Starting Over (Again)

[Cautious]

You never know Cautious, there could be a prince of a man out there that was made for you that you have not met yet. Have faith.

It's very likely that I am using ExCautious to avoid this scenario, but I don't really care if I am. I do not want to meet anyone at this point in my life. I do not want to 1-take away any attention I have for my son (to text Prince, to talk on the phone with Prince, or worse - to spend time with Prince instead of S5) or 2-force S5 to have to make the decision whether to call Prince Dad or not, either way someone stands to get hurt. I've seen how quickly ex sis in law found someone new after my brother, and within WEEKS she had my neices all calling new guy "Daddy". Killed my brother. I'm not doing that to ExCautious - no one deserves that pain, I don't care WHAT they did to me.

[g450]

I hear ya Cautious. But you are still very young.

Your Son will not be a child forever and one day you will find him moving out on his own.

This is the empty nest scenario that sparked the start of my own failed marriage and now me and my XW are older and alone. Would not wish that on anyone.

But to be honest, you have complete control over who your Son calls his Daddy. That would be your choice. As long as the family unit is a loving one then the child will benefit no matter who is called daddy. Just MHO.

And you also deserve to be happy. And Im not saying to rush out and grab the first guy you see. Im talking years and maybe a decade from now.

But do not fall into the trap of living only for your Son. It is not healthy for you or your offspring. Never say never Cautious. Just keep an open mind and an open heart.

In my situation I love my wife still dearly. But I have come to realize and appreciate how much better other women treat me as a man and show respect for me that my wife did not show me for years. I understand that my options are all wide open. But I would take my wife back in a heart beat and she knows it.

And those my dear are just some of the benefits of detaching as I am starting to learn.

[flowmom]

Cautious, I just want you to know that I am pro-choice. It's such a difficult decision to make, and I think it's the rare woman who would make it lightly. I have known women who have made that choice for the sake of their families and children, and I respect them for that. hugs to you.

[Cautious]

Thanks for not throwing stones, fm. I just can't bear the thought... but I do know that I will live through it and it will only get easier. What won't get easier is waiting for ExCautious to come out of denial.

I feel sorry for him in a way. He doesn't have a single real friend or family. He only has himself, since he lies and denies his own life to everyone around him. But I'm not enabling that behavior. And, again, if his dad or BF ask, I'll tell them the truth. It's the best favor I can do for him, the way I see it. Once he's exposed to the people who have been there for him, he'll have to start answering for his own actions and he'll have to REALLY deal with life.

But if they don't ask, there's no reason for me to push the envelope again.

[Cautious]

Journaling:

Today was... like that noise horses make... or maybe donkeys.

I accidentally hugged ex... he woke me up and caught me off guard. I pretty much yelled at him all day, so pretty large backslide, but I'm not letting it get to me.

I'm pretty much depressed today, think I deserve a couple days of downtime. It's too hard to keep up PMA every time I see ExCautious, almost wears me out because I have to psych myself up for it.

Decided I'm going to put some money into myself to try and cheer myself up. Dunno if that will work out the way I plan, but maybe.

Sorry for being so vague... I'll try to explain when even I know what I'm thinking.

[flowmom]

(((Cautious))) Can you spend less time with ExC? It sounds like the interactions are not helping your goals...

[Cautious]

It will be easier after Wednesday. We just had to finalize all of our "plans" and had S5 exchanges every other day due to the weekend and he has Tues and Weds evening custody. I won't see him all weekend - just good friends and - something I've been looking forward to - graduation for my friends on Thursday.

Just have to see him tomorrow and then I can sleep it off for a while. Thanks for asking, it was just one of those weeks.

[Quart9]

The donkey says, "Hee haw, hee haw." Is that what today felt like? LOL!

Cautious no one should judge you for that decision you made. It is your body and you are a grown woman. You have the right to do whatever you want.

It’s just like anything that happens to us in our sitch's - it occurs, we have to deal with it, and we have to learn/grow from it.

I wouldn't feel bad for telling Ex's family and friends the truth (especially if you are asked by them). The dude shouldn't be making you out to be a psycho to them. The common theme (of course) is for our Ex's to down play us to their fam and friends. I guess it makes them feel better. It’s not fair to you.

You should not feel sorry for him not having close friends and family (especially if it’s because he lies to them). Like G450 and others have said - you have to detach from him. The interactions, thoughts, missing Ex, and communicating with Ex will all just wear you out. It doesn't seem to get you very far except more hurt.

As far a seeing Ex, I have only experienced it a couple of times since my W and I split, but it’s like you have this built up anxiety and excitement to see them. You hope it goes well and then you want more. It’s heartbreaking.

I don't blame you for not wanting to bring dates or another man around your son. Seeing someone that actually WANTS to see you though seems like it would be good for you. You're too young not to get out and enjoy life and find someone else to really enjoy it with.

[Cautious]

Thanks as always, Quart. I really needed some encouragement today.

Today went fairly well. Managed to keep it cool as I dropped off S5, even though I was slightly miffed by ExCautious's actions. Made small talk with ExFIL, but kind of abruptly ended it because of the miff... eh, you win some you lose some. I'll do better next time, he's always been more of a father to me than my own and I'd hate to damage that connection. (Don't worry, I'm not overindulging either, it's just awkward and I'd like it to be smoother)

Got home, took a nap. School today was exhausting & I guess I used all my energy being a "team leader". That's a long story that can be shortened by simply saying I intend to come back to the school to teach in 3 years, so I go over and above in class.

ExCautious showed up while I was just arriving home from picking up a special request from S5. Strange sidenote: S5, who NEVER calls for the 2 hour visits, called around 7pm tonight. Just to chat. Really weird, but he didn't really mention anything. Sometimes he's afraid to say things because he'll get in trouble with me or ExCautious for "tattling". But he didn't bring it up tonight either. So I'll just let it go. He's had to act well above his age since this whole process started, I can't expect him to outright say "I am having trouble with my relationship with you/daddy because I am not recieving enough attention/praise". I'll just keep an eye on things and try to work it out when it becomes more clear.

So I was juvenile. I'll admit it. But the overall effect, I think, will probably work out to my advantage. ExCautious was in his "dressed up" clothes. So I said "Have fun on your date." and walked away. To which he initially said "Okay!" Then changed to "Wish that's where I was going!" I said nothing, just kept walking. Got my popcorn popping, just waiting for this to pick up speed so I can watch the wreck. I hope there will be 3-D glasses.

[Cautious]

Just need to vent:

Why is it so ******* difficult to pay your **** child support? Going to the courthouse tomorrow. He can think about the former question in jail.