2 years later it's still not getting easier

[jasper67]

I am desperately trying to not relive my current R over again. And that is why I'm dead set on addressing the issues...sadly, it is not all up to me. I do fear that W will no doubt relive it, but I cannot mindread, nor predict the future. I too believe that a R should not end and that when they do, it is one party being unwilling to address the issues.

Very very sad.

[whitneypinch]

I agree 100%.
I have seen it with my friends that have divorced and remarried.
They ALL say the same thing. "If I had known how hard my second marriage would have been I would have worked harder on my first marriage."
They DO just trade one set of problems for a different set.
Second marriages are not better, just different.
Unfortunately our EXs have to figure that out on their own and it's usually too late.

Hey everyone, we are all doing the best we can and should be proud that we are at least trying.

I have never been more thankful in my life than to have the two wonderful kids that I have.

[Golfgirl1]

All I wanted was a chance to work on my marriage of 20 years, I didn't get that, either. Sounds like for so many of us, the ex made the decision and we must go on with life. I have no kids, so maybe it will be easier to go my way? I don't know yet, our divorce should be final next week.

Our house (my dream house) is sold and I have to move in a couple of months. Not quite sure where I'm going, but I had to get out of the *prison* in hopes of moving forward. Glad I found this thread, but I hope I'm not here 2 years later.:(

[whitneypinch]

Sorry to hear you are here.

We all wish we have the chance to work on our marriages.

2 years goes by really quickly.
My situation has only changed a bit for the better in the last 6 months. It has taken that long for the dust to settle and the resentment to start to dissipate. Don't get me wrong though "triggers" happen all the time.

We march on...

[Golfgirl1]

The difficult thing is that our marriage was good, really good for many years (probably 18 of the 20). Then, he started traveling more with hi job and I begged him to cut down on the travel. But, now he tells me he loved that part of his job...I never knew. I didn't get ANY communication and he just went along with everything until the OW came in the picture and has "masked" all the hurt and anger. It's classic MLC and I fought hard, but how long do I wait? We even went to Michelle W-D who wrote the Divorce Busting books, but I think he was just "done." Since that day back in June, I've seen my stbxh a few times and he looks terrible (gained weight, very gray, very sad). Is he really happy? I would have done anything to save my marriage given the chance; I didn't get that chance. So, I stopped trying to fight it and I've begun to look forward.

I love LOVE, I will always have LOVE, and I will find another to share that LOVE. I WILL LOVE again....

[whitneypinch]

Yeh, it's a similar story for all of us. I look back at photos of my family and my EW was happy.
Then someone else came along and she decided that she really was not happy for our whole marriage and left.

My EX looks great and seems to be really happy. She is involved in everything and has not slowed down for a second. Maybe that is how she just moves forward.

Who knows with all of it.

Most people believe that eventually the WAS stops and realizes maybe it was not so bad and that the grass is not greener.

I really miss being a family. To me that is what life is all about. Anything else is a waste of the precious gift that we have been given with children.

[Golfgirl1]

We didn't have children, so I grieve that loss as well. He was the one who never wanted kids and, being a teacher, I got my fill of kids at work...or so I thought. Now, I feel really bittersweet about that and feel like I got that stolen away from me as well. I just need some help in dealing with the losses, so many of them!!

[Cautious]

The exs are only doing the same thing MWD tells us to do: GAL. The busier they stay, the less time they have to regret things. And usually, that comes in the form of staying busy with the OP. It's always easier when you have someone to give you that rush of emotion. But I think everyone eventually has that moment when they realize the grass isn't always greener, either because there are massive problems in their current R or because they feel they missed out on big stuff with their children. Kind of kills me to see the position one divorced person I know is dealing with it... he wants to be back with his family, so he incorporates himself in their lives, and his ex allows him to... and they want to be together, but they're both with OP, and SHE'S getting married this summer.

[Golfgirl1]

Yes, it's time for me to be alone...SOLO for awhile. Time for me to work on myself and GAL. Tonite is salsa dancing, tomorrow pilates. I took a rebuilding seminar and can be as busy as I want to be, but I also want to process this pain so I can heal and move forward. Of course I contributed to the collapse of the marriage and I will be SO much better the next time around, when that time finally happens.

[Cautious]

whitney, what are your small goals? Can I suggest some? I'm going to anyway. I think for you it's time to add some manipulation.

LISTEN twice as much as you speak. We have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Now the other half of this is that you have to REMEMBER what's said. If she has a hobby, ask about it. You can still be grey and ask about her interests. Plus it's an ego boost when someone is asking about you. She's going to see that CONSISTENTLY, you are asking about X hobby, and how it's going. Do some research about it too, so you're well informed when you speak. Ask interested questions. Then when you've really got her going about it, ZAP, end the conversation "Oh sorry, I'm out of time, I have somewhere I have to be right now". This little manipulation tactic works best when you're dropping OFF the kids, because she'll call your bluff about going somewhere if you have the kids. What appointment would you have that you're bringing the kids with?

Eventually OM is going to stop asking about hobbies. So you will have this "how was your day" thing going in your favor. Remember stuff she says from one week to the next and follow up. It'll put you into some good graces as a friend, but you're not making yourself too available. Remember, you won't settle for anything LESS than a full reconcilliation.