How to approach W about OM

[Lotus]

There is another way of looking at it. Your wife feels bullied. So she is pushing back. First, to show you what it feels like, and secondly, just in case it is worth doing.

I have tried to make the point before that marriage is a voluntary relationship. People stay with their spouses because they want to. Just because you say she is "your wife" does not make her your property, like your car or your dog. When she decides that life with you is not in her best interest she will look for better options.

My opinion is that she was not looking for an affair when she started talking to this other guy. She may not have exercised adequate caution, and she did get hung up on him. But he did not want to get romantically involved with her, so it is over. However, if you keep treating her like she is your child, who you can make rules for and keep in a cage, you will now lose her. You haven't lost her yet. But if you continue these strong-arm tactics, you will.

I cannot believe that the advice given on this board which is devoted to healing marriages is to use surveillance on spouses, embarrass them publicly, and distrust everything they do and say. And withhold all kind words and gestures.

The cornerstones of marriage are love, trust, commitment, and forgiveness. Without all four of those attributes, marriages fail. You cannot rebuild your marriage on distrust, grudge holding, and silence. Anyone who advises you to do so is not doing you any favors.

[Allen A]

We aren't rebuilding a marriage lotus, we are PROTECTING a marriage, THAT is done on other cornerstones.

Your idea of building a marriage is a worthwhile one, but it is akin to decorating a home while someone is taking a sledgehammer to the outside walls... its POINTLESS and INEFFECTIVE when affairs are taking place.

If you don't like the advice most commonly used to protect marriages from an affair I would suggest you visit other forums that do not have affairs are their primary focus. You aren't going to read much about home decorating here... this is a serious forum with third parties ACTIVELY and DELIBERATELY trying to DERAIL a marriage in secret...

No ONE HERE is grudeholding or reccomending absolute silence. We DO reccomend active and forceful precautions take place to protect the marriage from further third party damage... this is not "grudge-holding".. its common sense.

NO one is recommending OIN treat his wife like a CHILD either. I "cannot believe" you keep SKIMMING posts and have the audacity to criticize those posts that you haven't even read carefully. Before you CRITICIZE something specific you had better QUOTE it and stop using clumsy paraphrases that bypass the original intention of the author.. its rude to say the least... and misinformative to the reader. Your own comments are welcome here, but when you decide to ATTACK other's comments you risk confusing the readers... so if you DO attack someone's post - QUOTE THEM PROPERLY and DO NOT MISREPRESENT others' posts.

I apologize but this is NOT the first time you have misrepresented what I and others have posted. I am getting very frustrated with you lack of care in reading what's written.

You don't seem to have any background or understanding in the published material out there for combating infidelity in the home either.

I suggest you start to read infidelity experts like Tuppy, Harley, and Glass, THEY know how to fight affairs, and they don't do it with candy and roses.

And your comments "she may not have exercised adequate caution" is a bit timid to say the least... MAY NOT? She was seeing him in SECRET and OVERTLY LYING to her HUSBAND about it.. all you can say is "she may not have exercised adequate caution?"

And regarding "But he did not want to get romantically involved with her, so it is over"...

YOU have NO IDEA what is intentions were... or ARE. Furthermore you have no IDEA it is OVER EITHER... just because your spouse says its over does NOT IN ANY UNIVERSE mean its OVER. There are COUNTLESS posts here from spouses who "trusted" their partners when they heard "it's over" and ended up BURNED for it...

Please STOP encouraging abandoned spouses to be naeive about affairs, it is NOT CONSTRUCTIVE...you are putting marriages at RISK of further third party damage.

I have yet to see you offer advice that is in line with any of the material from published infidelity experts. The advice we offer is from people in the field if infidelity who deal with it full time every day and have done for many years.

[OfficerInNeed]

Lotus,
I hold no grudge toward my W. I understand my past actions and slander would had drove any woman into another. The fact she did get emotionally attached to the OM does now make it that much harder to reconcile with her.

I take bits and pieces of advice provided on the message board because in our situation, going any colder or becoming any more detached will cause more problems.

Ways I do not pressure or pursuit:
- say ILY
- talk about the future
- talk about our R
- say I changed or things are better so ask for another chance
- ask her to stay

I show through my actions and pleasantness I have changed and I do love her and hopefully she realizes I am not being manipulative and decides to give our R another try.

I admit that some advice has created more distance between her and I, in the past b4 all this happened I was not very affectionate and now that this is happening I am still not affectionate because of the fear of pushing her away more. Part of me wants to do it because it would be a 180 but oyher part is afraid to do so because i of the unknown of her reactions.

[marriedCrazy]

OIN, that's why you set goals first...

then monitor and record what works and what does NOT work. If you do something that pushes her away; don't do it again. If something you did, or didn't do, brings her closer or has some other positive effect; make a note to continue that behavior or action.

Everyone's sitch is different; there is no cookie cutter approach to this. But you will never know the results without effort.

[TrentC]

Before you CRITICIZE something specific you had better QUOTE it and stop using clumsy paraphrases that bypass the original intention of the author..

You mean like this?

I suggest you start to read infidelity experts like Tuppy, Harley, and Glass, THEY know how to fight affairs, and they don't do it with candy and roses.

Please quote the post from Lotus where she says that you should give candy and roses to the cheating spouse. Or is strident interpretation only reserved for people you don't agree with?

[Allen A]

I never said she did say that. i simply said that experts don't reccomend that.

It wasn't a strident interpretation, it wasn't an interpretation at all. I am implying that being NICE doens't work. A common line of thought in infidelity expert's thoughts on the subject is that being NICE will NOT make much of any dent.

I could go back and find many posts that contradict experts on teh subject not to mention MWD herself if you like, but again, my time is valuable and its best used to help those here combatting affairs, not debating strategies that are already well-researched and laid out in texts for people to read on their own time.

I would love to post the entire book of Not Just Friends on this site if I had the time, but I certainly don't.

But I will post this, an endorsement from MWD that is printed on the COVER of Not Just Friends :


So illuminating, instructive, down-to-earth,and inspiring that it truly transforms lives. Since no marriage - including yours - is immune to infidelity, this book is a God-send.


That being said, I think MORE attention should be paid to such experts in dealing with affairs. I have yet to see Lotus post one single reference from an infidelity expert...

The idea of dismissing expert opinion in favour of her own is what I consider "strident" in this case. And I wasnt' the one who opened the subject.

If you are going to attack someone's advice, its best to make sure yours at least has some credible refrence to back it up.. in this case there's none.. simply clumsy Sabre Rattling

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would love to post the entire book of Not Just Friends on this site if I had the time, but I certainly don't.

But I will post this, an endorsement from MWD that is printed on the COVER of Not Just Friends :


So illuminating, instructive, down-to-earth,and inspiring that it truly transforms lives. Since no marriage - including yours - is immune to infidelity, this book is a God-send.

Interestingly, I have it on very good authority that MWD herself is good friends with the Harleys. I don't think she would necessarily disagree with most of their concepts that have been thrown around here, so long as they are properly sourced.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She may not have exercised adequate caution, and she did get hung up on him. But he did not want to get romantically involved with her, so it is over. . . .

I cannot believe that the advice given on this board which is devoted to healing marriages is to use surveillance on spouses . . .

The one is a little hard to verify without the other, don'tchathink?

Puppy

[Lotus]

As I understand it, in this instance, the two couples held the conversation over speakerphone so that everyone heard what was said.

[TrentC]

Ah, here is an example of what Allen A is referring to:

You must take this opportunity to prove to her that you can do something you haven't been doing for some time: Meet her most important emotional needs. First, you need to discover them. What was her friend doing that she found so irresistible? He probably talked to her, showed an interest in her, was respectful and encouraging, demonstrated his care by being there for her when she needed him. And maybe, most important, he didn't criticize her or try to straighten her out.

Call her, send her flowers, tell her how much you love her, how much you miss her. Don't smother her, but let her know in no uncertain terms that you value your relationship with her.

From What to Do with an Unfaithful Wife Letter #2 by Steven W. Harley