen a lawyer and he said no, had just gotten info off of the internet. So far he has not told anyone else about this, I thought that might be part of his indecision. If he was really certain, wouldn't he want to trumpet this to the skies? Seeing that our marriage was such a mistake and now he's found his true soulmate (or so he thinks). However, no mention to anyone at work, or his family, or family lawyer or accountant. I guess I also hoped that he didn't because he was actually ashamed of what he was doing. Not sure if that works in my favor or not.

This is all so confusing.

[Cadet]

This is all so confusing.

Yes

Maybe for the moment, you should just do nothing but if you need to contact a L. DO NOT TELL HUSBAND! Everything we talk about here is part of our playbook. We do not divulge it.

Sounds like the divorce talk is mostly just "talk". Remember one rule of DB'ing is to believe none of what you hear(talk) and only 50% of what you see(action). Also actions speak louder than words.

[trustingfaith]

FHS,

That does sound like the MLC confusion, and I think that not saying anything to anybody yet kind of keeps his options open. He has mentioned it to you but hasn't told anybody else is not surprising.

That sounds a lot like my situation. My H has never officially used the D word but months ago did allude to it a couple of times. As far as I know, he hasn't really told anyone what is going on - my in laws don't even have a clue.

It is like they are keeping their options open - in their minds they may think D is the answer and their way out, but they aren't really sure that is what they want. Just my opinion - can't really read their minds.:) This is where the confusion is good.

I agree with OP to keep your cards close to your vest.

[kjensen]

FHS-
I think the MLCers frequently see a divorce as the ticket to peace and happiness. It is a huge trigger of fear and sadness for us LBSers...The best thing I can offer is to educate yourself, privately, on how a divorce works where you live.

Don't bring up the topic of divorce with your H. Know that he most likely WILL bring it up again, maybe when you are getting along great... Enjoy the good times you are having, but keep your expectations low.

Seeing that our marriage was such a mistake and now he's found his true soulmate (or so he thinks). However, no mention to anyone at work, or his family, or family lawyer or accountant. I guess I also hoped that he didn't because he was actually ashamed of what he was doing.

This was exactly the situation I was in a year ago...My H was ashamed... When my Hasked for a divorce last May..the OW dumped him and H started opening up to me...But this time in 12/09 when he asked and filed for a divorce there was no OW(or shame) and H did share the divorce with everyone..

Realize that if your H wants a divorce, he may just get one whether you want one or not(again this varies per state so getting info for YOURSELF is very important). As much as all of us never want to be divorced(why we are on a site called divorce-busting!), it can still happen, and it won't be the end of your world..maybe just the end of your marriage as it was.

I have found that getting in touch with my fears that were triggered by my husband divorcing me has been a good thing, a strenghtening experience, although hard and at times painful...

So embrace and learn from the fear. Divorce may not happen(we pray!), but by not letting the word or thought or action of divorce freak you out, you will find more peace.

[foreverhesaid]

Well, today my H wanted to talk about divorce again and said that he was surprised that I had not brought it up to him! I guess he expected me to initiate the conversation.

He wanted to know if I was interested in collaborating, or if it would have to be 'the messy divorce' with lawyers because he claims I never want to talk about it! I countered with 'how can I know if I agree to anything if we haven't yet tried?"

I agree with Jack3B in that I guess he is starting to get pressure from OW. THis would be his weekend where he would see her (every other weekend we have 2 full days off and he finds ways to disappear) so I suspect he would have to report back to her. As you know from my earlier posts this past week he was kindness itself, cooking dinner, spending time playing games, yesterday he even tried to initiate ML. However, today its a whole different animal. Now he wants to sit down and go through our assets and start divvying things up, can't get out of here soon enough. Said 'this has been going on long enough and its not fair to you for me to stay when I don't want to be here..."

Hmm, there are alot of things that are not fair to me about this situation, but funny how the fairness hinges on his behavior.

I tried to validate and told him we could list our assets but that I didn't agree to anything. He slammed things around, sat at the dining room table and scribbled out a list of stocks, our cars, etc. then flung it at me and said, "can you think of anything else?" As if I keep a running total in my head or something. For 13 years he has always handled our finances, and suddenly he expects me to have a grip on everything we own. <sigh>

Then he stormed out, stating he was not coming to work today (evening shift). If I know anything about his previous MLC behavior, he won't be home when I get home either - will probably have left for the entire weekend. I know, expectations low for a MLC, but it would surprise me if he came back to work for friday, even thought we have a full day then.

KJensen, I have looked into the abyss as far as what life would be like without my husband. I know that I can survive but it really isn't what I wanted. My husband was a good man, even a great one, and I just can't believe that that man is totally dead. I just feel like he's confused and has been lead astray, and I guess I feel like the divorce would be giving up. What burns me the most is I feel like the OW gets to enjoy all of the good things about my husband and I get nothing, despite my years invested in our relationship. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself, and don't know how long that will continue.

Financially after a divorce I would be fine, I always made more $ than my husband and at least I don't have to worry about that. But the thought of handling things emotionally is just exhausting.