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A Message from Michele
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Joined: Mar 2008
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GH31 Offline OP
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It's been a long time since posting on here.

I had to stop in March as I found it traumatized me too much to spend time here.

Just getting on with life, working, taking a few trips, exercising and W and I are expecting our second baby this coming December.

Son is 10 months old now and an absolute joy to have around.

Still treading carefully with my W though much of the dreadful emotion has subsided. I don't think I would ever call myself a "success story" for fear of complacency and/or the #*!# hitting the fan again. Absolutely nothing is certain in this life.

I do not believe for a nanosecond that all marriages should be saved. Some really do need to end especially if you're grossly incompatible. Either way, DB is a great way to deal with the initial stages of a marital meltdown but is not itself sufficient (in my opinion) to rebuild afterwards. For one thing, both of you have to want to remain married. I can only speak from my own experience of course.

Still spending lots of time with my wife which is a good thing.

Hope all the guys that helped me in my darkest hour are keeping well. You know who you are wink.

best,

GH31


Me: 44
W: 44
T: 21
M: 19
DS11
DD10
DS3

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,274
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Wow GH - Congratulations. I keep meaning to email you....but you know how it is - the days just fly by....and I don't know where!!!!

You have obviously been doing something right and it sounds like your W has calmed down some. I am happy for you and it's great to get an update.


Saffie
me 46
H 46
M in 1986
D20,D18,S16,D13
H's A 01/05 to 07/06
H recommitted to M 07/06
renewed vows 09/06
Going from strength to strength
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,531
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Hi GH,

Congratulations! I agree with you completely that it takes more to rebuild a marriage than just DBing. I'm glad to hear that fatherhood is agreeing with you and it seems motherhood is agreeing with your wife. At least your life is not boring!

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GH31 Offline OP
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Thanks Lotus and Saffie!

Parenthood is agreeing with both of us, we're both very hands on with the little boy. He has grown up in a very loving home so far and I want to keep it that way, whatever happens to us.

DBing is not enough to rebuild, that much is true.

I would also say that it isn't possible for a man to get his cheating wife back unless mans up and takes a very strong, radical stand with her. I've never seen any man here or anywhere else win his wife back by being a sacrifical animal, doing whatever she wants and enabling her to have her cake and eat it too. I was guilty of this every now and again and I'm still dirt ashamed of myself for that when I stop and think about it. I wouldn't dream of doing it again, that much is true.

Hope both of you are doing great.

cheers,

GH31


Me: 44
W: 44
T: 21
M: 19
DS11
DD10
DS3

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 682
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GH31 Offline OP
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Posts: 682
Hello there guys,

I still lurk around here from time to time.

My W and I had a another baby in November last year (a little girl) just 11 months after our son was born.

We are OK, talking and planning what we'll be doing in the next few years and about moving overseas again, something we would both like to do. I still won't call myself a "success story" though and never will. Eternal vigilance is the price you pay for a great marriage and I have a very real fear that complacency would set in if I were to start calling myself that.

We do virtually everything together when I am around i.e. not at work and home at the weekend. We also send each other little cards and letters in the mail - she'll send stuff to my office and I'll send her something every now and again to our home so she can read it during the day when I'm at work.

I still struggle with waves of hatred, bitterness and resentment towards my W for her decision to have an A and get involved with OM. I hope that they diminish in severity and frequency with time. Trust is very slow to return. Last night my wife said to me "GH31 you are a very masculine man. The OM was a boy and you are a man ... and it's embarassing to admit that I felt those things for someone like that.". Whilst it's a pleasant thing to hear I couldn't help but ask myself why she would put me through that or if it was really worth it.

I'm very careful these days to consider W in everything I do and be a little milder with her even though she still thinks I can be blunt and harsh at times (she has a point). I also spend virtually zero time on the computer at home and we go out for coffee, walks or the movies at night wilst her dad babysits.

Reading some of my old posts, I have no idea how I survived it all.


Me: 44
W: 44
T: 21
M: 19
DS11
DD10
DS3

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,531
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Hi GH,

Always good to get an update from you. Anyone who thinks they have it bad should read your old threads. You did have a crazy time and the story could be the plot of a movie! At least you haven't had a boring life.

I do think that people mature with age. When I think back to how flighty I was in my 20's, it's so strange to me now. I hope that motherhood serves to settle your wife down.

My sister has a theory that people only think they do things for rational reasons. She says that we are just driven by hormones. And then we try to justify the things we do by coming up with reasons. But really, it's all just hormones raging.

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GH31 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Lotus
My sister has a theory that people only think they do things for rational reasons.


There's much truth in this Lotus.

People cannot possibly claim to smoke for rational reasons. It's a filthy habit, makes you cough and stink, and it sharply increases your odds of a early and agonizing death from lung cancer.

The smokers know this to be true.

Yet, they still do it and half of all smokers will die as a result of their habit.

If reason dicated what the majority of people do, this entire world would be a peaceful, thriving and happy place.


Me: 44
W: 44
T: 21
M: 19
DS11
DD10
DS3

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 682
G
GH31 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 682
Hi guys,

It's been a long time since posting but I still lurk around and read posts. I get very few chances to post nowadays with a wife, work commitments and two toddlers who absorb all my time. I wouldn't be without them though.

One of these days I will write a more detailed update but I don't know when.

A lot has happened in the last few years.


Me: 44
W: 44
T: 21
M: 19
DS11
DD10
DS3

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
Thank you for posting! I am early in piecing and struggling with it. At first I was just so happy that our sitch had turned around, now I am dealing with the evryday complexities - the resentment coming back, the loss of trust, backsliding, complacency, expectations ....

Knowing that you have been all through this and you are still there gives me hope.

At times I almost want to give up.


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 682
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GH31 Offline OP
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Posts: 682
Hi there all,

Not sure if anyone remembers me but I still lurk around here from time to time and have a read.

Time is very short now though with my wife, children and work using up pretty much all of my time. I also avoid spending too much time on the computer.

"Doing what works" and being ever vigilant is the life philosophy I try to live by. If you fall off the wagon (which you will every so often) then you get back on ASAP.

I have forgiven my wife for everything. Much of the "sitch" is a distant memory now. We even went back to the city where we lived when everything fell apart for a few days, for no other reason than we had some things we needed to do there, and I experienced no negative emotions. 4 years ago I swore blind I would never set foot in that place again. I took that as a good sign that things had moved on.

Still, I take it one day at a time and never take anything for granted. I once thought my wife would just love me for ever and never leave, no matter how much of an abusive jerk I was, and I had the rudest awakening of my life. There is no way that I will ever believe that again, in this world or the next.

Other than my family, creating prosperity at work and saying money is the next major focus.

I have found there are some wonderful resources out there. I have read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman countless times and use it essentially as a marriage philosophy, especially the Chapters Turning Toward and Allow Your Partner to Influence You.

I listen to my wife, consider her point of view in all decisions I make and when she starts a conversation (usually with an opening question or statement) I say "Tell me more....." and she does.

Vigilance, vigilance, vigilance. No taking things for granted. I still will never call myself a success story because the journey is never over. The landscape changes but the journey itself does not stop - it never does and it is very dangerous to think otherwise.


Me: 44
W: 44
T: 21
M: 19
DS11
DD10
DS3

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
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