I just got the "Will you be home tonight? We need to talk." I'm guessing this is the discussion about splitting stuff up so she can get her apartment and move on with her new fantasy life, and sharing custody of the dogs.
Thanks to everyone on this board for your help. Your advice and support has put me in a much better place so that I will be able to handle this conversation rationally, knowing that I'm already in a better place than when she left.
Don't commit to anything. As I told someone else just recently:
Quote:
Here's the thing: if someone is in an ongoing, unrepentant affair, there are only a few types of conversations/communications they can have with their betrayed spouse, and ALL of them are cheeseless tunnels for the BS:
2) Seemingly POSITIVE ones. So long as they are still in contact with OM/OW and lying to their spouse about it, these are all "bullchit spin" at best, and outright GASLIGHTING and LIES at worse. And the problem is, the betrayed spouse inevitably sees this as "baby steps!" and true marital progress, when they are no such thing. They can lead to horrible strategic and tactical mistakes, esp. if the BS doesn't have a good intel system in place. Reading my old journal yesterday, I was BLOWN AWAY at how stable I was able to be in the face of my wife's deceit, simply because I HAD INTEL TO SHOW ME OTHERWISE. This can't be overemphasized.
3) LEGAL/FINANCIAL ones. These are best handled by your attorney, for the obvious reasons. If you start negotiating yourself, when you are way, way, WAY too emotionally entrenched in the situation (and also often running on too-little sleep and WAY too-little emotional needs of your own being met), YOU WILL MAKE FOOLISH MISTAKES and UNWISE CONCESSIONS.
4) FAMILY/LOGISTICAL ones. These are fine, but best handled via e-mail or text message. A cheating spouse will use these as a ploy to lure you into R convos and worse; SEE #1 ABOVE.
5) SMALL-TALK. This is fine, but only in RESPONSE -- don't initiate it if your strategy is to go "dim" and if it's to go "dark" you shouldn't even respond. If it's "dim," then only respond to one of every several communications, and usually delayed, because you're BUSY and GETTING A LIFE, remember?
Puppy
Personally (and I know this is tough, because your gut's in a knot and you're dying to put this convo behind you), I would have liked to see you respond "Actually, I had plans tonite, and am going to be home kinda late. How about tomorrow afternoon, maybe we can meet for coffee?"
I appreciate what you're saying Puppy, but I feel like ripping the bandaid off and getting it over with. I'm not Divorce Busting anymore, I'm moving on. Gut's not even in a knot, but yes, ready to put this behind me to get on with life.
This is where you can focus on your life, make you happy again, reclaim that individuality and find that great person inside of you.
No more anger, no more resentment, just be happy.
I know it sounds tough, much harder to do than say it but when you get there, you will notice that not being attached to the outcome actually makes it easier for you to achieve whatever outcome you want to achieve.
Missed the first part of your post, Puppy. I won't commit to anything, but she is entitled to some stuff. I think I'll let her take the OLD dinnerware we recently replaced, and maybe the lumpy spare bed. :P
I'm getting there faster than I anticipated. Financial concerns are my biggest worry right now, not staying close to my wife. No real anger or resentment, just a general sadness of what was lost, but nowhere near as bad as just one week ago. Thinking about our early years together when we were so much in love especially hurts, but realizing that I can have that again with someone else helps it fade.
Missed the first part of your post, Puppy. I won't commit to anything, but she is entitled to some stuff. I think I'll let her take the OLD dinnerware we recently replaced, and maybe the lumpy spare bed. :P
LOL. Gotcha.
Seriously, just say "I hear you. I promise, I will give this all careful consideration, and we'll talk again soon."
So W came over last night. (I was a little bit late getting home, legitimately busy at work.) She asked if she could sit by me on the couch, I said she should sit apart from me on the chair. She said she has a lease, but is hesitant to sign it because it seems too final. I told her it was her choice, not mine.
I told her I could no longer be her best friend after she lied to me, cheated on me, and walked out on me when I needed her most. I would no longer implicitly condone her actions by remaining her friend after she left me for another man. When she walked out of our marriage, she walked out on her best friend. I cancelled our "friend dates" for this month. This visibly shook her.
Surprisingly, she asked me if I really thought things could work out between us. I told her she knows my feelings on it, but I would no longer be the only one with my whole heart in it. If she wanted to try again I needed her full heart, open communication, and I needed to be able to trust her. I told her she needed to take the first step. She hesitated, then told me she thought she had to let me go. I accepted this calmly since it's what I expected from the start. But to know that she has doubts shook ME, though I don't think I showed it too much.
We talked about her moving out this weekend. I told her she could take anything that was "hers," but anything that was "ours" we needed to discuss. She doesn't even have a bed to sleep on, and she's moving into a dingy little apartment with a one year lease because it's the only thing she could find that allowed pets. We're sharing the dogs, which is okay because it will free me up to get out of town if I want to. We discussed coming up with a schedule for them.
She looked tired and sad, and I just wanted to hold her and kiss her, but I held myself back. I didn't touch her when she left. I wanted so badly to call her last night and I want to e-mail her right now telling her not to sign the lease, but that feels like pursuing her. If she chooses to come home it will have to be her decision.
Best case scenario, she calls today and asks to come back. I'll honestly have to think about it, and only with the above conditions. Worst case scenario, I got my self respect back last night. If she doesn't love me anymore at least she'll respect me.
Thoughts on e-mailing her asking her not to sign the lease for another week? My heart tells me to do it, my brain tells me not to.
