I really am not following you around but that was really good!
You own your own business? How do you keep from fixing things in your own business? Doesn't that have to be done? Of course some of this is leadership. Sounds like things I learned at the Academy but then when you gave an order someone was expected to follow it.
I do have a business (two actually), but my wife works for another company. So I do have to fix things...for myself, but I don't need to fix things for others.
One thing I did learn...there are two forms of management; 1-Give orders 2-Give help
Number 1 is authoritarian, doesn't give employees job "ownership", and uses employees more than invests in them
Number 2-Involves giving an employee clear goals and then helping them achieve those goals on their own. This gives the employees "ownership" of their work and what they achieve.
Definitely number 2...sadly most managers never take the time to to see it. Actually when all this started I was already reviewing myself...I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't place it. So I was reviewing how I interacted with my employees as situation #1 and that wasn't working. I then switched to learning how to do situation #2.
I really think that switch is what helped me through this. I had already started to look at things differently....more as a leader than a manager. One of the trademarks of a good leader is that they are comfortable in their own skin.....so I was progressing down that path.
It is still weird to look back over my transformation over the last three years. Yes some old habits still exist.....but I have changed a lot. I feel a lot better for it.
OP, I asked the same question of HB in her thread and she responded this way...
Originally Posted By: username
Hi DestinyUnknown,
Quote: What do you think the major difference is between an MLCer and a WAS?
An MLC'er is going through an emotional life changing adjustment. The Midlife transition that becomes a crisis is a confusing time for the MLC'er. They seriously cannot see what they are doing when they rip their families and marriage asunder. They feel they are doing the right thing for themselves, and their actions are viewed as weakness and selfishness.
A WAS is someone who generally has been through a great deal in the marriage, and because he/she lacks communication skills, and the knowledge to bring about a change of circumstances; will choose to walk away rather than face the issues at hand, blow it all into the open and try to work it out. That is generally seen as a weakness and also selfishness on WAS' part.
In either circumstances, OW/OM could be involved..but the situations are very different.
Also in both circumstances, neither give the LBS a chance to "fix" what went wrong. The WAS may turn back, the MLC'er may not.
I've read that the WAS is in a confused state similar to the MLC'er; but I think the confusion is not as deep as the MLC'er's.
I seriously believe, the major difference is in the knowledge of what each is doing. The WAS is well aware of what they are doing, the MLC'er is not until a much later time; when, hopefully, they start coming forward and facing their issues.
I realize I have referred to MLC'ers and WAS as one and the same before; my mistake. Their actions are at times the same, but the awarenesses are not.
Did this help?
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
What HB says is very true. A WAS spouse will act very deliberately...with a plan per say. Were as the MLC'er will be more confused....almost lacking knowledge of right or wrong in there pursuit of self-fulfillment.
I think the biggest challenge for an MLC LBS is that you have to understand that this takes years....not months like a WAS. So you have to make the choice and decide if you want to fight the fight for as long as it takes.
Interesting phone therapy session today. My sessions start with one word describing my feelings for that day. Usually it is frustration....which is good in that while I am frustrated...I understand that a lot of what frustrates me is not in my control....so in comparison with a lot of people...my noted frustration would just be a small...well very small part of what most people consider frustration.
Today was different...today I am impatient. Why? Selfishness maybe. The twist is that in two parts of my life I know that I am on the right path....but I am still impatient. So it is like I am drawing two ends of a string together...one side being my knowledge that I am doing the right thing and the other the impatience of not getting what I want at the rate I want it. This is a hard place to stand for a long time and one that a lot of us face in our marriage situations. We know that we are doing the right thing, but the results are not fast enough.
What is interesting is that a Jungian psychologist noted that the longer you can stay between these two strings....the more growth you will find. The emotional tension builds your strength and just like weightlifting....the longer you do it....the easier it becomes. I think I am a fine example of that....here I am three years into holding the two string ends that represent my marriage. I am not whining or screaming....I am acknowledging that I am impatient...looking for ways to control and understand that emotion....I know this is deep stuff....but I hope anybody who reads this finds the opportunity to achieve this level of inner knowing....as it is a powerful place to be.
So what does this revelation have to do with.....my business and my relationship with my wife. While my wife and I have have continued to grow intimacy (being communication, trust, forgiveness, honesty, etc) our passion (physical closeness, etc) is not registering on any radars or measurement devices in the world. I know it would be pushing if I broach the subject at this point and that I should be happy with what has become....but at the same time I question how much I have given myself to the situation. In the end I realize that the increased intimacy might be more fulfilling in the end and the end will be achieving my desired results...so for now I am going to be happy with what I have achieved this far....and use this challenge to grow further.
On growth....My therapist made a statement that I am still reflecting on;
Quote:
To live large, one must ask bigger questions
What does that mean to you? I am unsure what it means to me at this point....but I am curious. Do you ask yourself "bigger questions"?
My questions (big and small) revolve around my goals. Am I a good dad, a good husband, a good friend? How do I beat L4D2 on expert with Realism turned on? (joke)
I think our questions define us, and the answers shape us.
What is Life, is a big question. With an large ammount of answers. But which ANSWERS make me live large?
Life is the chemical and electirc reaction of cells either alone or in a supportive matrix.... YAWN!
Life is experience...now that answer makes me want to go get some more.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
