Oh yeah, she told me she ended it with OM. I told her it was the right thing to do, not for us, but for her and for OM's children. I believe her, but before I let her back I'd ask to hear it from OM and OMW.
Surprisingly, she asked me if I really thought things could work out between us. I told her she knows my feelings on it, but I would no longer be the only one with my whole heart in it. If she wanted to try again I needed her full heart, open communication, and I needed to be able to trust her. I told her she needed to take the first step.She hesitated, then told me she thought she had to let me go. I accepted this calmly since it's what I expected from the start. But to know that she has doubts shook ME, though I don't think I showed it too much.
We talked about her moving out this weekend. I told her she could take anything that was "hers," but anything that was "ours" we needed to discuss. She doesn't even have a bed to sleep on, and she's moving into a dingy little apartment with a one year lease because it's the only thing she could find that allowed pets. We're sharing the dogs, which is okay because it will free me up to get out of town if I want to. We discussed coming up with a schedule for them.
She looked tired and sad, and I just wanted to hold her and kiss her, but I held myself back. I didn't touch her when she left. I wanted so badly to call her last night and I want to e-mail her right now telling her not to sign the lease, but that feels like pursuing her. If she chooses to come home it will have to be her decision.Best case scenario, she calls today and asks to come back. I'll honestly have to think about it, and only with the above conditions. Worst case scenario, I got my self respect back last night. If she doesn't love me anymore at least she'll respect me.
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Thoughts on e-mailing her asking her not to sign the lease for another week? My heart tells me to do it, my brain tells me not to.
Your position has been stated. She knows the conditions and your decision on how you will be treated going forward. Don't undo it by pursuing or pressuring.
"Patience is the companion of wisdom." - St Augustine.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks Coach & maynard - I know the right thing to do, and I won't contact her. It's just hard to not reach out to someone I love when I see them hurting. But it's 4th and goal, and I can't take a step back now.
Jeez maynard, like 9/11 wasn't a bad enough day already. Mine dropped the bomb on 1/27. Worst. Day. Ever. One of my best friends died on 1/17 too. Pretty crappy year, all told. Bad news seems to come in threes, what's next?
You handled yourself EXTREMELY well, under some obviously very difficult circumstances. Seriously, you need to tip a glass to yourself tonite, at a job-well-done. That was tough, for sure, and it's even tougher to "stuff" your natural instincts, and instead do what you know MUST be done, tactically.
btw, I don't believe her for a skinny minute that she broke things off with OM. She's either lying to you, or HE dumped HER (both very much "script"). I think you will find that their relationship will resurface again, after some socially-more-acceptable length of time.
Oh yeah, she told me she ended it with OM. I told her it was the right thing to do, not for us, but for her and for OM's children. I believe her, but before I let her back I'd ask to hear it from OM and OMW.
Next time she says this to you (and she will, trust me), say something like "Well, I wish I could believe that. You've lied to me so much already."
Not sure why you believe her, but you did land a pretty good truth dart there about OM's children.
I do believe her, but it's irrelevant. IF she were to come back I'd need concrete proof, but attacking her on it right now won't help anything. Talking to her last night I felt like I was talking to the person I knew for the first time in over a month, not the person she's trying to invent for herself. IF she comes back I'll ask for full disclosure, ask to hear it from all parties that it's over, and demand full access to all accounts. Despite the fact that I DO believe they haven't slept together, I'd also demand an STD test. But this is all moot right now. No reason to bring it up and throw a wrench into things.
Maynard - have a happy bday. I'll tip one back to you tomorrow night!
I do believe her, but it's irrelevant. IF she were to come back I'd need concrete proof, but attacking her on it right now won't help anything. Talking to her last night I felt like I was talking to the person I knew for the first time in over a month, not the person she's trying to invent for herself. IF she comes back I'll ask for full disclosure, ask to hear it from all parties that it's over, and demand full access to all accounts. Despite the fact that I DO believe they haven't slept together, I'd also demand an STD test. But this is all moot right now. No reason to bring it up and throw a wrench into things.
Broken,
Why are you so apt to believe her, when she's done thing to earn that trust? "Faith" is one thing; "naivete" is quite another.
I agree, it's no time to "attack" her, nor was I advocating it. I think you could leave off my last part, and just say an "I really wish I could believe that," and I there is a REASON why I think this is important.
It's imperative for a formerly cheating spouse to know that REBUILDING TRUST is going to be a necessary part of any reconciliation. I don't suggest you "play offense" on this subject, but I would certainly recommend that anytime SHE brings up either "I'm no longer with OM" or even the subject of her truthfulness, that you say something like "I wish I could believe that," or "It saddens me that I have a hard time believing that, considering." Or some such.
Giving them a "pass" on their deceit doesn't do you OR them any good, IMHO.
This is the tone I will take if and when it comes to that. First she has to want to come back. Then we'll deal with trust. Believe me, if it comes to that I'll be back for advice! And as I said, if it never comes to that I am ready to move on with my life without her in it, faster than she'll believe possible!
