Will I ever be forgiven???

[dday101798]

If a reconciliation were to occur, I believe that both partners need to acknowledge their part in the breakdown of the M. I just don't see how it could work if this didn't happen.

And again, you are spot on. And again, like I said with mine, when that acknowledgement comes, it HAS TO BE WITHOUT accusation of the other spouse. IE- "I wouldn't have done this if you hadn't of done that" type stuff.

[dday101798]

She makes small talk as though we are friends (tells me what is going on in her life, not sure why), but nothing really more.

My (x)W did the very same after the D and we were able to maintain that "friend" level until about mid July. Then she blew up again and we didn't talk to each other about anything at all other than kid issues (and not even then really) all the way til end of November.

[AtTheEnd?]

What happened at the end of Nov? What prompted the change, or was she just ready at that time?

My WAW isn't in another relationship, she's in the house (I'm out at her request), and I've been doing a good job at GALing. We've been separated since Nov, and she really started being nice since Valentine's Day (sent flowers to her work). Then again, she's been going out and doing her own thing too. The last R talk we had was a month and half ago, she said her feelings haven't changed, that it's been nearly a year since this started. I told her that I wouldn't stand in her way of D, but she said nothing.

Just wondering what the next stage is, or how this progresses, or if it does. I've looked for similarities on this board, but most of the situations are in a very desperate stage (very unfortunate). I was also in a desperate stage at one time, she couldn't wait for the divorce, then I got a job, was improving mentally, found this board, and then the divorce slowed down (well stopped for now). We've been at this stage since Nov (at the time asked to wait until the holidays were over before proceeding, just trying to delay). She never picked it up again.

Jan was very cold, probably backlash from a good holiday season. Feb was also cold until Valentine's Day. She started reading a book I bought for her last Oct, and she's also reading lots of magazine articles (looking at both D and M, and well, how to get great abs). She started working out again, but not as vigorously as when she was in an online/phone EA, when she worked out religiously.

She used to listen to nothing but songs about breaking up, leaving a loved one, but now not so much, or at least as I can tell. She would play those songs whenever I was over there, but not any more.

How did your wife approach you? How did you get to where you are? How does this typically progress?

[TrentC]

He is in a much better place now with a woman that (from what I have heard) is a great person. for that i am grateful.

Let me just say, as a LBS, that I am happy that you had your "awakening". I hope that means you will be able to heal yourself, even if it is too late for your former marriage.

In your XH's place, I would have a hard time offering forgiveness if you are still with the man that you left me for; it would feel like giving that relationship my blessing.

[dday101798]

Well, first of all, sorry Mom of 2 Cherubs for the unintended hi-jacking of your thread, although the subject matter is somewhat relavent.

Secondly, although there's a "typical" script to how all our situations unfold and we find ourselves here, progression out of it, per sea is a case by case basis it seems.

I can't tell you what will or will not happen next for you.

If anyone would have asked me even a year ago today if I would have thought this morning I'd be waking up next to my now ex-wife, I'm certain I would have said not a snowballs' chance in hell. She "hated me", OM "was the one for her", "it's over".

That was her attitude 95% of the time. I was the biggest inconvenience and mistake she ever made in her life. Everything wrong in our marriage was solely all my fault much as all reason why it could not be fixed. Or so it seemed. Then again, the WAS script.

The other 5% of the time, she "was sorry", she "wanted to be my friend with hopes to perhaps work toward something (fall back in love together) later on." That 5% of the time would surface every 4 months it seemed.

In July, after the divorce went through the month prior, she made the final attempt at that 5% again. Started recouping random items from the house for me. Again, just being friendly, but with OM. This time tho when 5% time ran up, I wasn't having it anymore. I refused to be the sole blame for everything, and I refused to bicker and qualm about it any further, it was after all OVER.

So, here's where the differences will start piling in.

We hadn't lived together, at all since 8/08. We collectively lost EVERYTHING. The kids slowly came to grips with the situation and decoded her lies the more people began to talk freely of things. They faultered in school and their personal social lives, all the while the cherished every moment of the 72 hours a month they got to spend with me, their father.

I became striclty 'by the book'. I also finally just moved on with my life and stopped looking over my shoulder to make sure she was ok. Essentually, I became the WAS.

Her family as well decoded her and all but abolished holiday gatherings, period, across the board.

In November, Thanksgiving, I was more by the book than ever and well, cold with her. By this time tho, a month had past since our anniversary falling on it's exact day for the second year in a row. She claimed to have reached her moment of clarity on or about that day 10/17/09.

On Thanksgiving, the holidays went full tilt when she dropped the boys off by me. Missed my family, wanted to say hi and all, but did not take up the opportunity. I saw this upset her deeply. She also claimed to not be with OM anymore which struck me as curious why she'd even say so (yet he's the one that drove her out by me to drop off the kids). "But we need to talk"

For the next week our 'friendship' improved with random texts and small talk. Until one night she caught me on the way out the door. I actually was going by myself to a concert after everybody else blew me off (didn't tell her that), and she asked to go. I said sure why not. She thought I was joking. Until I called her when I was 10 minutes from her house to pick her up.

We ended up going. Sat down and talked, about everything. It was THAT talk. The remorse, regret and apology talk. Both sides taking turn, and both sides releaving tons of pressure from their own chests. And most of all, no blaming. No finger ponting except for at our selves.

We were there all night long, litteraly, talking, taking a break to digest it, listened to some music, then talked some more. When it was all said and done, she had that fire in her eyes, that pulse that she never lost during those 5% of the time and I went for broke and kissed her.

Every thread I have on here refers to that look at some point as I couldn't figure out in the thick of things what to do with.

Shortly there after, here we are, putting our lives back together now that the rest is all behind us. We're respectful to one another and we communicate better than ever as we know what will happen when we don't and neither of us want to go through it again.

Now, I'm not saying that other situations will turn out the same, hell maybe in another year from today we might not even be together, you just don't know. You should, but unfortunately not. But I do think so long as all the blame games stop and repsonsibility owned up to, a far more amicable level of friendship can be had.

[neversaydie63]

Hey dday -- wow, was just reading this thread and it’s really, very interesting (in a good way) for you.

Lots of similarities in my situation with lots of posters here on this thread.

Good luck in the future --- you give us all some hope (even when things seem hopeless!)

NSD

[dday101798]

Well thanks, but again, it's not my thread, sorry "Mom".

I guess to clarify and answer the question a little more bluntly:

When my (x)W and I sat down for THAT "talk", she said everything I needed to hear. Not the sappy "I love you" stuff, the hard core nitty gritty THIS is WHY I did what what I did, what I felt, how I thought, (basicly, everything a LBS wanted to know why their spouse became a WAS). Plainly, This is why I felt there was no other option and why I walked away, no sugar coating, no blaming.

[AtTheEnd?]

What brings them out of the blame stage? My WAS still exhibits a small degree of resentment and anger, but I believe she is digging a little bit for answers. It goes back and forth, like a rubber band, good sometimes, resentful others.

[dday101798]

Simply, she couldn't handle it anymore. No-one else was believing the lies anymore and she certainly could not continue to lie and re-write history to herself, hence self-validation. Everything wrong with the M was all said and done, laid to rest. But she still couldn't stop thinking about it and it was driving her insane, with a need to face her demons.

I guess I should stress again, that 'look', the gleam in her eyes that even through the A, when we could get a long for a day or so, was there. We still felt each other in that repsect. And NEVER once did I get the "I love you but I'm not in love with you speech", quite the contrary.

Collectively, we caused each other a great deal pain over the years. It just turned in to a stabbing fest as she put it to see who could out-do the other, obviously, she won.

EDIT- And in re-reading the first paragraph of this post, I can only imagine the pain she felt when her own children at such young ages scorned her to quit lying.

[dday101798]

I guess in all fairness, look at this way:

A LBS lies to him/herself and anyone involved for a duration of time. To defend themselves, to think: "how could my spouse do this to me, I did NOTHING wrong". When in time, the LBS comes to find that they most certainly DID have their hand in everything.

Conversly, and obviously over a much larger span of time due to the severity of their actions, a WAS will do the same. But until that clarity comes, the LBS will always be 100% (or as close to) in the wrong.

Hindsight, everybody is in a "fog" of their own. No?