Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[flowmom]

(((Newmama))), that is scary. It must be really hard for you trying to strike a balance between wanting to be there for him, but also keeping in mind the situation. I hope that there is reassuring news soon.

[chatterbug]

Your going to hate what i have to say here.

Do not be there for him now.

Let him deal with this one completely on his own.

Acts of service.... Its a killer.

Act as if.

But only to him.

To the rest of the family act like newmama.

[ravenly1974]

(((HUGS))) Newmama...I am sure this is very difficult for you, let us know how it all turns out.

Did you end up going with him to the appointment?

[P17]

Your going to hate what i have to say here.

Do not be there for him now.

Let him deal with this one completely on his own.

Acts of service.... Its a killer.

Act as if.

But only to him.

To the rest of the family act like newmama.

I hate to say it, but I agree with CB. Tough love.

[jasper67]

I too agree- it would be easy to get sucked in to being there and offering comfort-but that would be for his needs and he will not reciprocate... as is, that is no longer your job.

[newmama]

Well they are going to do a biopsy of the lump without removing the whole testicle (we are adults here so I am using appropriate anatomy talk!). Still he will be going to sleep for it. And I offered to bring S to see him but he said he would be fine. I was such an idiot-- it dawned on me that of course he would need someone to drive him home if he was put under...so SHE WILL BE THERE I am sure. He hasn't even told his family about this yet.

So without even needing to listen to the tough love being advised, I feel conflicted. How do I act when the father of my son and the only love of my life is going through this scary situation?

I will never ever ever be heartless and cold. Sorry. But I did this much and it is all for now:

Yesterday I gave him a hug when he returned. We both cried. I haven't hugged him in....7 months I think. It felt amazing. I cried openly in front of him. (Quietly) He took S to get a shot and while he was gone I went to the store. I picked up a care package of his favorite treats. I told him that if he needed anything I would be there. Then the very last thing today is I texted "I'll be thinking of you. I am sure the procedure will go smoothly." It was embedded in information about S. He didn't even say thank you. Just "I'll let you know when I wake up."

Curtain closed....am turning off the loving behavior other than asking how he is feeling. If he chooses her to be there right now, then he won't get me to take care of him. I get it. My body always knows the right thing to do, and my body felt nauseous thinking of going with him to treatment, etc. while he is with her. (My body hasn't felt nauseous letting him come over and see S!)

I do not want to hear 2x4s- this is serious stuff. I do not regret doing it.But don't worry, I know without anyone telling me that it is wrong of me to do any more- to support or help him. I guess I shouldn't have said "I will be there if you need me."

So what phrase can I say if he asks me to do something (I don't have a clue what) after I already said the above????help please!

[newmama]

anyone?

[P17]

So what phrase can I say if he asks me to do something (I don't have a clue what) after I already said the above????help please!

If he asks you to do anything, after you've offered, you can only do it. Within reason of course. Otherwise what was the point in offering.

Remember, people say all the time 'if I can do anything please let me know' - it's being polite. However, saying you will be thinking of him is just politeness.

None of us is asking you to be heartless, cold or anything else that would change who you are. What we are all saying is that this is a perfect opportunity for H to realise what he has lost. While you are there offering to be around, being helpful, giving him time with S etc. then he will not realise this. You need to pull the rug from underneath him. This is a perfect opportunity to do this. However cruel, heartless and cold it sounds, he started this game. You are only playing by the rules HE LAID DOWN. You need to win the game, either to win yourself back or him. Either way, you need to win.

My advice is to stay away from the hospital unless he asks otherwise. Let him deal with this with, or without OW, on his own. He is a big boy. He can handle it. Remember they are simply doing a standard procedure, a biopsy. They would do the same procedure with me, your dad, my dad, CB etc. etc.

I think this is also a perfect time for you to evaluate how far several months of DBing has taken you.

I also hate to say this but you need to ACCEPT that he is with OW. The quicker you accept this, the quicker you can detach. I hate to say, it's clear to me, you haven't.

Tough Love.

[blownaway65]

Newmama, we all get that this is serious stuff, possibly life threatening - and you've got no reason to regret showing concern for H.

Hard as it is for me to say though, I gotta agree with P17 on this.

Everything I've learned here in the last few months points to the WAS having to hit rock bottom before they will look back at what they've lost.

Tough Love - and be strong.

[mindfull]

Cindy:

I can't offer much but a hug. I would do the same thing you did, and, apparently Cutter/Chatter and P17 think differently. I don't know P17, but Cutter/Chatter is someone that has come through this process an amazing man of amazing character, with his heart NOT hardened through the process. Talk it through with him. Seriously.

My thoughts. I'm always avail when on the alt to throw ideas around, laugh to get your mind off of things, and/or cry to. I am your friend.