I do see very similar story lines. The waking up every morning at the exact same time, except for me it was 3:00, like I'd set an alarm. I'd go to bed optimistic, and wake up every AM having a nightmare about her leaving. I also lost 35 lbs in 45 days, still not exactly down to my ideal weight but making progress. I'm finally back to where I can actually eat three meals a day, but I'm eating healthy. I started smoking too much again, but that's tapering off and I intend to fully quit by April 1st. I did lose my temper several times with her, screaming and calling her terrible names. I regret the intentionally trying to hurt her, but I don't regret releasing the hurt and anger.
I've been seeing friends, including old & new female acquaintances, and not responding to emails/texts. I intend to be faithful to my marriage as long as it lasts, if only on paper. This is for my own soul if nothing else. But that doesn't mean I'm not moving on with my life. I'll date if it comes up, but I'll be fully up front about my situation. Wife and I agreed to a separation, no talk of divorce for now. I'll let her incur that cost, it was her idea to cheat and walk away. That said, I do intend to protect myself in any impending settlement.
Taking control of my life really started this week (it's only been 12 days since she moved out). With help from friends and family (and those on this board!) I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am fully willing to give my marriage another shot, but it has to be a two way street. I know exactly what mistakes I made in our relationship, and I intend to fix them, whether for myself, my current marriage, or for a future relationship. If she comes back, there will be full disclosure on both of our parts before she's allowed back in the house. There will also be a demand for two-way communication. At this point I have little hope of her actually coming home, so it may be a moot point. Right now I am moving on as if she will not.
Broken, I have nothing to add - You have gotten amazing advice here!!
Bravo to you for LISTENING and IMPLEMENTING so quickly. I read so many posts where the guys get great advice and keep whining about how they are different and it doesn't apply to them...
Kudo's to you!!!
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
My friend. Follow the path of tough love. She may never love you again. But she will respect you. Some pains must be experienced fully to give yourself the gift of growth. Soon your thoughts will shift from I am doing this for her to I am doing this for myself.
Healthy choices and Why not try to quit smoking now. Because NOW is always the best time to make healthy decisions. You already feel like a bag of Sheeeeiitttttt. Just add a little more to it.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
LOL, now I'm getting advice on quitting smoking! Believe me, it's coming. Right now it's a crutch to get me through, I plan to quit cold turkey by April 1st at the latest.
I wrote her the "dear wife" letter yesterday, but I haven't delivered it. If nothing else it helped get my thoughts in order. I wrote, "You lied to me, you cheated on me, and you left me when I needed you most. These are not the actions of a friend. I can no longer implicitly condone your actions by remaining your friend. You walked out on our friendship for the love and friendship of another man." Etc.
Again, probably won't deliver the actual letter, but it helped get my ducks in a row. For now just giving her the silent treatment. She e-mails me something interesting, I e-mail her back I changed the checking accounts. She texts me about the dogs, I text her back I want my sunglasses out of her car. I think she's still planning on seeing me at the events we planned this weekend and next. I'm not cancelling, but I'm not going. When she calls to see if I'm "okay" I'll give her the speech.
Best not to give her that one. Best to keep dark right now. And take that letter and file it away, burn it , rip it up... what ever. Thats a gift for yourself. Relief.
Do not give her that letter.
Stop replying to her emails. If its not important. Ignore. She is not your friend or buddy. You already have them.
Keep to the high road. It pays dividends in the end.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Broken, FWIW... I have an entire notebook of "letters" written to H. Every time I wanted to say things I knew would be against my goals - I wrote them out. It made me feel better to express them, and I didn't do any damage. I have been able to look back and see my progress with my PMA.
Not sure if that would help you... but its kept me from saying things that won't help!
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
Good advice. I won't send the letter, but it did help me to get my thoughts in order, and like talia says will keep me from saying something I'll regret.
Believe me, it's coming. Right now it's a crutch to get me through, I plan to quit cold turkey by April 1st at the latest.