I haven't seen the NC letter but will have to check it out. If you decide to go NC you will be strong enough to do it. It took me a year to be able to even attempt it. I think we each have to get to that point at our own pace. But I can say it is hard and feels wrong but everything else I was doing felt right but didn't bring him any closer so I figured what did I have to lose. I also think sometimes we let our fears drive us and hold us back.
My fear was losing my h and pushing him towards her. When I sat back and took some time I saw that he was already gone and nothing I did made a difference in him contacting her. So I had to let go of the fear and focus on myself and my daughters. H said it was over and I had to start living like it was and if he decided to come around bonus if not it allowed me to see I could be strong and I would be ok.
I know its hard and scary but if you choose NC it does get easier
me 32 H 34 together since 92 married 01 bomb 3/08 s 3/08
H said it was over and I had to start living like it was and if he decided to come around bonus if not it allowed me to see I could be strong and I would be ok.
Then this makes even better sense to "stick it to him" and "make him eat his words" with NC!
I have never been told the above BUT I don't think it is because your H doesn't love you still! He actually was being nicer to you by not giving you hope...mine has just been silent.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
need to figure out how you all label yours with "my story" or words instead of the long link!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
And I think I have gone from analyzing every tiny thing from facial expressions to tones of voice, to the time of day he sends his text asking about S...and am now noticing "bigger" things like acts of service, whether or not he lingers, how he took the day off on my birthday, and the number of text messages he sends. I JUST DOUBT THAT THE WH CHOOSES TO RECONCILE WITHOUT ANY WARNING! I think I will see some changes in his behavior and get 2x4s from friends on here for "mind reading" or "worrying too much about him" but how will I know if I don't observe these things? LOL
you definitely don't want to analyze everything for sure! it will drive you crazy. but you do want to take notice of things so that you can gauge your progress.
and you being absent from him can be okay, but you also want to get time in for him to witness your changes and see who you are. if your always gone, then that is a little more difficult to do.
sounds like your doing good...I will try to catch up, you move quick on your thread!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
oh, and my H didn't give a whole lot of warning to me actually. I thought things were moving in a positive direction, but he was still in the midst of the A...and then all the sudden I get a text at night that he wants me to be his wife forever!
so you just never know when they are really watching you and really figuring out what they truly want.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Far too often they DON'T go to counselling when feeling like this, they find a female "friend" who has a shoulder to cry on...
depending on where a person is in their problems, and especially if there is already another possible person available to become a OW/OM, going to counselling iMHO is not always a good option. many times it will help the person discover how unhappy they are and how they need to move on and "find their happiness". now, if they went to someone like michelle, I would say differently, but even pastors, that believe in M's don't always fight for the M.
I had my H go to one, and I think it only verified his feelings for leaving. I even made sure I got a guy that was pro-marriage.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Saint go to my new thread for a q! Thank you for helping me!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Well I am reluctant to change much more because I have been occupying myself and receiving more effort on his part. So shouldn't I be doing more of the same? And please remind me why/how it could be beneficial to not act pleasant but be Spock like. What will I be looking for from WH?
you are absolutely right, you do not want to become the opposite of cheerful and pleasant. that will only show him what he doesn't want and how will that help you towards your goal?
you can do other things, but right now, you are mentioning making some changes in the last couple weeks and you have noticed his reactions changing. you need to stay on this path for a while and see how things go.
and do NOT make a decision in May to D, IMHO, that is way too soon. and what ultimatum would you give? he doesn't live there right?
so did you have the baby after or before the S (separation)
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
