P.S. I followed the path of Tough Love. I am proud of it. I did not save my marriage. I saved myself. And I am becoming a better man because of all this [censored]. A work in progress. But thats the secret about all this that is so profound once you figure it out and start living the DB life in all your relationships.
You have already received very good advice. Now we will await your actions based on that advice. Choose your paths wisely.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Okay, so she just called about the dogs. (Remember, she's still letting them out at lunch, and took a 1/2 day today to do laundry before heading home to see her folks.)
I remained calm the entire time. I asked her about apartment hunting, and she said it was looking better (finding a place that allows pets is tough here). I told her she didn't need to, that she could come home if she wanted. She admitted she'd thought about it. I asked her if she missed all the little things, she said yes. She said she didn't ever want to lose our friendship, and I told her I still wanted more - she said she didn't know if she did. I took this okay, since it's all I've been hearing for the last month +, and it wasn't a flat out "no." I told her to think about it. If she needs time apart that's fine, but just think about it.
I also told her the affair was cowardly and wrong, and that she's a better person than that. I know it's wrong to attack her, but I did it in a calm voice and she didn't get defensive.
She said she'd think about it over the weekend and call me Sunday. I know she misses the house, misses the security, misses my family, and desperately misses the dogs. She misses our friendship and all the little things. She just doesn't know if she still wants a marriage, but she still cares for me.
This felt like a positive step to me. We talked about her leaving in a calm, rational manner for the first time, and she voiced doubts. She's not 100% sold on divorce. For the first time since she dropped the bomb I feel like I have my foot in the door.
What do I do now? Do I sabotage the first real conversation we've had about the relationship without me being clingy/weepy/angry by calling the other slime's wife now? The timing couldn't work out worse. At any rate, his wife's at work and I don't know where that is, so it would have to wait until this weekend anyway when he's out doing his super cool cop stuff.
I'm going to sleep on this one. Any advice is welcome.
Peace is not the absence of conflict. Your convo with her was peaceful because you are not challenging her, and she can continue to cake-eat, unabated.
I will say this one more time, and then I will leave you alone. I only stopped here on your thread b/c someone asked me to:
THIS WAY WILL NOT WORK. Your conversation, that you think "felt right," was at first pursuing (by MWD's definition of the term), and then you tried to "teach her" that what she was doing is wrong. Both big DBing no-no's.
One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."
Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.
And with that, I'll stop beating you up, as you seem to have your mind made up already.
Chatterbug - I guess my point here is that the primo time to expose the affair was right away, and I let that slip because I was weak and stupid. Now that she's actually moved out, but still talking to me, and has expressed doubt about it, why would I throw a wrench into things? If things between us can actually improve to the point of her coming home, why kill that chance? I took this advice straight from MWD's linky on the front page "while she decides," and if nothing else it gives me hope, which gives me confidence, the ability to sleep at night, and the strength to face another day.
Another interesting point is that the other guy may actually get a full time cop job two counties away (where he lives), removing him from the picture, at least physically. I'd insist on total disclosure from her in the future (email, text, where she's at, etc) but am willing to wait to cross that bridge. I know he's a cake eater, he wants his wife AND mine. That bird won't hunt for long.
This is my approach for today. Yell at me some more! I've waffled on this since coming on here, and I feel like I'm getting good advice. If nothing else it feels good to talk to people who are coming from where I'm at. Earlier today I was totally ready to call the other wife, but my wife expressing doubts made me reconsider.
Thanks for the tough love, Puppy. Like I said, I'm still on the fence here. I'll see how the conversation goes Sunday, and I'm coming back here for advice. Actually, I'll probably be back on prior to the convo.
What do I do now? Do I sabotage the first real conversation we've had about the relationship without me being clingy/weepy/angry by calling the other slime's wife now? The timing couldn't work out worse. At any rate, his wife's at work and I don't know where that is, so it would have to wait until this weekend anyway when he's out doing his super cool cop stuff.
I'm going to sleep on this one. Any advice is welcome.
Next conversation with W: "Wife, I will not live in an open M. If you do not discontinue all contact with OM and be completely transparent about it (open cell phone records, email, etc), I will contact OMW and let her know what has been going on and that you will not discontinue contact with her H."
This will give her a chance to stop and prove it to you. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
And let me be clear Puppy, I wasn't nice, I was calm. She wasn't nice, she just seemed rational for the first time in a month. Though she did call me "honey" which I thought was out of place.
This is my approach for today. Yell at me some more! I've waffled on this since coming on here, and I feel like I'm getting good advice. If nothing else it feels good to talk to people who are coming from where I'm at. Earlier today I was totally ready to call the other wife, but my wife expressing doubts made me reconsider.
I think you are afraid of your W. But you have to ask yourself this - what's the worst she can do? Have an affair and leave you? Too late.
Earn her respect now or you may never have another chance.
I did not have an A, but I left my H b/c of most of the WAW reasons. You should read his thread ("Coach"). He EARNED my respect, I moved home and am now more in love with that man that I was the day I married him. Tough Love works.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
