How to approach W about OM

[Allen A]

Invite a friend over and cook your wife AND your friend dinner.. you arne't pressuring her, you are cooking dinner for a frend RIGHT?

Buy the household flowers. Don't even show them to her, bring them home, set them up somewhere nice on your desk and watch the show.

Start doing things she wants to see more from you. You need to be creative here but you CAN do that.

Physical affection she wants more of? I already said, get her a spa treatment - from a WOMAN - NO MEN

SHe wants lovign words of affection? Call a relative who is having some problems at home or whatever and talk them through it while she's in earshot... show her you can comfort her with your words... again, you dont have to pressure her at all... its all subtle

Get creative, it isnt' that hard once you start moving.

Do you have any bad habits? Video games? Smoking? Offensive music?

Get RID of that crap. There's bound to be something.

[OfficerInNeed]

No bad habits currently. I use to be into the video games, dropped, other than that it was my harsh words and failure to show appreciation. Years of emotional and verbal abuse... I got the help I needed so all habits dropped.

[Allen A]

Lose the video games, they don't model you as a mature adult she can depend on to love and protect her and future children... they make you look childish.

You show appreciation by DOING things for the home that she can benefit from. That's all you ahve to do.

Do the grocery shopping, do the laundry... these are all ways to show someone that you care.. Do all the things she did for you...

You jsut need to be creative, you CAN pursue here without pursuing her... pursue a happy home, and give her the space to see you do it.

Do you have friends or family who have kids? Invite them over - often...show your wife you are a family man, that should surprise her... again you can invite people over and shower them with charm and warmth, your wife will see all fo that and you arne't pursuing.

[OfficerInNeed]

Good ideas and some I have been doing...video games are long gone since tje day this all began.

[OfficerInNeed]

Is it a good sign when my W starts saying to me "remember when.." And brings up something positive from the past? This then prompts me to say "yes, and remember when" bringing up another past memory of a good time and something funny...

[Allen A]

It is a good sign ya.. be VERY careful in feeding her more memories.. tread lightly there, she may at any time snap the door shut on you for pursuing her.

Good sign though yes, I would take it as one.

I honeslty don't think all of your wife's nastiness is you. I suspect there is some depression there. Until those chemicals are back in balance she's going to be difficult to deal with. I believe MWD has a section in DR for dealing wtih a spouse with depression. I will give that a read.

Don't be so eager for her to improve dude, she's taking her time and she needs that. Emotional processes take time. I am worried she's picking up off your eagerness. Do you have anything you do constructive at home to distract you from her at all?

[MrBond]

She could be cycling. I wouldn't put too much faith in it unless she starts doing it on a regular basis. There are too many times where the WAS will sound like they are coming out of the fog, then WHAM back in they go.

My W and other WASs on here have done the same. There were some instances where the WAS even said they were ready to R, then they changed their mind and went for the D.

Take things with a grain of salt. What you want to look for is consistent positives. It could be a good start. Look out for more.

[OfficerInNeed]

It is a good sign ya.. be VERY careful in feeding her more memories.. tread lightly there, she may at any time snap the door shut on you for pursuing her.

Good sign though yes, I would take it as one.

I honeslty don't think all of your wife's nastiness is you. I suspect there is some depression there. Until those chemicals are back in balance she's going to be difficult to deal with. I believe MWD has a section in DR for dealing wtih a spouse with depression. I will give that a read.

Don't be so eager for her to improve dude, she's taking her time and she needs that. Emotional processes take time. I am worried she's picking up off your eagerness. Do you have anything you do constructive at home to distract you from her at all?

As I mentioned in a previous post I keep setting myself up for failure. I got overly excited, we'll say, when she opened up a little and I continue to expect more. I need to take a step back stay focused and patient.

I agree with the depression all she does is sleep when she is home. But when I talk to my friends who are her co-workers she is a completely different person, she is talkative, "giddy", and in a good mood. Soon as she walks in the door she becomes a bitter person.

I plan on start hitting the gym again to release my stress.

[Allen A]

She has attached her depression to the marriage and the marriage to the home

MANY depressives have an upside as well... the probelm is they go up and down and up and down.. its a crazy painful ride.

I am NOT an expert, read up on it... I won't presume to say more about that.

If you get something, just enjoy it, don't charge in for more no... you got it, that's how they get you...

yes, hit a gym, do some sort of crafts around the house or whatever.

You may want to work out at home so you can keep an eye on her.

SOmetimes your wife wants to know you ARE there, but she just doesn't want you in her FACE

[OfficerInNeed]

My W and I are schedule to go a concert 03/23 as mentioned in a previous post it will be a 3-4hr drive. My wife does plan on going to work the morning of. What I did and have yet told her is the morning of I scheduled for her to go for a spa treatment that I think she could really benefit from. She has work leading up to and including the day we are going...I wanted to do this before we go so I decided the day of.

Now the question is how do I tell her and how in the world do I convince her to not go to work or leave early? I thought about just asking her to take off for such reason or writing a little note...I think I got myself in a little jam but I am hoping somehow it can work out.