Don't ask her how she feels man.. temp taking again.. you need to OBSERVE how she feels.. its less pressure for HER, AND you will get a more reliable reading
Even if she tells you no she's ok, that' dont mean squat lol
She may just tell you she's ok to avoid telling YOU that she feels stressed out...
The best thermometers are your senses, NOT your verbal skills
As for pub affection, hold off onthat.
What you CAN do is SAY something nice about her IN PUBLIC...
If someone says something about your wife like "she looks nice" you can just reply "Yes, she's gorgeous" or something... do NOT make a SHOW of it to HER, that is pursuit... but you can do it casually while she's in earshot
You can also try to be more mature with EVERYONE. if your wife sees you be more mature with others, she will start to feel she may be making an impact on you... she doens't need to see you be a better man TO HER, to anyone is a good start, and it avoids you pressuring HER
This is something I have suggested some time ago for relationship building...
And yes.. warning to all rabblerousers Allen is offering advice on rebuilding a marriage POST AFFAIR
Suggestion :
Take up a volunteer job of some sort. Teach people to read, or whatever, Neighbourhood garbage run, whatever...
Your spouse can see maturity and betterness in YOU whithout you having ot PURSUE THEM at ALL
Dont' tell her you're donig it, just leave things laying around to indicate what you're doin...
If you find a flyer or add for volunteer help, leave the add on YOUR desk someplace.. trust me, she's likley snooping.. let her find it
And most important.. ENJOY the volunteer work, it is moivating and will make you feel better.
I did volunteer work at a local theatre for example.. bulding sets other stage crew work... I didn't get paid a dime, but it was a non-profit theatre, they needed the help, and it was a lot of fun
And I was getting snail mail from them each month with a brochure of what shows were on each month... my WS did see thsoe letters
No pressure but she saw improvement.. this was very effective when I did it
I am happy to hear that she went to the event and had a good time. And that you got her to laugh. All very good. I think you are doing quite well, but you will need to use patience.
As for being affectionate in public, it does seem soon for you to be trying that. I do believe that talking to a spouse is the best way to find out what they want or don't want. And I also hear you saying that she gives you snappy retorts when you do try to talk to her. I think you will need to continue melting the ice with ideas for fun things you can do together, like the concert and the party, and just being friendly. Perhaps when she lets her guard down you could have a discussion with her about you wanting to give her the public affection if it pleases her, but only if she wants you to.
My W shows me something she wants to purchase. I leave and come back and she is ready to go and do something but is just sitting there. So I asked if she had plans for today she replied no. So then I ask if she wanted to take a ride to the place where the item is. I assumed that is why she was dressed to go. Her response was "if you want" with a shoulder shrug. I then said nothing in return. If I say "sure let's go" then I feel like it was pursuit but if I say "no" then I know she would get annoyed as she did.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
BTW I know all of what I ask and examples I give may seem petty compared to what others on this board are going through but this is all new to me. I'm at serious risk of l osing my wife and her word, attitude and actions are that which I never seen before.I receive no emotion, affection, intimacy or anything but negativity with a sprinkle of mix signals. I know it could be much much worse. I do appreciate aLl the help and advice.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
My W shows me something she wants to purchase. I leave and come back and she is ready to go and do something but is just sitting there. So I asked if she had plans for today she replied no. So then I ask if she wanted to take a ride to the place where the item is. I assumed that is why she was dressed to go. Her response was "if you want" with a shoulder shrug. I then said nothing in return. If I say "sure let's go" then I feel like it was pursuit but if I say "no" then I know she would get annoyed as she did.
It's mild pursuit.
A more conservative route could be letting her know you are available if she wants to go and going to make yourself a tea or something.. stay nearby, don't get heavily involved a video game or something... but just sit back and wait for her to show the initiative.
Your pursuit was quite mild, and ultimately its up to HER what pursuit is, but I don't think you did any damage with your chosen route.
I can think of a milder offer, but I can also think of more aggresive pursuit too... its a VERY tough rope to walk.
Does she have any marriage-friendly friends that you are confident with?
What I am thinking is if you can have one of her friends help guide her through this time it may help...its very hard to go through a wayward phase alone.. this is why oftentimes affairs show up during that phase...
I am not concerned about an affair here, I am thinking she DOES need support, but from you directly it may be overmuch right now.
In regards to physical affection which you asked about earlier I have an idea.
Why not get her the info for a good salon/spa. I realize this is unconventional, but you could suggest she take a spa day to help her relax.
This is HER getting some affection and a good massage, it offers you nothing I know. But it may help HER see that you are thinking of HER comfort exclusively.
She indicates she likes affection, but likley doens't want it from you... a SAFE route is send her to a spa of some sort - obviously one where it would be FEAMLES doing the work, not men... yikes.
Just a thought, its really out there I know...
Tell her a therapist suggested it or something, so she doensn't think you are up to somthing and get defensive or distrustful.
And that SHOULD help her relax a lot.
The best is if you can find a marriage-friendly friend to go along with her - again a female. Offer to pay for them both to go.
No she does not have a marriage friendly-friend. To be honest outside of work she knows no one. I know many people say their situation is unique but her and I did everything together over the past ten yrs. there was rarely a time where either one of us went anywhere or did anything with out the other. And this held true up to 8 weeks ago where she finally come to the realization that I will always be an [censored]. She did everything for me and I showed her no appreciation and took all for granted.
I will see what I can work out
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
When this all began and I was going through changes I felt strongly we would make it through this. I would ask "what is holding us back" she would say "I just don't believe this is real, you have not said things like this to me in a very long time" then came her nasty streak. It was like anytime I would project happiness our talk about the future she would remind me she is leaving. She thought I was overlooking the severity of the situation. Slowly the hugs, kisses and ILY started to fade. That might had more to do with the OM I think. Now I am in an odd situation....where some say if I say or do that it would be pursuit and pressure her but knowing what my wife always wanted from me it seems right to say or do. But now I am very hesitant in what I do or say.
She does ask me to do things for her, we do things together...I don't know just all feels unreal
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
What she WANTED when she had HOPE, is NOT what she may want NOW...
When a spouses' hope fades, their willingness to accept love blocks out too.. it just reminds her of all the HURT and she doens't want you opening that door... and PURSUIT FORCES it open.
Ever tried to force a door open on someone? Do you honeslty think that's going to end well? It won't.
So you play milkman. YOu drop the bottles on the doorstep and wait to see what she picks up.. tha'ts all you can do.
You can show her you are WILLING to offer these things to her without OFFERING them to her. Offer them to friends, family, talk on the phone different... BE a different person around everyone else and she will pick that up and you will have done nothing tp push her.
