Boy, I don't know all. At the risk of being cynical these days I am starting to wonder--with 5 billion people (half the opposite sex) on the planet--whether trying to resurrect a relationship and love affair with someone that has the capacity to betray you, stab you in the back, hurt you beyond comprehension, and require YOU to woo her to restore this seems...well... to be a little backasswards.
Don't get me wrong--I'd LOVE for my wife not to have had an affair, the family not to have been ripped apart, my kids hurt, and their perfect life to be intact but it isn't. Its kinda like waking up one day and finding out that the rock solid perfect house you "thought" you had is infested by termites and is arguably beyond repair. Sometimes you have to make a replace versus rebuild decision which I guess is different in all cases.
I wish you the best of luck but you might give one of those other 2.5 billion females a shot out there to see if life is better with or without....I betcha there are some walking around that would have never done to you what she did. Some bells can't be unrung.
I'm not sure i want to be married to you anymore - 8-30-09 ILYBINILWY = 9-4-09 Busted her on a date 9-19-09 Separation - 9-21-09 Divorce - 10-9-09 S15 S13 S10 M - 18 Years
1. We have no data to suggest that a random new mate is less likley to cheat than a current mate who has worked through the rebuilding process. 2. The only way to know if a relationship CAN be repaired is to explore that rebuilding process.
Granted, in some extreme cases of multiple affairs, violence, etc, I can certainly see why some may just cut their losses and opt not to explore this venue.
But in OIN's case, there was no PA that we know of, and he EA was brief and not that involved.. though OIN is still monioring the situation.
OIN's situation is quite mild compared to some other posters on this forum.
1. We have no data to suggest that a random new mate is less likley to cheat than a current mate who has worked through the rebuilding process. 2. The only way to know if a relationship CAN be repaired is to explore that rebuilding process.
Granted, in some extreme cases of multiple affairs, violence, etc, I can certainly see why some may just cut their losses and opt not to explore this venue.
But in OIN's case, there was no PA that we know of, and he EA was brief and not that involved.. though OIN is still monioring the situation.
OIN's situation is quite mild compared to some other posters on this forum.
Agreed on amany points including the extent of the affair. Mine was never proved to be a PA but definitely was an EA and even though I have no proof logic suggests to me that she had the PA as well. I don't need to know or confirm the details--it would just harm me mentally and make it harder to move forward in life.
I should have confined my comments to another and better thrread for this given that OIN seems to have caught his wife before catastrophic damage occured to the relationship. I didn't so my thoughts are probably a little inapprpriate for this thread.
Carry on and good luck with the rebuilding if that ultimately turns out to be the right decision.
I'm not sure i want to be married to you anymore - 8-30-09 ILYBINILWY = 9-4-09 Busted her on a date 9-19-09 Separation - 9-21-09 Divorce - 10-9-09 S15 S13 S10 M - 18 Years
Just an update...My W did decide to go with me to my work gathering. My W did wear her ring. I said nothing about. At times she seemed miserable and I made the mistake of saying "what's wrong? you sound miserable" and she said "I can show you miserable." I said nothing further and changed the subject. From what I observed she enjoyed herself. I said somethings that at the expense of my co-workers and she had a good laugh. Some of my co-workers would say things like "You two got to come do this with us sometime" and started to invite us to future outings in which I had no reply because I did not my W to think I was looking forward to a future between us overlooking the situation.
I said to her after we left "I hope you had a good time" and she replied she did.
She was short with me at times and very distant.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I am suspecting she may have a mild case of depression. This may explain both her sleeping a lot and the EA.
If she has depression a crowded party is giong to leave her a bit tense... the important part is she went of her own volition without any pressure from you.. THAT is the goal.
Be VERY careful with the "what's wrong" that is blatant pursuit and temperature taking.
You need to learn to rely on what she's saying, again use the wild animal analogy, you can't ask a wild animal what's wrong, you need to OBSERVE and make an educated guess... each time you poke at her it just irritates her ..
I will also point out OIN, I have read elsewhere that roughly one bad thing weighs the same as seven good things
This means every time you pursue you put your good work seven steps back. For every seven good steps you take to get close again one act of pursuit will put you right back there again.. its a HUGE backbeddal... be VERY careful on that
And again for the sake of diffusing rabblerousing I will point out the number was rough and I don't have the actual post reference handy.. feel free to quibble over the ratio or concept as you chose to.. to my mind its the thought that counts here.
Understood I will not ask that any more. When I think about how it came about to where she agreed to go I don't think I pressured her.
Initially I said "co-workers are getting together on such date around this time at this place" and then said "your welcome to come with" she asked some questions and I told her I would get the answers. Later in the day I gave the answers to the questions and from there she had it planned to go
Depression may be the case....she just spent 131 dollars on colorful socks and said to me "they make me happy". inside I was upset at the cost but I gave her the impression "whatever makes you happy"
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I think you wuold much have her escaping onto the socks than the OM... let the socks ride I say...
I don't think you pressured her into the event either.. that was realy good to see she went... each time she GOES you have a chance to show her a better you than you have been.
An issue in the past was a lack of public affection. I want to be able to show her this affection as we do more and more things together but I don't think my attempts would be welcomed. I don't want to pressure her and I don't want to set myself up for that rejection. Do I do it and see how she reacts? When I say it I mean, the hand holding, the closeness in public, the arm around her ect... I did at one point ask her if I made her feel uncomfortable and she replied no. I just don't want to make any unwanted contact at the same time I don't want to sit back and be the same guy I once was.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
