That's it exactly. I go back and forth between thinking I need a man who has a backbone and won't let me get away with crap and thinking it's good that we have different temperaments because I don't know that I want a R with someone else who's argumentative and emotional.
And it is a major character flaw but no one is perfect. I'm lazy and spoiled and it affects BF's life negatively. But he's willing to accept me as I am. Or at least until he gets sick of me again and has another affair. Which he swears will never happen.
Even if he doesn't have another affair, he does need to learn to speak up. Does he accept you as you are, or does he tolerate certain things because he is afraid to speak up. Maybe he does have a problem with you being lazy and spoiled and he wants the cat food spatula kept somewhere else, damnit.
Originally Posted By: pearlharbr
we haven't been to MC since getting back together. Yes, I think we need to because obviously there's still work to be done. But I didn't want to waste the time and money unless/until I decided that I wanted to stay with him. Is that putting the cart before the horse?
IMO, good counseling can help identify problems and determine whether they are deal breakers or workable. I think that his avoidance is something that he can change.
BTW, there's a book called something like 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' that can help bring some clarity.
Originally Posted By: pearlharbr
The immediate problem is that we're spending all day together tomorrow. We're working on the bottling crew for the local whiskey distillery in the morning then have the afternoon free since BF had to take the day off. We have dinner reservations with friends and then we're all going to a comedy show. It's supposed to be a fun day but I'm worried that I'll still be pissy and ruin it.
Well, then just stop with the pissy. The problem will still be there when you wake up Sunday morning. Enjoy yourself in the meantime.
Even if he doesn't have another affair, he does need to learn to speak up. Does he accept you as you are, or does he tolerate certain things because he is afraid to speak up. Maybe he does have a problem with you being lazy and spoiled and he wants the cat food spatula kept somewhere else, damnit.
That is a huge issue for me. I've been on the phone with two gfs who have talked me down off the ledge since last posting. The first one is finishing her doctorate in clinical psychology so I trust what she says. She thinks the meltdown could be physiological, either depression or hormones. I've thought about that before but then I think it's a copout for my laziness. I remember how I felt last year when I got the prescription for ADs and that was MUCH worse. Hormones could play a part in how I can go from 0-bitch in two minutes.
BFF noted that BF's spinelessness is apparent in his work life also so it's not just with me. I told her that I wish he would call me on my crap and she agreed. She thinks it's a sign of caring and involvement. I've brought it up before and maybe he's making small movements toward openness and I just don't acknowledge the baby steps.
I have that book and read it right after the bomb. I remember that the only sticking point for me was wondering if BF really liked me as a person. I can't remember what his one thing was, of course he was already deep in affair fog so who knows what he would think now. I've been meaning to reread it this week but just didn't get to it. I'll make it a priority next week.
After I hung up with BFF I decided to make some kind of peace for the sake of tomorrow's plans. I apologized for being pissy earlier and explained that I was very angry and needed to calm down from that and we can discuss it later. So now he just came to bed and I'd better go because I'm the one who said it's bedtime.
Thanks for being here!
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I second your episode might be of a physical nature. I always get pissy and easy to anger when premenstrual. Unfortunately I often realize it after I have an episode. Sounds like you are handling it much better than me. You are being mature about it by recognizing and trying to make peace.
The catch about being hormonal is that if anyone from a close circle comes across as brushing me off because of that it only fuels my fire.
Regarding your bf not speaking up. There are books by Gottman on "what makes M work". He's talking about different types of handling conflicts in R: conflict avoiding, volatile and validating. Per Gottman's idea, any of these types are ok as long as both partners are supporting the same type.
There is also a book "How to make M work without talking about it". There are books on any idea out there, lol.
Dearest Pearl, I'm sorry you had a rough day yesterday, and I feel for you. I went through the same stuff - angry at H for never addressing things/speaking up and then the resentments and frustrations would boil on both sides over time. There were times I snapped I was so frustrated with his passivity..and we got to the point of eggshells a lot. The unspoken annoyances. I agree w others that MC or getting some of these issues (that really get to you) out in the open before you move is a good idea. Wait until your calm and let him know the things that are on your mind, not in a confrontational manner but an honest and open one. See how he responds. That may very well tell you a lot.
Punch a pillow really hard. I just did that...get your aggression out. I also think women in general get more wound up at times over things than men - whether its hormones or whatever. I did not like how my brief experiment w AD's made me felt at all..I felt worse. Herbs and acupuncture have done wonders for me, however. I have a great place in SF that I'll tell you about if/when you do come.
I hope you are feeling a bit better today. I am thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs. ((P)) -hhh
Hey (((Pearl))) I am making an exception to my "break" from the boards specifically to respond to you b/c I actually feel like I have something to offer to this (which I haven't been feeling for awhile... )
In my R I am the passive one. It has bothered my H for years. I know it. He has raised it many times. He often has accused me of the very words I saw you use "putting it off on" him... in other words, making him feel like everything hangs on him to decide, take responsibility for etc.
I am hoping my perspective might help you see things from your BF's perspective as well...
The passivity is absolutely NOT for lack of caring. It is the opposite. I know in my R it was precisely b/c I cared about my H's feelings/wants/preferences so much that I truly wanted him to be happy and wanted him to get what he wanted (eg. where to eat, whether to out that night or stay home etc.) It truly, truly, truly would not matter to me... he could never understand that. It made me happier to feel he was getting what he wanted than for me to insist on something I wanted. Or, there really, truly wasn't a preference for me anyway.... Does that make sense? I know my H has never been able to understand this, and it has frustrated him to no end, but I truly thought it was loving to be that way before. It didn't seem to matter how many times he expressed frustration about it, I still would respond that way because I wanted him to be happy. It has taken this crisis for me to really "get it" the degree to which things like that made him unhappy instead. So, I am working on 180's to be decisive, make decisions and just stick to them, speak up etc. But, let me tell you Pearl, for someone with my personality (and maybe your BF's) it is so counter-intuitive to do that! I literally sometimes just pick a choice that I really am not invested in and "act as if" I am and be firm and decisive about it b/c that is better for our R.
I hope this helps.... I hope it might give you a window into your BF's world about this....
Rockedworld, do you think you're a conflict avoiding type? Have you read any Gottman's M books? I am curious how it works for others IRL. How do you adapt when you are not dealing with conflict the same way as your SO.
"Validating" type is when everything gets talked through.
"Volatile" is banter, confrontation.
"Conflict avoiding" is non-confrontation, taking turns.
MF, yes, he's certainly trying but I'm not sure that it's enough. What he's doing is what is comfortable for him. I don't see him trying in the most important thing--communication. And I'm not entirely sure he's the best person for me or that this R is what's best for either one of us.
WA, I'm not sure I'm handling all these hormones very well. I'm just not used to having them (was on BC pills for over a decade) that it usually doesn't occur to me either until after the fact. Testosterone and sex drive be damned, I may get back on the pill to save my sanity!
Rocked, thanks for the passive perspective. BF and I talked about this stuff when we were doing the ATA exercises. I know that 95% of the time he truly doesn't care and is willing to do whatever I want, plus I do enjoy planning activities, trips, etc. But when I specifically ask for his input and explain that I would like to know his thoughts on a major life change I expect him to come back to me with something.
So it's been a couple days and we still haven't talked about it.
We went to the whiskey bottling Friday morning and BF ended up getting wasted. The head guy approached me and asked if I was with BF (I really wanted to say no). He said it wasn't a big deal and has happened with others, he just wanted to make sure BF wasn't going to drive home. I was mortified. I drove us home and BF slept it off in the truck in the driveway. I was so pissed off because he knows how I feel about the appropriate time/place for heavy consumption yet he continues to do it without any regard for my feelings. Please don't get the wrong idea, BF does not have a drinking problem. This isn't a daily/weekly/monthly occurrence. But it has happened enough that I'm sick of it.
When he finally came in the house I told him how much he had embarrassed me, to the point that I don't feel like I can do another bottling. He said he was sorry and that obviously he had embarrassed himself too. I said it's not obvious because he usually tells me that I'm overreacting and blows it all off. I ended the convo by saying that it's not the end of the world but I'm really tired of that behavior.
Today we went out to breakfast and BF announced that he's been given an opportunity at work. The last time he said this we ended up moving to Anchorage. Not so bad this time, he's going to be travelling for most of the next 2-3 months. I don't know what kind of reaction he expected me to have but I just asked if he wanted to do that or if he even had a choice. Yes, he wants to do it and no, he doesn't have a choice. I said fine, I can manage by myself no problem. He's going to a couple places that I really want to visit (Atlanta & Charlotte) so he said I can come with on those trips.
I think this will be good for me. I'll have some space and time to figure out what I really want. I can focus totally on myself and get back into healthy diet and exercise habits without distraction.
I've decided not to bring up moving for now. If he feels strongly about it or has any big questions or concerns he needs to bring it up. I'm not going to do his work for him. I'm going to make decisions with the information I have at hand and just go from there.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Busy apologizing...Pearl...a few weeks ago I think I owed you an apology and never gave it. So...
Thanks for the reminder on hhh's thread. While I didn't agree completely on your advice about what you felt about my posts, I should've let it slide. My apology, Pearl~
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