Will I ever be forgiven???

[musclegal]

Mom,
I guess there is something else here for the LBS--and maybe it's that it seems to us a person can't really be sorry while they continue the hurtful behavior. I realize that my marriage needed attention, and that I shared in the growing distance between us, but I tried very hard to get back on track after I learned of the affair and actually forgave the affair having happened...what I couldn't forgive, and still have a hard time forgiving, is how he treated me so badly while trying to get back on track. I don't know what your marriage was like before the A, but I'm guessing it wasn't all that bad--it was probably like most marriages with small children, which means a lot of work and focus on things other than the marriage. After the disclosure, I did everything in my power to save our marriage and our family and he seemed to participate only halfheartedly, at best--he really wanted me to do all the work to either save the marriage or seek a divorce and he was mean and terribly selfish during that time. So, what happened AFTER the affair was actually much, much more hurtful than the affair. It told me that nothing was more important to him than him...not me, which frankly I was used to...but not the kids either or our extended families and friends, etc. In the end, he made a choice to put his comfort above everything honorable, and he has continued to make that choice. So, I guess I'm saying that his "sorry's" feel genuine but at the same time hollow and empty to me. I think that a full "sorry" by you could be difficult for your XH to accept while you are with the OM. To the LBS, being really sorry means changing behavior and making different choices. I guess I'm saying that a full sorry means you wouldn't be with OM...even if your husband has moved on. That a 100% "sorry" wouldn't be contingent on your staying either with the OM or with getting XH back, but on your standing on your own two feet and making a different decisions. Maybe that sounds harsh, but you do feel guilty for a reason. I hope that you and your XH will eventually come to a good understanding and to mutual forgiveness, but I guess I'm trying to give you some thoughts about things that might go through his mind. Even if he wishes you all the best (and he probably does!) and still has a great deal of capacity to forgive at some point, it's hard to feel like a sorry is real if the person has not really repented the behavior. Hope I don't sound like a zealot, but that's one perspective of a LBS.

[AtTheEnd?]

musclegal,

That was really well put. The hurtful behavior of the WAS is what is the most damaging. Trying to get the marriage back on track, and being faced with unrestrained anger and selfishness is just so painful. We also had small children that put a large strain on our relationship and intimacy. The selfishness and anger have diminished for our relationship, and she hasn't filed, but we're not going anywhere. Just holding steady in separation.

[dday101798]

Very well put points.

I will say tho, at some point, all LBS HAVE to accept and forgive and that is mainly for them selves, you can't carry all that anger and angst forever, it will drive you insane.

[dday101798]

I still think it's a toss-up as to how this will end up.

Yes it is. 16 years? You have a long-long way to go.

[AtTheEnd?]

dday,

What do you mean? Please explain the long way to go.

[addie]

Mom,
I agree completely with Musclegal's post. I am an LBS who has R with WAH. Before the R, H offered me many apologies which I did not believe. Although his A had ended, he continued to seek out OW and was apologizing to me at the same time. Did I believe his apologies were sincere? Definitely not!
Mom, sorry to be so blunt but I don't see how you can truly be sorry for what you did to your H when you are still living with the OM that caused the break up of your M. I believe that what you are feeling is guilt over what you did that destroyed the lives of so many people and you are wanting to alleviate your own guilt. This shows me that you haven't really grown and changed your selfish ways at all. You aren't concerned about your H. This is all about you - your guilt, the fact you're not happy in the new R.
If you truly care about your H, do him a big favour and don't apologize to him until it is genuine. This can only be achieved over time when you are no longer with the OM who caused the demise of your M and you've gone through IC to fully understand why you did what you did.

[AtTheEnd?]

Perfectly stated addie!

[AtTheEnd?]

This made my R spiral from bad to worse. WAS doesn't use it as much now, but now is always texting and making phone calls. Contact is already made, but I'm almost certain she isn't dating. It's still aggravating, but I'm out of the house, so it isn't a bother.

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[dday101798]

dday,

What do you mean? Please explain the long way to go.

There are many factors, and I don't remember them all to a tee, but I am firm believer in a formula I once saw kind of goes something like this:

Once the WAS fully broadcasts their distane and no longer have the will to remain 'numb' in a dead marriage, the limbo period begins, and it is usually for the number of months determined by the length of the M, so in your case, 16 months.

[AtTheEnd?]

That's what I figured. I thought I probably have 6 months to a year to go before a decision is made. Although she may have a date in her mind and end it prematurely, or even possibly meet someone that she feels it's worth trying with (worth going through with divorce for). I hope that isn't so since she seems much more rational now. I'm thinking that she will gradually grow feelings for me over time, as to where that other person has to be much better than me. It won't be a 'I hate you' stage to an immediate 'let's get back together' stage. It will be a gradual process. That's what I think it is, but I'm sure it will remain hidden from me. At least this is my hope, just looking for others experiences to see if this is indeed correct.