I've taken some time to work through my anger. Now that I think it about it more, I think that her prior relationships is the issue she is trying to work through now. I remember when we were first married, she told me that all her other boyfriends broke up with her. I was the only one that ever put up with her "crap". She may be looking for closure. Who knows? I sure don't.
Hi D, When an MLC'er screams for a divorce he/she thinks it's going to end the pain...yet, when it's all said and done, the pain is STILL there.
She may scream all she wants, but don't you do anything to help her along...you see, she doesn't want to be the bad lady here...she wants yet another reason to blame YOU for her misery and to justify that deep within her, she doesn't deserve a shot at real happiness; not realizing that happiness has to come from within; and is not found in any one person or situation. You could NEVER have filled that void inside of her, no matter what you did or do now.
I realize you're not going down that road, but thought this might help you understand why she keeps trying to go there even if no action has been taken.
You're having a tough time of it, but doing fine, even if you cannot see that right now. Don't make the mistake of overanalyzing the situation, you'll lose your focus and have to fight to get it back..I was guilty of that once upon a time.
Hang in there, it'll be all right no matter what happens.
FWIW, I'm seeing Replay, as well, and detecting some anger that was left over from that stage..it's an overlap, but she's more in the Replay than in the Anger stage.
Take care of yourself, work on YOU...you're coming right along.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Sometimes to understand yourself, you take some time to look at them, and things they said
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I've taken some time to work through my anger. Now that I think it about it more, I think that her prior relationships is the issue she is trying to work through now. I remember when we were first married, she told me that all her other boyfriends broke up with her. I was the only one that ever put up with her "crap". She may be looking for closure. Who knows? I sure don't.
I think you've hit the nail on the head; she seems to be looking for closure, plus she's got other issues that probably include abandonment issues of a type. She'll have to settle that herself, but you already know that.
If you know anything about her childhood, that will help you to understand more of what she's looking at within herself.
Most of the issues that are looked at stretch all the way back into childhood long before the LBS ever came into the picture.
It's hard to explain, but I recall seeing different scenes from my childhood, and during those times, I did NOT recognize my husband at all, couldn't call up his name, knew NOTHING about him.
Sounds strange, but it's true. Experiencing that helped me to understand why he acted some of the way he acted toward me, speaking to me as if he didn't know me...and he DIDN'T.
BUT, and I digress, I had to settle these issues within myself, make peace with them, forgive the person or persons who hurt me and move on to the next issue I had...and I had quite a few.
If I could have run away from my husband I probably would have; but something held me; and to this day I cannot explain what it was.
In the end, you just have to keep staying backed off, being available if she wants to talk, vent, taking NOTHING personal; and allowing her to continue on her journey while you take yours.
Hope this helps you.
Have a good one.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
THat helps immensely. I know quite a bit about my wife's issues.
Trigger was a close friend of ours died of a sudden heart attack at the age of 40 in 05. She had known him for about 20 years.
I have pictures from Aug and Sept of 06 and you wouldn't believe it's the same person, her appearance changed that much. She also started drinking and smoking.
Her friend dying I believe was one issue she had. She had told me that OM#1 reminded her of him and that was the only reason she liked him.
She has told me in the past that she feels she was emotionally abandoned by her moither growing up. Her mom suffered from depression at the time my wife was growing up and I believe was incapable of being the mother she could have been. OM#2 was a friend of hers from grade school which would have been the same time period that this occurred.
My wife is 33 now. I believe she was going through this about 8 years ago but it never finished. At the time she was having an EA with another one of her ex-boyfriends and was trying to meet up with him when she got caught. I think that's one of the reasons this one is quite severe.
As always, thanks for your input.
To add to my earlier post why she's looking for closure from her previous relationships. She told my SIL after ex-boyfriend #1 stopped talking to her that "maybe it wasn't me all along".
That is how it will roll. What you described above is definitely text book MLC cause and reaction. She is looking for something in her mind.....that just doesn't exist. The old movie love affair that is a delusion.
Keep up the good work.....it is good to understand the causes and realize that what is going on now is just a symptom.
Well my wife texted me a joke yesterday which I didn't bother responding to. Apparently that bothered her because she texted me this morning "Did your phone die?". I sent back a simple no. And she said "You never responded to me yesterday. I thought something was wrong." I just told her I was busy.
Now she's testing me to see if I'll contact her. She had some medical tests done today and was going to text me after. She didn't I think to get me to contact her.
I feel so much better today. I've stopped emotionally investing myself in each interaction and it's very liberating.
Isn't it liberating....I remember when my wife started to come out of the fog. I was outside working and forgot to turn my IM off. She actually called me and asked why I was ignoring her....I told her I was in the yard cleaning and she replied "No you aren't...your IM is on". I explained and she still didn't believe me......funny thing was when she got home and the yard was all cleaned up...LOL.
Hopefully her test went well? Listening to her talk about things like that is good...it shows interest and concern without being relationship focused...what a friend would do.
All I can say is wow. My wife just called me to tell me that she didn't want me to feel that I'm trapped here by my job search because of her and the kids. She would move to wherever I have a job opportunity.
She then went on to ask how my Grandma is doing. When I told her that Grandma wasn't doing well, she told me she wanted me to take a trip to see her. Otherwise she knows I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't see her before anything happened. My wife said she wouldn't clean up the emotional mess if that happened. SHe then said "well I would, I don't want to have to."
