My detatching is getting very hateful. And there's a lot of anger brewing that I need to set aside for now until he's ready to talk about the R. So I'm going to vent a bit tonight.
Today went fairly well. Goal number 3 was half accomplished: I gave myself a manicure. At an unusual time, 9:30 this morning. You see, I had a field trip with class and our tradition is to go to the trip then meet up at the bar to discuss and let loose. The downside is we usually have school the next day, as is the case today.
Didn't call or text Ex, though the anger building up inside and the isolation here at home is making me want to, if just to scream "you're a great big jerk for x, y, and z" to him. No guitar today, I'm exausted.
Goal 2 definitely went well. Had some girl time with schoolmate M on the drive to the field trip. Aired some grievances about Ex, listened to her grievances about schoolmate P, who is completely smitten by her enough to be used as a rebound for M's former boyfriend. Gave some advice (loving that!). Field trip was just okay. Decided it's not a place I'd like to work, but definitely interesting, none the less. (I should mention here that my future goal is to be an instructor at my current school, and that I invest myself into my schoolmates successes) Made sure everyone had a good question to ask to get their face time in with the "manager" of the company. Then we hit the bar. Some of my schoolmates were already there (we divided our field trip up), and already near the floor.
Had some juvenile fun with Schoolmate S (most of my schoolmates ages are 18-24, so it comes with the territory what I'm about to share) by borrowing 75 cents to go to the bathroom to buy a Pee-Wee brand barrier contraceptive. I'll pause while you all let that sink in At some point it was opened and passed around - we had a lot of laughs. I had the BEST burger I've had in a long time, then it was time for some pool. I won the first one for our team, and subsequently lost the second for our team. I quit somewhere in the third and called it a night (er, afternoon). We're a very close group - going to make it excellent for networking purposes after we all graduate. And, of course, they all call me "Mom" because I always talk them out of things I think might be disadvantages in the long run.
Counseled a little in there, which made it a little more exhausting. Sometimes I just care too much and haven't really figured out my limit on empathy just yet.
Spent some quality time with S5 after his school let out. Had a talk about responsibility before leisure. Didn't go so well. Will try again later.
He's playing the wii now and getting tired. All in all, a pretty good day, soon as I can get the Ex's recent flippant attitude out of my mind.
Just wish he'd make more of an effort with his son when it's NOT his day with him - such as when he's so dehydrated I had to take him to the hospital after having the flu. That one is really burning my butt right now, especially since S5 is showing flu-like symptoms again this evening.
Goals for tomorrow: 1. Have to see Ex at exchange, it's his weekend. So polite, short conversations (POLITE, POLITE, POLITE!!). Refuse invitations to spend "family" time together over the weekend - legit excuse: Too busy. Not for his info: work and playing my guitar will barely take up 15% of my weekend, but it still has to be done. 2. Call S5 at 8 Fri and Sat nights to discuss his day before he goes to bed. Avoid ANY contact other than phone transfer requests with the Ex. 3. Find some other things to do this weekend before S5 returns Sunday.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
Tonight in all my fuming and anger, a little inspiration: I'm doing 180's without even knowing I'm doing them. High five, Cautious! When it's unconcious at least I know I'm TRULY doing them for me and not for him.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
You know what's hillarious? Ex is probably horribly confused by my behavior right now. Here's somewhat of how I imagine his internal dialogue: "I got rid of OW, so why is she being so distant NOW? Maybe her worst fear really WAS having S5 around OW." Hey, it's true, at least. I can handle him dating. Not very well, mind you, but I can handle it. And it's almost sick to admit it, but I know he's not over me completely and that will ruin that relationship and just bring him closer to me. I've said for a long time to my BFF that he NEEDS to date, to figure out how hard it is to have a R with someone else, and realize the least common denominator in hard R's is HIM, not me. That would set our reconcilliation back by some years, but I've got nothing but time.
I refuse to put my son in that position of "Who do I call Mommy and Daddy?" at this point in his life. He's 5 and suffers from anxiety issues, no need to put more pressure on him. Therefore, I will not be dating (anyone but my Ex) until he's much older. Besides, then I have more money to spend on ME!
Keep being confused by me, ExCautious. It's good for you.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
Okay, so a small recap of today and then bed. I am just too tired tonight to set goals or anything else.
School stuff, awkward after school gathering. No fun. Took S5 to Ex's for the weekend. Ex asked to step inside the car for a minute to get out of the rain. Tried initiating conversation, I resisted.
Possible backslide?: Ex asked why I seemed angry (I wasn't trying to seem angry, but an ambush is going to make me anxious). Asked if I was angry with him, I responded "I am beyond angry with you" He responded "Okay."
Just okay. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't even know whether to chalk that up as moving forward or moving back. The scoreboard is totally confused right now. I know I shouldn't be keeping score or whatnot, but I need to gauge my progress somehow.
So I just let it drop, promised to call S5 at 8 and left. Yay, way to go? I'm still not sure.
BFF's birthday was today, so we went out to dinner then to the casino. Called S5 as promised, Ex avoided all conversation with me. This bothered me in a way, but I need to let it go too. Played penny slots for a couple hours and decided to leave. Now here I am, lost and confused about Ex. Am I getting under that skin or did I mess up again?
Time for sleep, set more goals tomorrow.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
You see, my Ex is currently texting me about a haircut for my son. Refuses to call. I told him last night I didn't want to talk to him, so he's texting the crap out of me.
So I'm refusing to answer. Whatever he needs to say or ask can wait until he's willing to ask me personally - he has my number.
Besides I don't know if I can control my feelings over his crap today. Had a dream last night he took my son to a party where he was doing a wide variety of drugs in front of my son. All of my dreams tend to have some basis in reality, so I'm waiting to see exactly what this is representing (when I dreamed Ex was telling me he was leaving me for another woman he was starting to see OW, when I dreamed my friend R's girlfriend came to live with me for a few days because they had broken up - well, three months later that girlfriend just sent me a text last night asking me to tell all the girls at school to get rid of his number). I'm really anxious, so please save your opinions about dreamology... everyone has something they believe in that's a little wacky.
My PMA is down today, I'm just going to hang out at home, then try to stay out of the way at work.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
Here's a question for you guys (and sorry for talking so much here, I just need all the support I can get): Should I unblock my Ex's number?
I'll explain as best I can: On my phone I have the opportunity to block numbers. When I do, the phone does NOT ring when the blocked number calls, simply goes straight to vm. Later, when I pick up the phone and look, it will state "Missed call from [blocked number]". I decided to block Ex's number because I did not feel strong enough not to pick up the phone when he called. But I don't want to miss a call from my son who would call from his number also over the course of this weekend. Then with ex asking via text message about son, I wonder if I should pick up when he calls? Am I strong enough for that yet? For now, I'm ignoring ex's call, but what does it matter if he cuts S5's hair or not? Do I really need to be consulted on that?
Thoughts, advice, support?
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
He called about an hour ago. Good thing I took him off reject, I've been checking my phone every few minutes. The only way to stay focused is to be a little mean and evil, so I am apologizing in advance for this: I'm imagining that he's been checking his phone every few minutes for any sign that I've called all day today too. Internal dialogue: What's up with this? She can't even answer a simple text message? I'll send another. No response, huh? What could she possibly be doing? I'll try calling. Voicemail. I wasn't ready for this, I won't leave a message. No return call. (anger sets in) SHE COULD AT LEAST CALL ME AND TELL ME IF I SHOULD CUT S5'S HAIR!
My response: Really, ExCautious? You really neeed me to tell you to cut your own son's hair? Is it going to make a huge difference in the grand scheme of things? I mean, as long as you're not hacking it with a chainsaw yourself, what does it matter? He needs a haircut. Be a man... no scratch that, be a FATHER and do it. End of story.
That was cathargic. And better than having that conversation in real life.
So, what I've learned from this is that I have silver plattered everything, and now he's freaking out because I'm refusing to continue. I always kept him informed of what was going on at S5's school when I spent $20 making copies of all the calendars, routines, etc. the school sent home in the first place. I never made him even look this stuff up, just reminded him constantly. Now I have to let him fail on his own. Boy is that hard! I always invited him to spend family time with S5 and I, and allowed him to be affectionate with me for that duration, just to kick me back to the curb once he was "full". Now he's going to truly understand lonliness. Sure, it's a little vengeful - I want him to pay for the insults he laid onto me a week ago, the forclosure he put on MY record, the car he got reposessed, the material items (that, mind you, I miss but am doing fine without) that he left in the foreclosed property and I will never see again (wedding dress included). I want him to come to me in a place of remorse, beg for me back the same as I did, just so I can say "No." the same way he did, with the same cold look. Okay, maybe not that far. But I will take my sweet time when/if he comes crawling back. It's not going to be easy anymore, not for ExCautious.
The hardest part, I think, is that I REALLY want to see him, feel his hugs, etc. And before I was willing to sacrifice myself in order to have part of him every time he asked me to go out somewhere with him. I never said no. Now, I have to say no. At least the first time, I absolutely HAVE to. The second time, I get to choose if I want to join in the activity or not. I'm totally looking forward to the second request!
Wish me luck!
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
At some point it was opened and passed around - we had a lot of laughs. I had the BEST burger I've had in a long time, then it was time for some pool. I won the first one for our team, and subsequently lost the second for our team. I quit somewhere in the third and called it a night (er, afternoon). We're a very close group - going to make it excellent for networking purposes after we all graduate. And, of course, they all call me "Mom" because I always talk them out of things I think might be disadvantages in the long run.