Starting Over (Again)

[Cautious]

Oh crud. Help!

What do I do when I call S5 later and ExCautious wants to know why I didn't answer his ? today? Do I tell him I thought he could handle the question himself or do I just say that I was busy? Do I lie and say I never saw the messages or got the call?

Here's what I'm considering: Listen to him ask "Why didn't you return my call?" and respond "Well, what did you decide?" and avoid the question altogether. But that seems passive agressive.

[g450]

I think that's a personal decision you would have to make based on your own level of self control.

I have read many times on this board that if your not sure about what to do then do not do anything at all until your ready. That way you makes less mistakes out of angst. Sleep on it if you have to.

My understanding is that you are doing exactly what I am doing with my X. Gone grey. If so I would not block the number but I am strong enough to at least act like I am detached. So that would be your judgement call.

Oddly enough I have not heard from or seen my XW for almost a month and she calls me out of the blue today for something she really needed to call our (grown) Son about. Most likely she simply wanted me to help her with a problem since our Son is hard to get ahold of. She can figure this one out herself. I am no longer her husband by her choice.

Your sitch is different though since you have a young child. I personally would make my child priority regardless and not block calls at all. That's just me.

As to what your H is thinking...who knows. But it sounds like he is using your child as a reason to contact you. Wouldn't that be a good thing? Sorry if im off base. Havent been to your thread in a while. I guess I have to ask again, what is your goal in going grey?

Mine are pretty simple.

1)Help me detach from her and lesson the impact of the pain of divorce on me.

2)Show her I can live without her but still care for her.

3)Leave an open door for her but let her understand that I will not put my life on hold for her and that this open door is not permament, nor eclusive only to her.

4)Show her I have grown, improved, matured and learned from my mistakes. Not for her but for me. But she and others can benefit from those changes if they so choose.

It's her decision to make or to ignore. Either way my life will go on for the better. And I think this should apply to your H as well.

[Cautious]

I agree with everything you said, g450, just see it slightly different because of my own obsessive, needy, and generally anti-DBing behavior previously. He's doing exactly what I did, and I'm relishing in it, perhaps too much. Now the shoe is on the other foot and he's the needy one.

My goals... well I'm still fence sitting, overall, with the hopefulness that he will realize how much he loves me. Not that the changes aren't for me, but always optimistic that the changes will open his eyes to what I see is already there.

Here's the phone thing: Keeping him blocked means I won't answer the phone. Period. He can leave a message and it will teach me to think before I speak (as I have NEVER had much practice at that and often interupt speakers. I'm a terrible listener). That works on the days that ExCautious doesn't have S5. However, when he DOES, S5 can't call me, technically. Then again, S5 knows how to leave a message, since ExCautious refused to take calls from my number for a long time also. In addition, I don't know when the call comes in who will be on that line. Am I in for an ambush or a pleasant chat with my son? I know ExCautious is getting angry and he's going to blow up at any moment. I just still haven't figured out how to navigate that minefield because, previously, I WAS the minefield. And he managed to trip a few bombs himself, so I'm not learning much from his behavior.

I definitely used S5 to contact ExCautious before. However, (though not a good excuse) I had no idea how to handle childcare without ExCautious. We had always traded shifts, and I allowed him to be Commander In Charge Of Discipline. Suddenly, I had to be both parents and I got lost figuring the whole thing out. So it wouldn't surprise me if ExCautious was doing the same. We have a lot in common

All in all, I appriciate your feedback. I'm trying to do what's right for me, given my mishaps of the past and my goals for the future, but I feel like every now and then, the footholds are giving out.

[Quart9]

It has to be very tough for you to maintain NC when your S5 is involved. How often does your S5 call you when he is with your EH? I think it would be best for you to leave his number blocked no matter if S5 is with him or not. Will S5 really be that bummed if he has to leave you a V/M?

You have to seriously stop with the hugs/affection too. Does your EH deserve your affection? Didn't he want the D? And if it is raining he should go in the house not get in the car with you. You have to have more respect for yourself and he has to miss you in order for what you are trying to accomplish to work.

It sounds like you are doing good in your GAL'ing and I think putting your daily goals out there like that is a good idea- I might try that.

Go get that pedicure - you deserve it!

[Cautious]

I'm both getting excited and irritated at the same time. NC is hard because it is the exact opposite of what I've done in the past. But it's working, and that's exciting.

Just got a text: "You alive?" I'm tempted to squeal.

[Cautious]

My emotions sure move quickly. I'm on to guilt over making ExCautious have to feel pain.

[Quart9]

Thanks for stopping by my thread! I think you give great advice in the posts you make. You made a post in my old thread once that really made me think. Thanks for that!

I thought you were kidding about the "Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)" but I looked it up and its real. I think I have that too? And you know another good source of vitamin D - pickled herring - delish! J/K!

Have a good evening at work and don't let those co-wokers bug you. You know they probably just don't want to be there either.

And why do you feel guilty about making him feel a little discomfort in your not being available to him? I say again, did you want the D? Didn't he cause you pain by splitting up y'alls family/leaving you? Be strong!

[Cautious]

Think if bitter co-worker asks, I'll just say "You know, I really don't want to talk about that right now." and leave it at that. I'm too moody today and I might say something I regret otherwise.

[Quart9]

Hey, I read in some of your first post that your were seeing an IC to evaluate some of your anger issues. Have you been able to work those out?

[Cautious]

Yes, sir. My anger issues were all about control. IC didn't help me discover that, I helped me discover that.

Took some deep thinking into my past, present, and future to see that I had control issues, who taught them to me, and why I did the things I did. Not easy to choke down an elixer of self-hate, but it had to be done. I need to know where my mistakes were, and in the beginning I was focusing on ExCautious's mistakes. Took me a year and a half (and a D) to start taking stock of my own blame.