Not really piecing and trying not to jinx it, but

[Freckle6]

Good advice. Time together is helping keep the fears at bay. I don't know if any reassurance from him would really help--after all he promised for better and for worse, till death do us part and we see how that ended up. I will feel better when/if I get an ILY again. I know he does, i'm waiting for him to know he does. And to say it.

Thanks about my kitty. It was one year and two weeks ago that I had to have her sister put down. She had kitty breast cancer and it was 9 days from the time she was diagnosed until she started having trouble breathing. We got these two as kittens when we first moved in together and they went with us from NY to SC for 4 years and then back to NY. They were our babies.

Last year when I found out Mickey (she was "H's" and the other one was "mine"--that was how they gravitated to each of us and he named Mickey and I named Link)was sick I told H and he was just like, "eh" and acted like no big deal. When we used to be away from them for a weekend or something, we would both start carrying on about how much we missed them and now that one was about to die, he acted like I told him I ate a hamburger for lunch. I was so angry! (or to tie our threads in, I was hurt that he was so dismissive about her ).

When we started talking again in the fall, one night we were IMing and started talking about the cats and he thanked me for taking care of Mickey and being with her and said he was crying right then and really missed her. Last year he just flatly said, "thanks for telling me". WTF?

We talked about Link earlier and that unless a miracle happens, her time will probably come soon because her eye looks horrible and isn't responding to anything. My poor baby girl.

[Freckle6]

Thanks, GW. I'm so sorry about the loss of your dog. This is the suckiest part about having pets. I'm only halfway joking when I say that my next pet will be one of those turtles that live 100 years. I hope they like to snuggle.

We talked about it today actually and he acted much more normal as compared to losing our other cat last February. I'll make sure to keep my expectations low though as far as how I would expect him to act. I'm not sure how I feel about him being "involved" in it because I don't think I'm ready to be that vulnerable in his presence yet!

[Butterfly1]

ok, respect your need to protect your vulnerability. That's probably a good thing if you really depend on him and he acts weird - you would be doubly devastated. You don't need that when you are grieving your dear pet.

As for the dismissal, I am getting it now - if they are too scared (hurt whatever Dr. Phil said) to be vulnerable with their feelings toward you, they wont' want to open up with any feelings at all with you. Even grief. Weird. They aren't called walls for nothing. The real person is hiding in there, we can't see, hear, or touch them in any way. If you tell a wall you are putting your cat down, the wall says nothing and just stands there.

And yea, I think everyone on these boards would agree that once the WAS breaks their marital vows, the trust will never totally return. It's a battle scar we all carry. I must say I'm wrestling with that one myself tonight. Yes, I understand H is fearful. The other side of me says "Oh boo hoo, I am too, but I'm not giving up on my M vows!!!!"

[Lost Rabbit]

Hey Freckle sorry to hear about puss, we have lost two quite elderly and one little one too early in RTA, its hard to send them on their way but at the same time remember its the kindest most responsible thing to do for them and Im sure if they could say thank you they would. I got a bonus cat when H left our little cat was so in love with her daddy she never noticed mummy, but guess whose cat she is now lol, although being the sneaky little minx she is she hedges her bets getting strokes off both of us, and H hates it when she is mummys girl all day lol!

[gutwrenching]

As for the dismissal, I am getting it now - if they are too scared (hurt whatever Dr. Phil said) to be vulnerable with their feelings toward you, they wont' want to open up with any feelings at all with you. Even grief. Weird. They aren't called walls for nothing.

EXACTLY what I just experienced with the dog, 100% accurate.

[Butterfly1]

EVen more so, they may not be able to open up feelings at all. The wall may actually be a wall to their own emotions, not to you.

[Butterfly1]

How you doing about kitty?

[Butterfly1]

How you doing around kitty?

[Freckle6]

She's hanging in so far. Her eye looks terrible and she still can't eat any dry food without regurgitating it right back up. But she wolfs down canned food and otherwise acts normal. Just taking it day by day I guess.

[Freckle6]

H is dropping lots of, I don't know if hints is the right word, but bringing up moving back here a lot this last week. But not in an straight forward way either, so it catches me off guard.

We got hammered this week with snow. 2 1/2 feet in 2 days and as a result, my mailbox was buried in snowbanks from the plows. He told me Friday that when he brought S back Saturday that he'd snowblow the mailbox out for me. He said he missed snowblowing--another thing he didn't like doing before.

He's said also how he misses cutting and splitting firewood. He disliked doing it before. I know some H, even when separated, continued to do a lot household stuff for the W, but H never, ever did. I would have chewed off my own ear before asking him for anything like that and he never offered. For almost 5 years I've mowed the lawn (3/4 acre with riding and push mowing), weed eating, snowblowing the driveway, etc.--and up until recently all those things had to be done when S was asleep and I had a baby monitor tied to me because I couldn't do them with him awake. Still, he never offered to help with those things.

He also talked lots about remodeling the kitchen, taking down walls, etc. also redoing the basement. His idea is to take the money I'm supposed to pay him by the end of next year for his buyout and for him to put that back into the house. As it is, I'll have to pull that money out of my @ss, but I can't help but wonder what that all would mean as far as ownership and whatnot--especially since we're not married anymore.

Then tonight he tells me he spent the day helping a friend move and then said that this is a good thing because now this friend owes him. The whole conversation was strange. I asked what the friend had that he wanted to collect on for this favor and H said maybe help moving someday. He said you probably don't care, but that he feels like he has a big favor in his pocket now. I told him that it was a nice thing to do and he said he hopes to get that favor back.

I then said that it sounded like he was moving somewhere soon and asked if he was going into hiding. I think I upset him with that because he said, "I guess not..." I didn't really know what else to say!

We then talked about other stuff and he was fine--not mad or anything, but I feel like he might be fishing for something and I don't really know how to respond to all this. The one DB rule I rock at is no R talk. I'm like the best no R talker around because I really live by not asking questions where the answers might not be what you want. Unfortunately, I think that's morphed into screaming and running away from all possible R talk, even when initiated by the other person.