Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

and if he can't agree to do the above then I can't agree to stay married to him. DEAD SERIOUS!!!

I just want the option to R...and then will see if he actually has what it takes to do it.

I have learned that if I had to I could be a single mom. I don't like it and it is hard.

But I think anyone that wants kids should prepare themselves for that possibility because their spouse could die...not necessarily just because they could divorce them. I was naive and never really thought of that possibility (either or) and wish I did before agreeing to have a child but I am grateful I have S!!

[Lotus]

Newmama,

It's good to think about what you would need to reconcile. But my advice to you is to not set your feet in concrete. If, and when, you reconcile, it will be a process. And it may not be exactly as you envision. In fact, few things in life are ever as we imagine they will be. So yes, know what you want, but you still need to be able to dance.

[newmama]

If, and when, you reconcile, it will be a process.

yes indeed! Thanks for reading my looooong post Lotus!

[chatterbug]

So eliminate any trigger I ask him to!

Or claim them as your own.

[newmama]

Thanks Cbug but how do I claim a trigger as my own? Seriously- like the songs he listened to that I know were from her, the type of wine that he suddenly liked to drink, the shirts he bought while with her...

I have been down this road with him last January! I asked him to delete songs from his i-pod (found them saved under a different folder later- [censored]!), throw away this DVD she bought him, threw away scarves she knitted for both of us, obviously eliminate her from his phone and email, stop getting Starbuscks peppermint mochas for awhile (hey there was a reason for that!)

and I must say it felt really good to not have those reminders around! but alas, it was all for naught! I did have a hefty list of other things on there and was surprised when he crossed everything off within a few days. I just wasn't good at spying on his phone activity...

[jasper67]

Your list looks pretty good- I would rec. that most of those things take place w/in the FT appointments- as for his thinking, his actions, etc.

I only now realize how much damage my MC did w/ W and I- so take Allen's advice about a good- pro M FT.

I made my appt in a rush (poor decision), and when I asked her if she was pro-M...she said "I've never been asked that before."

Shame on me!!!

[newmama]

Good call Maynard! Thanks for the suggestion. OK now I must focus on reality and the present lol but you know what? If you don't dream it, it won't happen!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

DBing has helped to stall the D at the minimum. I also have increased my hobbies, gained control over my emotions, and am starting to feel good about myself again.

Stopping the A is NOT something I can do. There are no guarantees. It needs to be his call. I agree that I could "close the bakery." Well, all that is left is me around the house on his day off when he visits. I could tell him that he can take S with him on those days. I'll think about it...

that is really good! starting to feel good about yourself is the most important part of the equation. If we do not love ourselves, how can we love others, and how can they love us? it won't happen.

and stopping the A....you never want to force them to stop the A. you want that to be THEIR decision. And because you have been DBing, and it has stalled the D, that is because he doesn't know what he wants and he is confused, and that what YOU want. you want him to be confused as heck.

anyways, I can see that I will not have time to read the thread or follow too closely, so I hope that I can give you good advice.

btw, may I ask what WH and BW is? what is the W and B for. thanks!

[newmama]

Hi Saint! Well WH is Wayward Husband, BW is betrayed wife and OP is other person. I just refuse to not refer to my H as H until he becomes a former- then he will be a FWH and then eventually he will be a H again lol! (IF we R)

Well you see my sig for a recap but some other important tidbits include that he works with OW (although she is now in a different work group so they see each other way less but still see each other at work).

He was renting an apartment last I asked but Ihaven't asked in awhile, However, he is staying at her place!

His mail comes here still.

90% of his stuff is here. I have taken down our wedding photos and asked him to give me his ring and put it with my ring in a safe place.

I have gone from seeing him every time he comes over (6 days per week) to filling my time so that I see him mostly just on his day off from work. I was cooking for him and now have the leftovers in the fridge if he is interested.

I never ever ever ask about our R and never ever cry in front of him (not since 10/14/09).

He has made random comments about the future that refer to sharing custody of S but then makes random comments about how we will need to work on the yard, repair the house. He often refers to shared history between us (in a positive way- like "we went to the coast during that storm, remember?" "we loved going there for breakfast" etc.)

And I think I have gone from analyzing every tiny thing from facial expressions to tones of voice, to the time of day he sends his text asking about S...and am now noticing "bigger" things like acts of service, whether or not he lingers, how he took the day off on my birthday, and the number of text messages he sends. I JUST DOUBT THAT THE WH CHOOSES TO RECONCILE WITHOUT ANY WARNING! I think I will see some changes in his behavior and get 2x4s from friends on here for "mind reading" or "worrying too much about him" but how will I know if I don't observe these things? LOL

[jasper67]

that's just it, if you're aware of them and of the characteristics of the wayward that Allen gave in another thread (OIN)- you have no reason to mindread or overanalyze.

I wish I knew this stuff a few months back- and if you keep detached and w/ that inside knowledge about the flightiness, pessimistic, impulsive, negative, etc etc...all you have to do is rise above and not feed into it.

I feel your pain@!!!! I do the same w/ W