When this began 8 weeks ago, when I first realized she was serious about leaving I started to overwhelm her with feelings and gifts. I started to say things I use to say but stopped long ago. I tried to get my W to go with me and do the things we use to. She rejected all my efforts. It seemed the more I tried the more often she would tell me she was leaving.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
All I can say is we do communicate more often but I have not tried the things I did once this all began, since they stopped talking. I am afraid to. I can't even give my wife a compliment without getting a dirty look in return. At times she is a cold and bitter as any other day.
this morning just as she was leaving for work I wanted to give her a hug but I got no vibe from her that it was had been welcomed so I did not do it, I did not want to pressure her.
Last edited by OfficerInNeed; 03/17/1007:24 AM.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
In my case, I was no where ready to respond in a positive way to my H after my EA. I did not want him to complememnt me or hug me, either. I had to go through the withdrawal and he didn't see a lot of positive change in my attitude for a while.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When this began 8 weeks ago, when I first realized she was serious about leaving I started to overwhelm her with feelings and gifts. I started to say things I use to say but stopped long ago. I tried to get my W to go with me and do the things we use to. She rejected all my efforts. It seemed the more I tried the more often she would tell me she was leaving.
I'm not sure how long she and OM haven't been in contact, but I think the disconnect here between the "do I tell her I love her, etc.," vs. "no; that is pursuit" opinions, is WITHDRAWAL. You have to account for WITHDRAWAL.
Hard withdrawal after an affair usually takes 2-4 weeks, depending on the depth of the emotional connection that was developed (most EAs take longer than shorter PAs). Complete withdrawal, IF the formerly-wayward spouse maintains no-contact, can take 6-24 months.
During hard withdrawal, your wife isn't going to be open to you emotionally. All you can do is pretty much the emotional equivalent of pulling back the drunk's hair while they drive the porcelain bus -- do Acts of Service for her, be kind, let her see you interacting positively with OTHERS, but don't pursue HER during this time, other than the occasional "I hate to see you in pain" or some such empathy statement.
After hard withdrawal ends (and this is why COMPLETE NO-CONTACT, with a good transparency plan in place to confirm it, is so important, because ANY contact is going to reset her withdrawal "clock" to 0:00), you can begin to ramp up the attempts to meet her emotional needs. Start with her primary one or two love languages -- what are hers, OIN?
The REAL sucky part, is that YOUR emotional needs aren't likely to be met for that same 6-24 month period.
Did not see ur post b4 I made mine. I really don't notice any withdrawal, she pretty much remain the same. The only diff is the phone calls had stopped. They work together and see each other 3 days a week. According to a friend it is near impossible for them not to talk to each other given the nature if the work but he assured me when they do talk it is not like it use to be it is work related.
OMW who I just spoke to actually said the phone logs are clean and they are doing well. According to omw om calls her all the time from work where as I dont even get something as simple as a TM. OMW will continue to monitor the situation on her end.
As I said b4 my wife appears to be communicating with me more often and is not as nasty toward me as she once was but she still has her very bitter momments.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
My advice is to keep your distance as you have been doing, but try to occasionally do some things with her, such as watch a movie or go shopping, or cook a meal, anything together, and try for the laughs. There is something special about who you laugh with. Not just ha-ha, but the real belly laughs. I think laughing together can melt the ice.
