It takes time to detach completely, even after divorce. It took me approximately 2 years after the divorce to finally say "okay, enough of this bs". What helped me is the fact that I didn't have any more contact w/him after the divorce. Maybe the contact for you has to be completely dark these days.
You haven't been divorced very long and you are still grieving. It takes time....be kind to yourself and don't set your expectations too high for what you think you need to do and can do at this time. One day at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry I couldn't write much over the holidays when everyone was home and using the computer. I know that the holidays are the worst time to feel alone and sad--I hope you managed to spend some pleasant time with your family and friends!
I think that where you're at emotionally is a perfectly natural place to be. I'm sure you've read about all the stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance) and how we cycle through them numerous times before we reach the goal of acceptance. Even though it's hard, it's necessary to go through the complete process in order to heal and grow. It is possible to become "stuck" in a grief cycle, in which case it's good to get counselling help to break free--listen to your friends/relations if they ever tell you they think you're at that point.
But in the meantime, FEEL your feelings, and focus on taking care of yourself. Did you find the time/energy/interest to take on some GAL activities? Are you still working out at the gym?
Another thought I had is about closure. Having a good relationship ripped away with no explanation must feel as though the universe has stopped making sense. Of course, you wait for an apology, for him to return to his pre-MLC mind, or for him to crash and burn on his self-destructive course. It seems as though SOMETHING has to happen before it's possible to move on--and that there's no one else out there anyhow.
I've never been in your exact shoes, but I think there were some similarities in my life as a result of having been molested. I fantasized about the abuser finally "getting" what he'd done to me and coming to apologize, or being set "free" by the news that he'd died. In some part of me I felt as though my life were partly on hold until I'd had that closure.
It took me far too long to realize that as long as I felt "different" from other people, or as if I would never really trust people because of what that man I trusted completely had begun when I was 7, or that this was something I'd never completely heal from, I was actually giving him too much power. I was victimizing myself by viewing myself as a wounded victim. I was defining myself through my relationship with him, not as a unique person.
What it took for me to take back control of my life was to forgive him--instead of waiting for him to change or die. I completed a careful and considered program of forgiveness, which asked me to complete exercises like considering all the negative assumptions I had developed about myself and my relationship with the world, of reframing everything he'd done into a positive statement of what a good relationship would be like, of developing compassion for him as someone whose upbringing had left him too wounded to be a properly caring adult in my life.
Then I let him go, and the change was gradual but amazing--after a lifetime of nightmares about him, especially with regards to my children, I could even have dreams where I knew he was hovering in the background, but I could continue confidently on with what I was doing, knowing he had no power. I believe that if I ran into him in real life, I could say a slightly mocking greeting to him and continue on. (In the past, I saw him in a grocery store, left feeling sick, was troubled for days and never returned to that store.)
l don't know if you're interested in such a step as forgiveness, but wanted to explain how it can set you free, should a time come when you feel ready to shake your ex off.
Try not to worry too much about the unlikelihood of finding available new guys in your age group. Once you're in a good frame of mind to meet them, I think people will be attracted to that. You've been very strong in how you dealt with your ex, and you will make it through this dark time!
Kai, I rarely come onto the boards any more but have felt compelled in the last week to do so. I have been here more or less since about 2005, long story and this post is not to focus on me or my sitch but to send you a hug today and to tell you that you will be ok. This is a long and hurtful journey but in time and with distance and support from places like this site you will get through to the other side. Honestly, one day you will just wake up and the pain is just about gone.
There are some great people on this site who can point you in the right direction but first things first, take care of yourself and your children and dont look at what he is doing ... focus on you.
