oldpilot - WH has the attitude that "it's not costing the company anything, that we pay for the sever regardless of how many clients we host". If I just send OW's company the bill without telling WH he will be angry. Part of me wants to do it just to pi** them off but is that a good strategy?
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Probably not a great idea to mix relationship-repairing strategy with business issues, regardless of any existing overlap.
Though for what it's worth, it would piss the hell out of me too.
My take would be a bit more direct because, frankly, I couldn't care less whether my spouse thinks I am controlling or not on a matter that is pretty cut and dried for me.
"I don't have any control over your involvement personally with other people, whether I like it or not. But I'm certainly not going to tolerate having to be exposed to your play partner through our business. Either take her off of our server, or submit an invoice for them to be billed."
...should you decide to go that route, that is...
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
The billing really has to be based upon your reason. If it is purely to lash out at the OW...then it is spiteful, controlling, and for all the wrong reasons.
If it is because your firm needs the cash flow and billing for server space is the usual course of action....then you should bill it. I would suppose a server runs like every computer...the more on it...the more maintenance it needs.....the greater liability of system crash and infections....so there is a cost of having empty space compared to an operating file system. So it really isn't free space...it is costing you.
The real key is YOUR REASON for the course of action.
bworl, lostforwords & OldPilot Thank you, I appreciate your opinions. It's very helpful to be able to bounce my ideas off of you guys/girls? and get your feedback.
If I look at the situation from strictly business point of view, if we were just business partners, not married, he wouldn't dare to give free services to someone, at least not without first discussing it with his business partner. This is a business not a charity.
That he didn't tell me about it until I found out (I have no way of knowing for how many months this has been going on) I find it pretty dishonest as his business partner and pretty hurtful as his wife.
So it's a matter of principle and boundaries, they should not be able to get away with it.
Originally Posted By: Bworl
"I don't have any control over your involvement personally with other people, whether I like it or not. But I'm certainly not going to tolerate having to be exposed to your play partner through our business. Either take her off of our server, or submit an invoice for them to be billed."
...should you decide to go that route, that is...
Bworl I like that, especially that it would give him an option, remove it or bill it.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila I might come from the thoughts of a different camp. Is your goal to bring your h home or go separate ways? By telling him who he needs to bill will come across controlling.
It's not right, but what are you trying to accomplish? Me personally would let it go. You can't reason with someone in MLC. He will NOT see it your way. It will only go to show him exactly why he moved out to begin with.
Be his friend and love him from a far, but you don't need to give advice or listen to him in regards to his affairs with ow if that makes sense. He seems to confide in you and wants to share that side of his life with you. I wouldn't want to be in the middle of that.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Glamgirl thank you for your input I'm flip-flopping on this one. One minute I think the way you do - just let it go... and then I think this is not right, he can't do this, this disrespects me as his business partner and as his wife, he has to be put straight. He makes me feel like a doormat.
However you have a very good point - if I make an issue out of this he will not see the situation as any other rational person would see it. Anything and everything that he is doing these days he seams to think that he is entitled to and justified.
Originally Posted By: glamgirl
Mila Be his friend and love him from a far, but you don't need to give advice or listen to him in regards to his affairs with ow if that makes sense. He seems to confide in you and wants to share that side of his life with you. I wouldn't want to be in the middle of that.
You are absolutely right, he wants to tell me more then I want to hear about OW. I'm trying to keep boundaries and I cut him of when he goes down that path. That's something I have to work on - the fine balance of being just enough of a friend to DB. And it's hard for me because I'm kind of the nurse/caretaker type.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I'm furious. He made my decision for me today. Yesterday I was thinking that I'll ignore (for now) his "giving our company's services for free" to OW's company.
I mentioned that he went to see her this week and now bombards me with cc emails to prove to me that he is working. So today he cc's me a message to our production guy discussing OW's company job. WTF. Despite going dark this week (while he is visiting her) I was just boiling and fired off an email:
"WHAT THE H***!!!!!!!!! why are you sending me an email discussing how diligently is Paul working on HER STUPID STUFF while our business can’t pay it’s bills and it’s just about to go under. Have you no shame?"
His reply:
I am sorry, it was not very sensitive on my part, I am truly sorry.... I just didn’t see it. Please, I am just keeping you in the loop with anything pertaining the business and wanted to get your feedback on the new home page idea.
My reply:
So Paul was working on it for free as well, how nice of him WTF
No reply from him
So our company is hosting her site - for free, doing a job for her - for free. Well I'm sure our production guy is nor doing it for free, I have to look through his billings to see how much he is charging us for it (it will probably be disguised as a different job).
OK so I got angry, but he can only make an idiot out of me for so long. I don't have to take everything. Sometimes I have to let him know how that I have limits.
I think that when comes back I will address this issue with him further. I want some respect.
GRRRRRRRR
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
For me there has always been two sides of this...saving myself and business. When it comes time to do business...I remove the emotional stuff...db'ing stuff...whatever and I go to business mode. Remember that I mentioned the "cost"....which is now more visible.
If it is costing your company...then you should be billing it. Know if your husband wants to cover the costs out of his pocket...fine. But at the moment it is costing you money.
It isn't controlling in mind...it is about business.
LFW, thank you. I'm little calmer now then I was in the morning. I still can't understand how My WH could think that this free work stuff for the OW is OK....but what can I say... it's not him I'm dealing with now - it's his alter ego... I will take my time to think through my "plan of action" on the subject
BTW I've read your sitch LFW, not all of it yet, there is so much. I'm slowly trying to get to know everyone that talks to me
My GAL plan for this week
1) Shopping theraphy - cheaper then a psychiatrist 2) Meeting with my Divorce/Separation support group 3) Go for drinks with my female friend 4) Look at houses for sale to see what's out there (proactive) 5) Try new gym - synergy class 6) Plan a little 3-day getaway for me and D16 (1st without WH)
Last edited by Mila; 03/10/1002:02 AM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila it is always best not to respond when you are emotional. Does you no good. Yes, your h did admit it wasn't right, but he did acknowledge he was keeping you in the loop. At least he is communicating regarding the business.
You may not like much of what you hear from him, so take a deep breath and step back before you quickly respond. Your words and actions will go much further when you can address with an appropriate response.
You have some nice goals that you set. My favorite shopping therapy. Nice work!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
