Hi GIMA! Be strong, buddy, because you will be ok. I know we all will be.
Just a comment on the legal stuff, in my sitch my H thought he could transfer the house to my name and I wouldn't want anything else because he'd done me such a big favor. Right.
Long after he'd transfered the house into my name I let him know what my L said. Without any legal S paper filed it was still a marital asset. He'd done nothing to change our legal sitch. And, moreover, my L would not let me be fine with that arrangement. He would demand a full appraisal of the property, a comparison with the value of his retirement I would be eligible for at the time of retirement (assuming growth in the value), and oh yes, half the value of the farm his Dad transferred to him because it was transfered during our m and was therefore, also a marital asset. It would also include half the value of everything else we owned such as his truck, the tools in the garage, and his motorcycle, even.
He turned a little white when I told him all this.
Sometimes being nice just doesn't work.
Let the L represent you. It is sad for you and the kids. But it is your job to look out for them by getting what you are entitled to.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Hi GIMA! Be strong, buddy, because you will be ok. I know we all will be.
Just a comment on the legal stuff, in my sitch my H thought he could transfer the house to my name and I wouldn't want anything else because he'd done me such a big favor. Right.
Long after he'd transfered the house into my name I let him know what my L said. Without any legal S paper filed it was still a marital asset. He'd done nothing to change our legal sitch. And, moreover, my L would not let me be fine with that arrangement. He would demand a full appraisal of the property, a comparison with the value of his retirement I would be eligible for at the time of retirement (assuming growth in the value), and oh yes, half the value of the farm his Dad transferred to him because it was transfered during our m and was therefore, also a marital asset. It would also include half the value of everything else we owned such as his truck, the tools in the garage, and his motorcycle, even.
He turned a little white when I told him all this.
Sometimes being nice just doesn't work.
Let the L represent you. It is sad for you and the kids. But it is your job to look out for them by getting what you are entitled to.
Came in to the office to get some work done. I don't like working on weekends, especially since that takes me away from the kids, but I have no choice right now - too much work to do, which is a good thing.
Went to breakfast on the way in to the office. And, I found my thoughts straying into an area I don't like, and have pulled back from. I found myself asking myself "Was I That bad a H that my W could not be happy? Was I REALLY that bad?"
I know it's not my job to make her happy AND I know I wasn't that bad. In fact, despite my faults, I was a VERY GOOD H. Not PERFECT, but a VERY GOOD one.
I told my W how I felt about her, how beautiful she was, how lucky I was to be M'd to her. In retrospect, not sure these meant anything to her, and, in fact, may have shown her weakness in me that she came to despise. But, it was how I felt. And I thought this was the one person on the Earth to whom I could tell all my thoughts, fears, dreams, successes and failures. If she can find another man willing to be what I was for her, then my hat's off to her. She won't.
Just rambling a bit. I know this D has a LOT less to do with me than I first thought. I have addressed the things I needed to in me FOR me. And if that's not enough, SHE doesn't deserve me.
"Was I That bad a H that my W could not be happy? Was I REALLY that bad?"
Again, you and I are in similar places. Understanding intellectually the role we played in our M's doesn't necessarily help with the feelings. But time will.
This week has been especially hard, for no specific reason. I suspect it's part of the grieving/healing process. We both know that the future will be brighter, and we need to be patient and own these feelings.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
I told my W how I felt about her, how beautiful she was, how lucky I was to be M'd to her. Sounds like a GREAT husband to me. In retrospect, not sure these meant anything to her, and, in fact, may have shown her weakness in me that she came to despise. But, it was how I felt. This sounds like HER problem to me. I can't imagine this as weakness. And I thought this was the one person on the Earth to whom I could tell all my thoughts, fears, dreams, successes and failures. This describes what I consider to be essential for a good marriage...go figure. .....I know this D has a LOT less to do with me than I first thought. I have addressed the things I needed to in me FOR me. And if that's not enough, SHE doesn't deserve me. You got it!
Logged about half a day at the office. Going home to for a run then play with the kids. I am taking the kids to my brother and SIL's house tonight to see them and their 4 kids. My D6 is so excited to see her cousins.
I found myself asking myself "Was I That bad a H that my W could not be happy? Was I REALLY that bad?"
I've tortured myself with that one too, and came to the same conclusion - yes, I was a good husband, W has even said as much -
When it comes down to it, our wives will do what they will do, and there is some stuff going on with them that don't have anything to do with us. You're a good man and you've put a hell of a lot of work into yourself and your M.
"Was I That bad a H that my W could not be happy? Was I REALLY that bad?"
Self-torture. And I've done my share.
A good husband, partner, companion, etc., = Good Person.
A Good Person's natural response to the bottom-line She doesn't want me will be with self-evaluation, with reflection: "well, then, there must be something lacking in me."
In most cases there was something lacking. A need not/no longer met by Good Person. This, too is natural. This, too happens. Especially in a marriage.
If the positions were reversed, good husband, partner, companion, etc., Good Person Would never have responded to or addressed an unmet need the way it was visited upon Good Person: filing for D, having an A, walking out, etc.
Why? Good Person, that's why.
I have absolutely no doubt that you were a very good husband.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Had a fun night with the kids. I took them to my brothers and SIL's so they could play with their cousins. They had a ball, but it about an hour from home, so we got back a little late.
