My Story

[FindingMyVoice]

Oh hey... that's how you do the smiley face! I just typed in the colon and a bracket like I do with my emails, and it put the little smiley guy in for me! I'm so slow some days! And I work on computers all day! Yeesh!

[Wired]

Thanks for stopping in Prairie. Keeping tabs on your post also.

Update:
Had a long talk with my dad yesterday. He shared something with me that I never realized about my wife. She has had something inside her for years that she hasnt been able to let go. And he has seen that in her from the very first day I introduced the two of them. He does not know what exactly it is and I am sure she probably has told me a million times.
But until she starts the very same thing I am trying to do here she will never get over the hurt I have caused her and that she has put on herself over the years.

Update 2:
Have started taking over more responsibilities around the house that I used to shrug off onto her. Doing more with the kids now and trying to find this void inside that is keeping me from truly showing them the love I have for them, but I think as I find myself over the next few weeks this will hopefully become easier.
I did piss the wife off Friday when I was paying the bills, things are tight right now and she wanted me to do one thing a way she wanted and I did it the way I wanted to. She made a comment that she didnt trust me to do it right and I replied back " Either you can trust me to do this or pay the bill yourself" woooops she hasnt talked to me since. Oh well whats she going to do? Divorce me?

Update 3:
The roller coaster is still going, I can be doing fine for a few hours and then it hits me and I have to bee line to the bathroom and just break down and cry. Not as much anymore and I can recognize it when its coming. So at least the kids arent seeing Dad whimpering on the floor like a kicked dog.
Seeing the Doctor here in a few hours and let him know about this and see if he can put me on something for a few weeks to take the spikes out of my day.

Thank You All and see ya next update.

[FindingMyVoice]

Hi Wired,
I just read your update and wanted to say hi and hang in there; thanks too for the great reply to my post. Good luck today. I've got one thing I wanted to share with you, if that's ok?

Please don't feel bad for crying; it's actually a good thing, even though it probably hurts (heart and pride) while you're doing it. This is going to sound really, really corny, so be prepared... When I was still in school I'd get really knotted up when I wrote exams. Broke down and sobbed in one, right in front of about 150 other students. Humiliating. When I told my dad, this is what he offered me: People have to cry every now and again. When we do, it helps to wash away all the bad stuff in life from our vision. Then when we open our eyes again we can see life, and ourselves, more clearly; maybe even see more of the good things inside, and the good things in life still to come. Sorry again for the corny-ness; I warned you! But it's true. It's really true.

Take care of yourself today. Will keep an eye out for your next update. PS hit him upside the head with a frying pan...hahahaha! Still cracks me up.

[Wired]

Update:
- Coming home to a tomb is breaking me up slowly inside. The wife and kids come down, grab a plate for dinner then go back upstairs. Have never felt this alone before in my entire life.
I find myself coming to this site more and more often as it brings me some comfort to be with others who understand. You notice how your real life "friends" seem to drift away when you are at your worse?
-Need to focus more on GAL or I feel that I will loose hope. Soon as money situation eases up a bit need to find something to do.
-Found out will be in Texas next month for 8-9 weeks straight. This I feel will either be the end or the begining. Time will tell I guess.
-Went to DR yesterday and he upped my medication as he wasnt seeing the results he wanted. I asked him to just write my a prescription for a big fat doobie so I could zone out and eat some twinkies. He was glad to see I still had a sense of humor.(He wouldnt write the script tho!!!:) )
-Still no mention from her of S or R. No mention of anything as a matter of fact.

[FindingMyVoice]

So sorry to hear how lonely you've felt - my heart really goes out to you; that's really rough. I'm learning this week too, about how important GAL is. 12bar said too, that at the beginning he hadn't made it a priority and it made the process tougher. Hope you find something that interests you soon, and be sure to post about it - I'm interested to hear what you pick. Thanks again for the frying pan today. I needed that. Save a twinkie for me.

[kara]

(((Wired)))

Not many words for you, just mainly silent support.

How can you find ways to enjoy coming home? I understand that everyone may be isolating themselves to their respective spaces but what can you do differently for you? Play some of your favorite music when you get home? Try going into a "zone" of the house that you don't usually venture into these days? Would the kids eat with you sometimes or go out to dinner?

Can you get to a gym or get some exercise before you come home? That will really get your PMA up.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi Wired, Just read your thread & offering my support. You have come a long way in a very short time. I'm sorry you are feeling lonely in your house. I've been there but don't have kids. What Kara said is a good idea, is there a way you can have dinner with the kids, or make plans for ice cream or a movie after dinner?

ADs can make a huge difference. Keep on with your goals, GAL & PMA. Hang in there, we are all pulling for you.

[idontunderstand]

Hi Wired

Just stopped by to offer my support also. I know the lonely feeling too. Stay strong!

[avermont]

Just offering support, too. What can you do different when you come home? Put music on? What simple thing can change the energy?

Good for following up with Doc on meds. They can really help.

Focus on what makes you feel better.

Peace.

[Wired]

It seems right now that there is a wall around my my heart. I try to express my love for my children but cant find the words to say. I hear them laughing with their mother and it just breaks me to pieces.
Something inside is keeping me bottled up and I just have not come to the point where I can let them know/show them my love for them.
I think it is partially a self defense mechanism to try and keep out the pain. Like the song says I need to "Tear down the wall"