How to approach W about OM

[OfficerInNeed]

Yeah, I am just re-reading the parts you have suggested I go back and read in your previous posts.

According to a friend who is a co-worker of both OM and my W, he said communication between the two have stopped other than that considered work related.

OMW said she would contact me if anything surfaced in the phone logs. I guess no news is good news but I plan on calling her tomorrow to see how things are going between them.

My friend did say that my W is chatting a lot with this other women who I would consider a bad influence for my wife. the other women approached my friend about somethings my W had told her and my friend said to her "All I can tell you is I know her husband, I know he loves her, listen to her but I would not give her advice."

I really don't want to get others involved here other than a professional.

If we do go to the concert, it will be a 3 1/2 to 4hr drive.

[Allen A]

Just take some music along to the concert, a book, whatnot... its HIGH RISK of a fight opening up being stuck in a car with her for 4 hours ... be VERY CAERFUL you have something to avoid conversation building up...

That's goign to be a very dangerous drive as far as your relationship goes... be very careful there.

Yup, keep calling OMW and checking up on them... just be reassuring, tell them you hope everything is going well for them etc... send some flowers to them as a couple.

Your telling others to hold off on the advice is a good choice, I am afraid though that the bad influences may not have anything good to offset them.

[TrentC]

In all seriousness, although I've never heard the highlighted part expressed before, and I do think your therapist is FOS with her advice to you. But a betrayed spouse DOES need to address their spouse's "Why are you only changing NOW, now that I've (decided to leave you/had an affair/filed for divorce/whatever)." And they need to answer it in a serious way.

The best response is a sincere "I agree, there are things I wish I would have changed before. When I ________ , I know that hurt you, and I've apologized to you already for that. All I can do is try to become a better person, and do the right thing, regardless of what happens between us, and I've decided to do that."

Or similar.

Puppy

This. And I agree with PDT in that your therapist is nuts to advocate approaching things in an antagonistic manner.

But your therapist is correct; if you make lasting, essential changes to your behavior, your relationship cannot help but change. The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca goes into this in depth, and some of the other concepts in his book should be familiar to DB'ers.

Getting Back Together by Bettie Young and Masa Goetz is another good book about what you can do to work on yourself and trying to mend your relationship.

[OfficerInNeed]

In your opinion if I ask my wife to attend a gathering of my co-workers who will be bringing their spouses would that be considered pursuit or pressure? If she says no I will go anyway if she says yes and goes could that cause further damage?

In the past I would / did not invite me W to such occasions so this us one if my many 180s

[4luv]

Are you saying that you usually didn't invite your wife in the past?

[OfficerInNeed]

Sorry I am typing from phone and I left words out while adding others.


That is correct, I DID NOT invite my W in the past.

[Allen A]

Tell her about the event, and that she is welcome to come along... do NOT ASK her to GO... THAT is pursuit

The IDEA OIN, is to leave HER with the control to chosoe or not.. without ANY influence on your part.

if you ASK someone out, there's influence on your part for them to say yes.

if you INFORM her of the event and tell her she's welcome to come along if she WANTS to, or to not go... there's no pressure.

Do not INVITE, just INFORM... there's a BIG difference, a HUGE difference for your wife..

if she has issues with you controllin her, do NOT INVITE her, just inform her about the event and tell her she's welcome to come along and leave it up to HER... ZERO PRESSURE for her to GO or to NOT GO...

[TrentC]

Tell her about the event, and that she is welcome to come along... do NOT ASK her to GO... THAT is pursuit

The IDEA OIN, is to leave HER with the control to chosoe or not.. without ANY influence on your part.

Agreed. I had a DB coach give me similar advice; if you want to do things with her, let her know what is going to happen and let her know she is welcome to go with you. If she wants to go, she can tell you, and don't let her participation affect your decision to go.

[Allen A]

Lets look at it this way OIN

Have you ever fed a wild animal in a park like a squirrel or a chipmunk?

They RARELY if ever accept something from your hand...

If put the gift OUT there, they will likley pick it up and scurry off with it, but if you try to PRESS them to take it by walking towoards them or by trying to bait them into taking it from your hand, they will likely run away.. or at the very least decline the offer.

Your wife is that wild animal right now... put the gift out there, but let HER decide if she wants it...

Make yourself dinner and make extra, let her know its there and leave her alone... If she takes it, that's great, but don't offer to make it for her, don't prepare the meal and hand it to her or anything... just make it and leave HER to PURSUE it

Yes, she may accept it, but you are still applying PRESSURE.. what you are trying to DO here is to create a BUFFER of space so SHE can come to YOU...

If you SMOTHER HER and are hanging at her heels, she won't pursue you, she will have no inclination to be curious or to explore what you are about or anything...

You need to give her the space so SHE can come to YOU...

got it?

[OfficerInNeed]

Understood. Makes sense. I will not make an offer to do something or go somewhere but rather say I am going to do something or go somewhere and say to her she is welcome to join