You guys are ridiculous again. I see the words "We were invited to a wedding", that means she was invited too. It is not in the power of the invitee to uninvite invited guests. You want to say that someone is not acting like an adult? Then I would say the person who makes an issue out of every little thing, who makes excuses when politely asked to schedule a talk, and who tries to uninvite an invited guest to someone else's affair, is the childish one.
Marriage, even a rocky marriage should not be a battleground. When his wife does go to a lawyer and seeks a divorce, will he say, "Well, some people who I have never met called Allen A and Maynard told me to act that way, so that's why I did it!"?
I had to post this b/c it is bothering me. My W just left 4 work and she aseemed very frustrated. Usually I would make her breakfast and pack her a lunch. This morning I just remained in bed and let her do everything for herself as a result she ran a little late and got upset in the process.
I understand I don't wasn't to pursue her and push her away at the same time I don't want to be so detached where she feels like I given up and push her away even more so.
Is there ever a case where "detached loving" is not necessarily the best course of action. How can sitting back and letting her do everything for herself improve our situation? All I can think is it will help her see that she CAN do WITHOUT me and bring her closer to leaving quicker.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I also wanted to add for the 7 weeks this has gone on my wife would not once consider what I had to say she did not want to hear my side of anything bottom line was her mind is made up and that is it. And then surprisingly she tells me she wants to listen and hear how I feel and she sounded very sincere and I responded with silence missing my opportunity to getting feelings across to her. How is not talking going to help our R. She has not brought it back up so did I miss my window or opportunity?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
You need to think for yourself. You are not a puppet, waiting for someone else's voice to come out of your mouth. No one on this board is a professional marriage counselor, myself included. I have the pleasant experience of having reconciled with my husband, and I believe that I have learned a lot from the experience. Most people on this board have not reconciled. In fact, to be blunt, most are headed for divorce. If you want a professional opinion, you should call the number at the top of the page and speak to a real divorce busting coach.
I think your wife made a mistake, but it may not have been a very damaging one. She did have an EA with a married man. Did it go further? Who knows. But I can tell you this in no uncertain terms, your marriage will continue to suffer if you keep punishing her for her actions. I know it feels like you are accepting the unacceptable to forgive her, but the marriage will ultimately die if you do not forgive her for the things she has done wrong to you, AND (very important) she needs to forgive you for what you have done wrong to her.
No, you are not making headway with this childish "you were mean to me so I won't do anything for you" behavior. As I said before, Allen takes the fear of pursuit way too far. Pursuit, according to Michele W. Davis is when you try desperately to get her to like you. The emphasis is on the word desperately. Not pursuing does not mean getting her to resent you or dislike you. It is simply not acting desperate. That is, it is fine to be nice to her in the normal way that you would be nice to other people. In fact, you should always treat your wife at least as well as you would treat a stranger.
You and your wife have had a crisis in your marriage. Yes, you should talk to her about it if she asks you to. I believe that you can have another opportunity. You can bring it up yourself. You can say something like, "You asked me the other day how I felt, and I wasn't ready to talk about it at that time. But I would like a chance to talk to you about both my feelings and your feelings. When would be a good time?" Or you can suggest counseling so that the conversation is in front of a neutral, third party if you feel that it might turn into an argument.
I can tell you from my experience reconciling after adultery, and after 27 years of marriage, there are many things that I can criticize my H for and I'm sure there are things that I do that bother him. But we have both learned to not say anything about them. The less I criticize him and the less he criticizes me the better we get along. We try to be considerate of each other and helpful to each other. Because that is what marriage is, a partnership in life to make things easier and happier for both people.
Let's take it one step further, let's assume that you ask for a chance to talk about your feelings and you get it. How do you talk about feelings?
Feelings are adverbs. I feel happy; I feel lonely; I feel uncomfortable; I feel sick, etc. If you are talking about your feelings it fits into a sentence in that form. On the other hand, if you say, "I feel that....as in, I feel that you were wrong, I feel that things are not good, etc. that is not feelings. Those are thoughts. What you are really saying is "I think you were wrong or I think that things are not good", etc. The test to see if what you are saying is really a feeling is to put it in the sentence form, "I feel ____________." If you don't need to insert the word "that", then you are talking about a feeling.
When you have this discussion you also want to avoid saying such black and white blanket statements as "You always....." or "You never....", because they are usually gross exaggerations. And it is important to talk about the truth, not to exaggerate and make things sound worse than they are. When in doubt, understate, don't overstate.
And the thing about having rules when you talk is, it's best if both people abide by the same rules. So we would hope that she also will talk about feelings and not what she thinks. And also would avoid making blanket statements.
That is how you talk about feelings. If it turns into an argument, then you might say, "I think for now, we have said enough. Let's think about this for a while and then we can talk some more." And you should consider asking her to go with you to counseling to help you put your marriage back on track or to a Retrouvaille weekend where they will teach you how to communicate constructively with each other.
I did not say this yet, because I thought it didn't need saying. But just in case it does need to be said, NO Name calling in your talk. If it goes into name calling the conversation is over and the fight has begun. And no one wins a fight between married partners.
How can sitting back and letting her do everything for herself improve our situation? All I can think is it will help her see that she CAN do WITHOUT me and bring her closer to leaving quicker.
It's about being Civil and working your 180's...when you R talk- even though you think it will help- you are applying pressure...when you offer hope, it is interpreted as not validating her "feelings" and trying to convince her.
Take her cues- Allen pointed out that the WAW is very flighty during these times- she can chose to pursue you or initiate things w/ you- when she does, do not get hopeful but be even keeled- if she comes and snuggles up w/ you when you are watching a movie- be recptive, and enjoy it- do not ruin it w/ "isnt this nice?, this is the way it should be or would be"
These things all happened to me and I effed it up by getting excited. The next day, I would invite her to lay w/ me and she would turn me down- hot and cold.
So take her cues, but don't force anything or encourage anything- it will seem very unfair, and she may lead you into R talk- remember do less talking than she does and when she does, validate, validate, validate...
It looks so easy now that I'm looking backwards- but it was SO difficult when I was in that sitch
I do like Lotus' segway into speaking about your feelings- that you were not yet ready at that time, and if there is a good time she wishes to hear those things...I do recommend it take place in MC/FT if at all possible
You guys are ridiculous again. I see the words "We were invited to a wedding", that means she was invited too. It is not in the power of the invitee to uninvite invited guests. You want to say that someone is not acting like an adult? Then I would say the person who makes an issue out of every little thing, who makes excuses when politely asked to schedule a talk, and who tries to uninvite an invited guest to someone else's affair, is the childish one.
Marriage, even a rocky marriage should not be a battleground. When his wife does go to a lawyer and seeks a divorce, will he say, "Well, some people who I have never met called Allen A and Maynard told me to act that way, so that's why I did it!"?
Lotus... are you READING what we type or just skimming?
I SAID in the POST to NOT INVITE, I dind't say to UNINVITE...
By NOT invite, I meant and I DID explain myself there to NOT PRESSURE or PURSUE the spouse to attend in any way. I did NOT in ANY WAY suggest to pressure or pursue the spouse to NOT attend
PLEASE READ WHAT WE TYPE before you post. I do NOT have time to correct posts that are misread. I am NOT being mean here, I am being economical with my time. If posts are read carefully, then I wouldn't have to clarify and I could spend that time responding to other posts instead of clarifying posts that were skimmed and as a result misunderstood.
