Please help with advice and support

[Greek]

I'll try to make this as brief as possible. I thought I had a wonderful marriage. Looking back there were times that I was not emotionally there, partied too much, and we stopped really communicating about problems years ago. W suggested counseling several times, but I thought that our love was enough.

You still seem to think that. How's that working for you?

Fast forward to late January. She drops the bomb, there's another man. They haven't had sex, but she has feelings for him and is torn as whether to leave me.

Translation: I want to have my cake and to eat it, too.

Last Friday she left. She moved out and is looking for apartments. The other man is married with kids, and hasn't even told his wife yet, the coward. I'm glad I never called her, or he'd be out on the street and fair game.

You do not understand. He does not want to marry your W. If he did, he would have left his W by now. He wants to have an A with your W - that's all. He is a cake eater, too, and if his W knew what was going on, he would be gone-Daddy-gone from your W. Seen it on here a zillion times.

She agreed to not get divorced, but try staying separated for a while.

Letting you down easy.

I don't know how much she's seeing the other man, but I assume they're together.

So you now have an open M.

I desperately want her back. We've been together for 12 years, married for 7. It's never been a perfect relationship, but she's my best friend and I love her with all my heart. Right now just trying to stay positive, confident, funny, and get in better shape to be more physically attractive to her.

Pursuit. It won't work. You should not be doing anything for her/to her/with her while she is involved with another man. It just makes you look WEAK. Chicks don't dig weak.

Tried to let her know last night that no matter what we'd always be friends, and that WHEN he hurt her I'd be there.

Blech. Translation: "W, I'm going down quietly so as not to upset your fantasy life. Keep seeing him. I'll just wait here and maybe you'll want me later." Very unattractive to a woman. Long suffering is not sexy. Long suffering is ... long suffering.

Do you want an open marriage?
Greek

[WhatNow]

Broken,
You are getting some great advice here.

I WISH OWH would have called and told me about them. Yes, I eventually found out through phone records. My kids and may have been saved from the months of hostility and blame we were receiving from him. His dad was dying, and he was cheating on me, but he was blaming us for his unhappiness, and using that as an excuse to be away from home all the time. LET HER KNOW!

Affairs thrive in secrecy. The excitement from the secrecy FEEDS it. Make it clear to your W that you want to repair your marriage, but you cannot be her friend while she is actively destroying it and you! Co workers, friends, and family members need to know. ASK them to support your marriage by encouraging her to end this affair. Exposure is not done to spite or for revenge, but to bust the affair. Then, you back off while all h%^& breaks loose on them. I think you should also expose your knowledge to OM, ask him to respect your marriage and and leave your wife alone.

Yes, it is scary. It may push them together even more. Have you been able to keep them apart? Pushing them together and forcing them to look at what they are doing, while everyone they know is judging them too, and fight about it all, may force an ending. At least you can throw a wrench in the fairytale.

I believe they have had sex. She is in too deep to not have. Doesn't really matter tho, damage to your marriage has been done.

Get the book "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass.


Keep up the good efforts on yourself. Do it for yourself, not to win her back. She did not get involved elsewhere because of these things. It is not your fault. You can look at why later, when you get out of this chaos she has created. Save yourself!

Keep posting. Even if you disagree with us. Some of us love to debate our advice!

BTW, I am in the dark, quietly watching things crumble.

[WhatNow]

Oh! and Don't date her! Go alone and explain why she isn't with you!!! Be proactive on this or she will be going around telling everyone how awful you are and she has to leave and then show up w/OM in a few months.

[broken2010]

Tell me this. Has this actually worked for any of you? Has calling the OM's wife actually ended an affair in any case, or does it just destroy another marriage? I took my advice from the "While your wife decides" on the front page. http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_while_spouse_decides.htm. It feels like I'm following a similar path, and that she's making excuses to hang out with me.

I'm trying to remain friends with the most important person in my life. I've battled with contacting the OM's wife, believe me, but with my wife actually inviting me out to do things with her in the next few weeks, and her having the time away to get her mind straight, the last thing I want to do is drive her further away. Yeah, yeah, I recognize what I've been trying hasn't worked, but this IS a different approach. What I tried was smothering, pleading, begging, stalking, etc. I was the jealous husband, and not a friend who recognized her fear and pain. THAT is the approach I'm taking now.

Regardless of what you all say, she is not sleeping with him. There are physical reasons that prevent it in the short term that I don't care to detail here.

The more I think about it, I know it's the right thing to do to contact his wife. I know I would want to know. At least my wife had the courage to come clean. But despite everything that's happened, it is very difficult for me to make a decision that may ultimately backfire and drive her out of my life forever.

Right now I'm trying to get his home number. I still don't know if I'll use it, but at least I'll have it ready if I do.

[broken2010]

Oh, and Whatnow, I'm not dating her. I'm going with different friends to both events. In any event both are fun events that I don't want to miss! I plan on us all hanging out as a group, but to not spend too much 1-on-1 with her. I figure the more people around, the more comfortable she'll be with me there. And the more comfortable she is around me, the easier it will be for us to eventually have the 1-on-1. I plan to let her approach me and see what happens, but I definitely plan on staying sober and not getting clingy or emotional. I've already asked friends both nights to keep me from doing anything I'll regret.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Well it may be a moot point. He lives out of town and has an unlisted number. (Oh yeah, he's a cop. Cool, huh?)

My wife's OM was a cop, too (well, going thru the academy to become one). I exposed them, including to his parents (with whom he lived) and his sergeant, as well as to their employer (their affair was partially taking place at work).

Today, 2 1/2 years later, my wife and I are still together, and celebrating the birth of our first grandchild. Her affair was busted inside of 3 months, the financial/legal bleeding stopped, and we've been about the tough work of piecing our marriage back together.

YOUR WAY WILL NOT WORK. Please check my registration date and my # of posts. This does not include my posts under another username -- Chocolateeyes -- (since 4/12/2004, and nearly 2000 more posts). I have been studying literally THOUSANDS of affairs for over 3 years, and I'm sorry to tell you:

- Your wife is lying to you.

- She cannot be trusted.

- Patiently waiting, and "being her friend" will not work.

- By your approach, she is slowly losing whatever respect she has left for you, and since women tie their feelings of "love" VERY closely with their feelings of "respect," she is losing LOVE for you.

If you want a debate, join a forensic society. If you want to bust your wife's affair and have the best chance of saving your marriage, I'd urge you to follow the ADVICE that you've received here, from some very wise and experienced posters.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The more I think about it, I know it's the right thing to do to contact his wife. I know I would want to know. At least my wife had the courage to come clean. But despite everything that's happened, it is very difficult for me to make a decision that may ultimately backfire and drive her out of my life forever.

Yep -- it is. No doubt. You've just been handed a big ol' stinking sh*t sandwich, Broken. You're about to face a whole SERIES of "very difficult" decisions. You can either run from them, or try to run around them, or you can steel yourself and run straight into the storm.

Check out one of my old threads about heading straight into the storm -- you can find them all here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...osts&page=1

For reference, my wife's affair was from May - Aug 2007.

It's time to embrace the suck, buddy. There's really no other way that works. I know the article you're referring to, and I have great respect for MWD, but on this one matter, she's simply wrong, or at least my experience has been that the approach in the article is wrong. It doesn't work.

Puppy

P.S. To answer your question, YES, this worked for me (see previous post).

[broken2010]

I think I've come to peace with this. I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and know that I did the right thing. I can't believe my life has come to this. This sucks.

[broken2010]

Now I wish I'd done it early on, before she'd left the house.

After the call what advice? Cut ties? Keep in touch? Stay friendly? She's still coming home every day at lunch to let the dogs out (I don't go home at lunch).

[Greek]

Regardless of what you all say, she is not sleeping with him. There are physical reasons that prevent it in the short term that I don't care to detail here.

For a woman, an EA means even more than a PA. Just b/c they are not sleeping together, you would be a fool to believe this puts your M in a better position. It does not. The emotional connection for a woman is much more valuable than the physical. Fact.
Greek