Ah, here is an example of what Allen A is referring to:
Quote:
You must take this opportunity to prove to her that you can do something you haven't been doing for some time: Meet her most important emotional needs. First, you need to discover them. What was her friend doing that she found so irresistible? He probably talked to her, showed an interest in her, was respectful and encouraging, demonstrated his care by being there for her when she needed him. And maybe, most important, he didn't criticize her or try to straighten her out.
Call her, send her flowers, tell her how much you love her, how much you miss her. Don't smother her, but let her know in no uncertain terms that you value your relationship with her.
That example is one where the woman has already ended her affair, and come back to the husband. You're taking it out of context.
Here is the paragraph immediately preceding the one that you quoted:
Quote:
First, let's analyze the problem. Over the past few years, you and your wife have grown apart. You have become incompatible, and you are not meeting her emotional needs. She probably isn't meeting yours either. She found someone who meets her needs, and was willing to give up her relationship with you to be with him. She comes back to you reluctantly, because she has no choice. But it gives you an opportunity.
Harley teaches that you can't meet the emotional needs of a spouse when they're still actively cheating -- they will be physiologically blocked to you. You must first separate the addict from the source of the addiction, and THEN, yes, you need to set about the hard work of repairing the marital relationship, including your own role in its demise, including not meeting their emotional needs.
As I understand it, in this instance, the two couples held the conversation over speakerphone so that everyone heard what was said.
Um, you do know that people who are cheating LIE, right? Like, pretty much ALWAYS?
Look, I'm not in favor of constant snooping. But there are some very specific times when it's appropriate:
In general, I'm only in favor of snooping when:
- your initially trying to confirm an affair;
- as a gathering of evidence for a "cause" legal action of adultery, or to help you make a decision about custody;
- to confirm no-contact, as part of a MUTUALLY-AGREED-UPON transparency plan;
- you are concerned about dissipation of marital assets, or a drug, gambling or alcohol addition, or some other behavior that might prove harmful to the family.
Also pup, you can USE the intel to seek out support during exposure phase... very often if you have no proof that your spouse is cheating friends of BOTH you and your spouse won't want to take a side... if you have a love letter or a photo that often shocks them into making a commitment to support you
When exposing if you have no proof, your exposure is fairly hollow and can very often be dismissed our highly doubted..
Harley teaches that you can't meet the emotional needs of a spouse when they're still actively cheating -- they will be physiologically blocked to you. You must first separate the addict from the source of the addiction, and THEN, yes, you need to set about the hard work of repairing the marital relationship, including your own role in its demise, including not meeting their emotional needs.
Puppy
Harley's the man, thanks for the cover yet AGAIN pupper
man I am gonna be coverin yer back for years now! lol
And in OIN's case I believe he affair to be mostly dealt with. I wouldn't stop monitoring for at least a couple months... but I think a rebuilding approach would be in order soon once withdrawal has hit the door.
I feel like OMW and I nipped the A in the bud and the situation IS still being monitored BUT I do need to start rebuilding with my W. There have been positives and negatives in the past week or so. I don't get excited over the positives but I do admit I sometimes take the negatives to heart. There are times where I just want to speak my mind and tell her how I feel but I know that is PURSUIT and I have a gut feeling that my feelings would get rejected.
My W has once again took the ring off and I said nothing just as I did when she put it on.
I want to show affection and love for her so she does not seek it elsewhere but I also do not want to push her away.
Sometimes I catch myself doing things that might be making matter worse. I know I cannot expect her to meet my emotional needs at this stage and sometimes I forget this and set myself up for disappointment.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
You dodged a very fatal bullet there my friend.. that alone you should be celebrating already.
But you seem to get the idea of not pressuring your WS and that she has to return at her own pace.. you can influence that pace by behaving in ways that would draw her closer, but it really must be her choice.
Telling her how you feel isn't just pursuit, she really is into how she feels right now.. she isn't concerned overmuch about you... she's overwhelmed with her own feelings.. they are rushing around at a high pace in her mind right now.. its very hard to cope under those circumstances.
Telling her how you feel will just add to that stress, it won't heal or repair any damage.
If the official advice from your source Harley in a case such as this, where the wife has come back is:
Quote:
You must take this opportunity to prove to her that you can do something you haven't been doing for some time: Meet her most important emotional needs. First, you need to discover them. What was her friend doing that she found so irresistible? He probably talked to her, showed an interest in her, was respectful and encouraging, demonstrated his care by being there for her when she needed him. And maybe, most important, he didn't criticize her or try to straighten her out.
Call her, send her flowers, tell her how much you love her, how much you miss her. Don't smother her, but let her know in no uncertain terms that you value your relationship with her.
From What to Do with an Unfaithful Wife Letter #2 by Steven W. Harley
How do you reconcile that with your advice:
Quote:
Telling her how you feel will just add to that stress, it won't heal or repair any damage.
You are not repeating Harley's advice. You are saying something completely different.
I have followed the DR approach but then I tweaked it a little. Through-out this thread in everyone of my post I would try to provide an update of our current state and how each day/event played out (A aside).
This situation is very hard to wrap my head around. How can I influence or draw her back to me? How do I melt the ice around her heart?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
