Well I guess as I was supposed to I figured this one out on my own. I let it go. I can't stop H from doing any of what he's doing. I've detached further.
At the beginning when H first left he was more careful as to what he let me know as far as what he was doing with ow. Now that I've backed off I guess he just figures that I don't care anymore and whatever he does is OK with me.
One of his complaints as he was getting ready to leave was that he thought I didn't love him like a woman should love her husband. I wonder if H will ever understand how much I did and do love him by letting him go.
I let it go. I can't stop H from doing any of what he's doing. I've detached further.
The answers really are in there.....
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
One of his complaints as he was getting ready to leave was that he thought I didn't love him like a woman should love her husband. I wonder if H will ever understand how much I did and do love him by letting him go.
Is that true ?
What IS his perception of how to love ?
If that stings, take a hard look at it.
If it is MLC spew, still take a look and see if there is something that YOU want to do different in the future.
SA My XH said the same he told our therapist "she doesnt really love me" when it seemed so clear to me that I did its a process that cant be stopped or interrupted they have to go through it unfortunately
peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I let it go. I can't stop H from doing any of what he's doing. I've detached further.
Keep working on this SA.
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At the beginning when H first left he was more careful as to what he let me know as far as what he was doing with ow. Now that I've backed off I guess he just figures that I don't care anymore and whatever he does is OK with me.
They go through their own process. Anger because we give them what they ask for...
Indifference after a while...
All depends on the mood of the moment....
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One of his complaints as he was getting ready to leave was that he thought I didn't love him like a woman should love her husband.
You are not the only one who has heard this.
Can you say projection?
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I wonder if H will ever understand how much I did and do love him by letting him go.
Maybe someday...
But does that change anything for you?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
[/quote]One of his complaints as he was getting ready to leave was that he thought I didn't love him like a woman should love her husband.
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Is that true ?[quote]
Thank you for such a thought provoking question Mach1. Yes, to my H I guess it is true as his perception is his reality. On the other hand my perception is my reality, and I definitely did and do love him. I believe if I didn't I would in no way consider ever taking him back after all this. I don't need my H, I do want him though. I realize my old M is dead and I don't want that back anyway, so yes, if I ever get the chance again with my H I would do things differently. H would have to as well to make a new R work.
Cat04 - Thank you as always. I do wonder about the questions I've asked, but you're absolutely right about that even if I did have the answers to them it wouldn't change anything right now anyway.
Peace - Thank you for posting. Support and knowing I'm not alone are the blessings in all this.
Thank you for such a thought provoking question Mach1. Yes, to my H I guess it is true as his perception is his reality. On the other hand my perception is my reality, and I definitely did and do love him. I believe if I didn't I would in no way consider ever taking him back after all this. I don't need my H, I do want him though. I realize my old M is dead and I don't want that back anyway, so yes, if I ever get the chance again with my H I would do things differently. H would have to as well to make a new R work.
Okay....part two....
Did you love him the way that YOU feel love ?
Or the way HE feels love....
There is a difference....
Maybe his perception isn't that warped, and BOTH are true....
Mach1 - Can't answer that because in the last 2 years H withdrew from us. I can honestly tell you I tried every thing I could think of the reach him, even went as far as to try to buy his love when nothing else worked. I was an idiot. His anger and depression were present most of the time. The majority of the time he just wanted to be left alone.
H was never one to talk about what he was feeling until it got to the point that he would explode. Even then what was really bothering him was never brought out. First, it was one thing and when that was resolved, it was something else. I truly felt I couldn't win and the kids felt this way at times, too.
Issues were something to be kept inside because H once told me that he didn't want to bring things up and talk about them because of the emotional investment.
Please do not get the impression that it was all bad. It was not. H was a supportive, hard working, protective man for most of our M and a good dad. He would have his depressive episodes, but the good times outweighed the bad as far as I was concerned. I have never felt that he didn't love me until 5 months ago when he dropped the bomb. He told me then that he hadn't loved me for years. You could have knocked me over with a feather and the rest of our family was just as shocked.
One thing H did say after he left is that I never even tried to draw him out. THAT FOR CERTAIN IS NOT TRUE. I tried multiple times in multiple ways. After a long while I stopped because I was getting sucked down too because of my concern about him. We had children to consider.
I know now that I was trying to fix something I had no control over. I could only save myself.
If this is a love language question, I haven't read the book.
Do you really speak in a way that your spouse understands ?
If I said that I made latex gloves for a living, and that was my passion, and I also collected old light bulbs.
The latex glove thing was something that I didn't speak often of though ( because it was my occupation ) , and what you saw most often was my light bulb collection.
How long until the true passion was ignored and you only talked to me about the light bulbs ?
How long would it take, when everyday life kicks in , and the latex glove passion was forgotten?
I mean really forgotten ?
My point being...
Yes, this has to do with LL....
SA, what REALLY got lost in the throws of everyday life that you overlooked ?
Be honest, not with me, rather with yourself...
This is mirror work , and it sucks...
Very necessary though..
Your NEXT relationship deserves this..
DID YOU SPEAK TO HIM IN A WAY THAT HE UNDERSTOOD ?
