How could she think she has any say so with your children, let me at her.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
yes - THIS IS THE HARDEST ONE OF ALL the ow around your kids....I am so sorry to say that when my thoughts are less than pure I think how would my XH like it if I had a Step Father for my son.....I could have done that but couldnt bare that for my kids, besides what I believe about marriage and divorce! Nothin is ever the same in the second family and so unfair for the kids......i shutter to think my son is there when they go off to bed at night. it just gets no better than this and DIVORCE IS HELL and REMARRIAGE IS HELL TIMES TWO FOR THE KIDS...ITS A MESS....all of this as a lovely example as my son is starting to date at 17 almost 18.....what a great example he now has as he goes into relationships....
I agree with you totally. The worse part of this mess is the OW around my kids. OW is trying to teach my kids "christian values", she vacations with them, and goes to all their special events. IT is very difficult to act as if this does not bother me. My ex watches my every move during these times. I sense he would love for me to go irate so he could say, "see I told you she was crazy".
Ex apparently wants to talk with me about another vacation he wants to go on with the kids and OW. It does not bother me half as much as it use to but still gives me that twinge in the pit of my stomach.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
T-- wow had a huge OH YEAH.. when reading ur post. YOU ARE RIGHT ON.. about the justificatoin.. they are waiting for us to loose it.. but we won't. nope. better than that.
ur x is unbelievable.. i know hte pain you speak of.. i happened to come by soemthing of x's today.. my own fault by I saw "into" his life.. i had been so far removed for so long i had not fogotten but not experienced the heartsag/stomach pit stuff.. ugh..
having ow around ur kids would be horrible. it was hell on me as well. no words...
hugs
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Hi Trusting; I know you thought I'd ignored your question on my thread, but I missed it, somehow, and didn't see it until tonight. Here's the answer I posted:
Originally Posted By: HeartsBlessing
I'm SO sorry, Trusting; I do NOT know how I missed this one, but I did. I was reading back through the thread to see if I'd missed anything, and found your post.
Here's your answer, and again, I'm sorry.
Quote:
HB, Could you give us insight as to your interpretation of what life is with the ML'er and OW, is it typically argumentive, blissful,hell, competitive, etc...?
Could be ALL of the above, depending on who is dealing with who, Trusting. There is a couple I know; who split up, and the Midlife man went on and married his OW. He is a friend of my husband's, and has been for the past 22 years.
He went into the tunnel in 1997; and has been there ever since. He married his OW in 2007 or 2008..it may have been earlier than that.
This has to be the oddest marriage I have ever seen. The OW, who is no longer the OW, will NOT allow her husband to raise any cain, will NOT listen to it..and has directed him to call MY husband if he's got any complaints. She, on the other hand, is constantly complaining about how his ex-wife is "screwing" them both..and now remember he is suffering consequences for his actions THROUGH his former LBS. Everything the former LBS is supposed to be doing to them is legal tactics; and she has a RIGHT...but this present wife doesn't think so. The former LBS, at one point, got after him for sticking HER with the tax bill for the last year they were married. The IRS couldn't find him, so they got her, and threatened to put a lien on her house. She paid the tax bill, but she has never let him forget that.
They DO fight quite a bit, and most of the time do not care who's present when they fight. They fight over stupid stuff and at the drop of a hat. Both of them want it to be all fun and games, but life gets in the way, as it always does, and they fight. I've begun to think they're not happy unless they are fighting about SOMETHING. It is stormy most of the time with them.
From what I have observed, they live their lives as teenagers, dressing like kids, acting like kids; he is around 56, she's 47. They are SO jealous of each other it's pathetic; and they're joined at the hip. How long this will last, I have NO clue.
His children has a hard time of it; his son has pretty well come to terms with it, his daughter is another story; there is alot of damage there.
He is STILL within the tunnel..he told me a few months ago, that he was trying to make some important decisions; he's aware that I KNOW what's up with him. (He got mad at me, when I told him).
His ex-wife finally got tired of all he was doing; the wishy-washy routine, hopping between her and OW; dragging his feet about making a choice between them, and filed in 2001. He went on with the OW.
She says it was the BEST thing she ever did. It's been a few years, now and she's remarried, having married someone MUCH better than her ex-husband ever was.
She DID go on, take her journey and learn her lessons, most, before she remarried.
I'm fairly sure ain't NONE of the MLC/OW "relationships happy..there's plenty of thorns in the "roses".
It's all based on deception, and when it's based like that, it cannot last for long..and if it does last any length of time, it's fraught with trouble, heartache, fighting..and the list goes on. Only "kids" would half way put up with it, if it goes on for a long period of time; in my humble opinion.
The following has been drawn from memory and from the research I did before on OWs during MLC. Maybe this will ALSO answer your question in some depth:
I recall a posting that I wish I could find, but it is not here anymore called "Neurotics attract Neurotics" that pretty well detailed the relationship between MLC'er and OW.
It is my understanding that there are several types of MLC affair relationships between different MLC'ers and OWs.
The majority of the time it not about money, sex or anything of that sort for the MLC'er. According to Jim Conway; the Midlife man is looking for understanding and an emotional connection, and this whole scenario gets out of control before he knows it; ESPECIALLY if somewhere, buried deep within his heart, he doesn't intend to leave his wife in the first place.
There's a few that are looking for some "late night lusting" and may do several "one night stands". Don't know anyone who's done that.
In his mind, as he's looking for that understanding/emotional connection, his wife won't do; because he's seeing HER as the enemy, AND the one at fault(which is SO not true) so he begins a friendship with another woman, that, in time can get out of control, becoming the Midlife Affair. It can start as an Emotional type connection, and possibly NEVER go physical. Some start up as an EA, go to a PA, because of "trickery" on the part of the OW, who is not above using sex to keep this man, because she says she "luvs" him. Women, as a general rule, give sex to get love, and OW is like that to an extent, except she equates love with sex; and both are not the same. Trouble is, the MLC'er doesn't have any more of a clue of what love really is than the OW does.
It is also my understanding that OW, is a woman that's just as emotionally damaged as the MLC'er is; even possibly going through MLC herself. Her agenda might be the same or even quite different from his. She may be married, or not.
As strange as this may sound; he might NOT be looking for just a girlfriend; he may be "re-creating" a connection from long ago; and believe it or not; in his eyes, OW could take the form of his "mother"; so he can make the break once again (the same break he was unable to do when leaving his mother so long ago) this time for good. Yet, OW, while she's in the picture, can act as a band-aid, distracting him to that he doesn't look at his issues. He doesn't have the responsibility while with her, and she's not going to pressure him about money for kids, groceries, bills and such.
In that process, Neurotics have attracted each other..and they begin using each other for different things. Neither sees it like that; and I've heard all the terms from "she's my soul mate," to "she really understands me like no one else does." To me it's a bunch of blah, blah, blah, and yadda, yadda, yadda. Acting like a couple of teens that are SO immature.
Trouble really starts, as the "relationship" becomes close; and they start having disagreements; this comes after a period of time; most especially after the affair gets blown out into the open; whether by getting caught or by the MLC'er telling LBS what he's doing.
The MLC'er is a controller; but so is the OW; and they have fights about different issues. Depending upon how the MLC'er views the OW...their life can be stormy or relatively calm;(well, at least while they are sneaking around) neither condition should last very long, at the most, two years. Again, it depends upon the reasoning(or lack of) BEHIND the MLC affair; and it is doubtful you'd ever find out for sure.
OW is mostly insecure(remember she's got problems, too), and tries to hold on to the MLC'er by appeasement and other tactics that eventually will wear thin.
Either that, or the MLC'er will "smother" the OW because of HIS insecurities; because he really doesn't trust her(in his moments of clarity, ANY woman who will cheat with him, will cheat ON him), being excessively jealous..and THAT puts strain on their "relationship."
A general Midlife affair can last from six months to two years; yet, they've been known to last longer, depending on both parties....and will usually dissolve as the couple starts toward the stage where a committment should take place.
Even though he's not looking at his issues, a few of his issues can be settled during the MLC affair, such as the "mother" deal, or even, as the affair is melting down, he suddenly realizes that he really DOES love his wife..this can come while he's beginning to "wake up" to the fact that he's made a mess of his life.
More fighting ensues, when he attempts to break the affair off; or even as the OW realizes this is not working and tries to do it.
You will usually have one or the other who will not let go; it is rare that both will agree to call it quits at the same time.
Since an affair is an "addiction" quite similar to a drug, it may take some time to break it up completely.
If OW breaks it off, the MLC'er will chase her, pestering her; if the MLC'er breaks it off, the OW will chase him.
It is VERY important that if the MLC'er is trying to break off his affair to just watch..or even if OW is attempting to end things. It WILL add time, and/or make things worse if it is interfered with..believe me, I know, I made this mistake.
When the whole thing FINALLY winds down, the MLC'er will go into "OW Withdrawal" which is DIFFERENT than the stage of Withdrawal. He MUST have time to remove her from his heart and his mind. The patience of the LBS is tried sorely during this time; as he's processing the affair and the fallout it has caused.
As hard as it is, he must be left alone to get through; as he will be suffering greatly; this is a serious mistake he's made and a betrayal of not just his marriage, his vows and his wife, but also of himself.
I know you asked one question, Trusting, but the memories were coming back on the other, so I included BOTH in this post.
Hopefully, this will all help.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
THank you for that information HB--very imformative
I spoke with my xMIL last night--she called me all of a sudden she likes me now--never used to she told me about OW and XH while they were there in december
she said xh ow wife used to offer xh (a recovering alcoholic of 20 years) drinks like putting the straw of a margarita to his lips ect..he would sip it- hes drinking now just to show the maturtity and wisdom level of the OW and how she needed him at her level even if it meant for him to drink again she needed control peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
ACJ and TRUSTING...I will soon D'd, like many other people here. STBXW is an attractive blue-eyed blond and I'm sure that men will pounce on her (they have already and it will be THEIR problem now). I, too, will eventually face a stepfather. The best I can do is continue to be a loving father in their lives, a role model and be available to them to listen.
I understand that,perhaps, there are different issues involved when there is a step mother in place. All I can say is, as we've already read over and over here, there are some things we can control and others we can't. WE (including myself), have no control in this department other than to maintain our own values when our children are with us.
I don't look forward to the day when a permanent OM arrives and begins to enter the lives of my kids. However, it won't be easy for her, either, when I fall in love again with another woman (which I hope happens).
Perhaps my posts will be different when I am in both your places. I think it's best to choose that Irish saying, "G-d give me the serenity........."
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
