The sooner the better GIMA. Don't let her do what my xh did. He was carrying clothes out of the house in front of our son and just told him he was leaving because he was confused. I told him to march his butt back in there and explain to him that he was leaving me for his adultery partner and make sure he knew it had nothing to do with him. He did, but with his tail tucked between his legs and basically mumbled my exact words back to our son. Sad.
She needs to be the one to put the words together, you need to be there to make sure she doesn't use some crap like, "Your dad and I just don't get along anymore." and "We just feel this is the best thing to do.". Don't let her make statements for your that you do not agree with.
IMO, you need to give the kids at LEAST 2 weeks notice before she moves out. Notice, I said SHE moves out. Don't you set one foot out of your home!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
That's exaclty what I plan to do. Of course, it will be characterized as me being "condescending and talking down to her" but that will tell me I'm on the right track. At the appripriate time, I will bring this up with her that we need to have that discussion (we meaning me there and her doing the talking). We are trying to get mediation dates, which right now is looking like mid April (my March is slammed). So, there is time there, unless you guys think now is the time.
And, I agree with everyone and thanks for the input.
@OP, if my W is confused, she should win an Academy award. I agree with you that confusion is good, but she does a great job masking that (not an unintentional reference to her masked depression).
Busy day today. And I'm feeling oddly calm about my M. Not sure why, but I just have a "I don't give a damn" feeling right now.
Went to a field trip with S and his class, which was a lot of fun. The time with the kids has never been more important to me than now.
Got a call today from a really good, and wise, friend. It always makes me feel better about my sitch after talking with him. Helps me realize I can handle it. And I can.
Weather was beautiful here today. Spring is on its way. Tough to work inside this time of year.
Thank goodness for spring. We can all use the breath of new life around about now.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Gima - Regarding telling the kids..please keep one thing in mind..while this is not your decision to break up the family it is also not your time to make your W look bad. It is your time to help the kids through one of the most traumatic moments of their life. It is your job to help them handle that.
At first they may not even believe you when you guys tell them. Then they will start to sense that it is real. And when it settles in they are going to be asking questions and start to become very affected. They need you to be very strong. Concentrate on them and be the strong parent that they need you to be. One that is above all the crap your W is slinging around. You're a great man and a great Dad. This is just another time that you will need to put them before yourself. It is hard. You will sit there and want to point a big number one finger at her. But that attitude will put the kids right smack in the middle of it which is the last thing you want to do.
My suggestion is that you obviously be present during the talk. But don't worry so much about who takes ownership of this decision to break up the family. Over time the kids will figure all of that out on their own. And they will grow closer to you as they understand just how well you handled it. Your purpose of being present is to try and make them understand that they are still loved unconditionally by their parents and that you will do the best you can to disrupt their life as little as possible, and that no matter where you are, they are the most important thing in your life.
When Coach advises you to lead through this, this is what I think he is referring to.
Just another stretch on the road of Strength and Honor.
Oh yeah..and you can handle it.
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
I disagree with some of the advice that you're getting about how/what to communicate to the children.
Ideally I think that you and your W would be able to talk to the children and together focus on communicating the following:
- W is making a choice to move out - we will all have difficult feelings about this, but time will take care of everything - we love you and nothing will change that - GIMA loves W (and vice versa if applicable) - this is not your fault - sometimes grownups have problems, but they are not YOUR problems - we are still a family even if W lives somewhere else
IMO, a six year old cannot be made responsible for understanding adult marriage problems, adultery, etc. They equate the love between parents to the love between a parent and child because "we are a family". Talking about love/relationships being broken introduces the possibility of a parent "not getting along" with the child and abandoning the child. They are not sophisticated enough to understand the nuances and unfortunately will extrapolate what they learn about the marriage breakup into their relationships with their parents. That's why H and I emphasized H moving out for his own good, to take care of his own needs.
Don't make your children into a consequence for your W...protect your children from the crap that is going on, and wrap them in a warm, safe blanket of love. It is very hard for them to process inappropriate information and they will internalize things in ways that you have no control over.
It's hard enough to see how much this is hurting my children, but I'm glad that H and I have united on protecting our children from our M problems and from info that they don't understand. That may change in the future, but even making the changes as gradual as possible helps them to cope.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I'm my sitch, as you well know, my kids are teens and already had figured out most of the bad stuff. It was an easy decision for me to be sure that we told the truth about what was going on, because my kids would've seen through anything else.
I spent a lot of time worrying about how "telling the kids" would play out. Like you, I read books constantly, and search the threads here for answers.
Two things come to mind: your kids are very young. 1) Tell them just what they need to know to handle the worse time of their lives. As they get older, the truth about your situation will all be sorted out anyway. 2) be careful about how you tell them "it's not your fault". I understand that kids will often hear just the "your fault" part. This was certainly the case in my own parents divorce, and I was 16.
Sorry I haven't been around much. Still been thinking about you and lurking. Hang in there.
Only you know your kids; and you'll lead this situation.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
