Your child still loves your spouse regardless of what you may think of them, don't do anything to poison them.
And here I am, butting in if that is ok. LOL!! I cannot say I know everything about what to tell and what not to tell children, but this is my story; and how this turned out regarding our son and his dad.
My husband and I have one son, who is now 23; he was 13 or 14 when my husband went into the tunnel, 15 when OW was making her unwelcome appearance. There was a time when son approached me and asked a direct question about husband having OW; I did NOT lie to him; son said he was seeing strange things that indicated this. Apparently, he was seeing strange numbers on call ID, and husband was literally running for the phone when it rang. Also, he was clearing off the call ID, ESPECIALLY when OW's number was showing, and son wasn't dumb about that. He was present when strange hairs were found in the laundry basket..and made the necessary connections that led to his questioning me.
At that same time, my husband was treating me like CRAP; and son was seeing this, also; and was VERY angry about it.
Son was smart enough to figure it all out WITHOUT me telling him...and I didn't say a word until he ASKED me, and I didn't lie. But son was mature enough to figure out what he was hearing/seeing; though a little young(I thought) to be expected to handle what he was hearing; without an explanation..and his trying to talk me into getting a divorce was also an indication of him actually being not exactly old enough to understand why I was hanging in there, instead of throwing in the towel.
I sat him down and explained what I knew he could understand; while all the time, he was venting his anger and frustration about the whole dang situation.
I became son's outlet for his frustration/anger; our relationship was close even then....but remember husband was chasing son for a relationship, so son, was NOT mistreated at all, nor in any way..in my book, if someone was going to be mistreated, it was ME who would get it; I was an adult who could handle it; and handle it, I did.
Long story short, I encouraged son to connect with husband, never "poisioned" his mind against his dad..I reminded son that my husband was STILL his dad, regardless of how he treated me. I started teaching son to separate the behavior from the person, his dad, so his love would NOT be killed through his dad's MLC. I did NOT say negative things about my husband, although, I heard a great many negative things from son. I listened, comforted, validated, and really, son was MORE angry about what was being said/done to ME than he was about himself. And he had a HARD time understanding why I was continuing to stand, when, in his eyes, I really should leave because according to son, "You do NOT deserve this, Mom. You've always been here, taking care of us, and didn't do anything wrong." He was right, but I was stubborn about hanging tough with it; I'd remembered what my husband had been BEFORE the tunnel, and figured I had NOTHING to lose but time, anyway.
As long as husband didn't haul off and hit me, I KNEW I could handle the emotional abuse. My past/childhood had caught up with me, it seemed at that time.
It was NOT an easy battle; not only did I have to deal with what was happening, I was trying to balance my own feelings against the fact that I didn't want a rift between dad and son.
In my mind, if I encouraged son to turn against his dad, it would divide the household, and divided we would fall. And I would be as much at fault for this division as my husband. On the other hand, I had son getting more and more angry; and I was really on edge about the whole situation. And afraid a literal fight would break out between the two of them. It never did, thank God.
Then I learned: I could NOT make son love and respect his dad; and I also learned that the relationship between the two WAS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY.
What I learned I COULD do, was just keep talking to son, hope he was receptive, give him an outlet to vent, support him..and that was all I could do.
The rest was up to the two of them.
I fielded quite a few questions from him in the coming months, and years, and I answered them to the best of my knowledge and understanding I had at the time. Through him, I got a bird's eye view of the teenager that comes out during some of that time; son was puzzled about his dad speaking almost identical to the way he spoke; and puzzled that his dad wanted to "hang out" with him. Dad is not someone you want to hang out with when you're 15/16 years old..but my husband wanted to do this..and I encouraged son to allow it if he wanted to. They played video games together, went places together, did things together....and I was NOT invited, but to me, that was all right. To my son, it was really weird.
He, on a side note, was ALSO involved when the "children" appeared in my husband's Acceptance phase. I remember watching the two of them playing matchbox cars in the floor during that time...or running a remote controlled car across my kitchen floor. Son also helped his dad built a car from a kit that was bought from Wal Mart.....sorry, I got sidetracked, remembering. The point is, son was involved quite a bit in this, of his own choosing; I simply gave him what he needed in information, he figured out the rest on his own.
I also prayed quite a bit about it, and the Lord answered my pleas for help. He worked within their hearts..and it took a LONG time..but they came together into a relationship of their OWN making; that had nothing to do with me.
Today, there is respect between the two, they love each other; they still butt heads from time to time, but that is a young man, and an old man for you. LOL!!
Bottom line, in the end, there was NO division of household..choices were made, relationships were built.
A few years later, son thanked me for putting so much on the line; so that he and his dad would build something together. He said that if it hadn't been for me being there for him, and talking to him, no telling what would have happened. As it was, son watched from the wings for quite awhile, and when the fighting got bad, he literally would interrupt, and ask me if I were all right...he kept a check on me like that for a good while.
Kids, in my opinion, do NOT need to know what the MLC parent is doing...and if questions are raised, the answers are age-related. Tell less when little, more when older, is a normal way of handling family issues..but this is not a normal issue/situation, either. Too many things at stake, so the rules change.
I do NOT have any experience with very young children in MLC...I just know how my own experience turned out.
The MLC'er does enough damage on his/her own; give them enough rope and they will hang themselves quickly, WITHOUT any kind of help.
Children are NOT stupid, they CAN figure this out..but can feel "caught in the middle". It ends up being the LBS' job to try and make sure this doesn't happen..but it is so hard when the LBS is at war with feelings within.
It wasn't easy for me to put my own feelings aside; it would have been ALL too easy for me to "recruit" son to my side..he was already there, I could have reinforced that stand, but I chose NOT to, and later on, I was glad I did not.
But it could have gone so easily the other way, too, it's scary to think about what could have happened instead.
Remember, this is my own humble opinion, based on what I saw in my own situation.
Each person must choose what is best for their own situations.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Since It is likely that I'll do what BND suggested and start a thread about kids with a MLC relationship, I would hope that you would post that there as well.
Quote:
Each person must choose what is best for their own situations.
AND ONLY because people new here seem to need insert tab A into slot B type of directions at first, I would offer the modification of:
Quote:
Each person must choose what is best for their own children in their own situations.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 03/04/1005:15 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
AND ONLY because people new here seem to need insert tab A into slot B type of directions at first, I would offer the modification of: Each person must choose what is best for their own children in their own situations.
No problem, Jack, I get what you mean..The whole situation to me at the time I was going through was already broken down into different areas, but I sometimes forget people don't look at things quite the way I do..that's the difference in people.
The problem with son didn't come up until I was already somewhere down the high road I was already taking; while some people are having to also deal with the child problem from word go. And having troubles separating that from what is already occurring.
Thanks for setting me straight on that.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
