I'll be happy to give you my opinion. Hormonal changes will be the same for both the WAS and the MLCer. That's a known fact. Childhood issues/depression are what drives the MLC train. In my opinion WAS are those who get tired of the same ole same ole and do not want to try again. There is absolutely little or no confusion on the WAS' part once they walk out the door. MLCers demonstrate a lot of confusion as they go through the crisis.
My husband was confused at 1st but once he left he knew what he wanted.....and that was to make a life with her......they planned the move for at least a yr before he finally took her....maybe my husband is just a WAS......and her eI thought he was a MLC......now I am really depressed.......
In my opinion WAS are those who get tired of the same ole same ole and do not want to try again. There is absolutely little or no confusion on the WAS' part once they walk out the door. MLCers demonstrate a lot of confusion as they go through the crisis.
Can you give some examples of what you think MLC confusion looks like vs. acting in response to feeling guilty?
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Snodderly basically hit it....the hard part is identifying the differences between a WAS and an MLC'er.
MLC- If you read up on MLC....it really hasn't become an accepted psychology diagnosis. Why? Because it really is more of a symptom to other problems. Whether it is childhood issues, abuse, depression, bi-polar...there is almost always an issue. The hard part for us as LBS is to separate our pain from the situation and look at our spouse objectively....once you can do that the path to their MLC is usually fairly obvious.
WAS-The tend to be at the other end of the spectrum. With WAS LBS posters on here you often have to read between the lines and usually the truth will come out, but the WAS is usually sick of the same ole. The WAS will usually have very specific complaints about the marriage (unlike MLC'ers who will blame everything including the weather).....and the complaints are common long term complaints. So in the WAS world the will plan to get out, save money, hide things.....there will be little or no waffling...they are just done. One of the reasons I disagree with pushing hardcore tactics on newbies is that they haven't addressed the issues that the WAS brings up.....so if the hardcore tactics work and the WAS returns...they return to the same hell they left....soon to leave again.
I think hormones can acts a catalyst for MLC, but not the cause. I have come up with four major catalysts;
1-Severe financial hardship (Bankruptcy type problems) 2-Hormonal changes (very hard to notice) 3-Death of a loved one-(obviously) 4-Moving (significant change in life) 4a-Military deployment (very similar to moving so I don't separate)
The key is that these are just catalysts that cause us to go into our integrity vs. despair portion of our human development. Then throw in unresolved childhood issues, depression, etc and MLC'ers slide right into a deep despair.
Look for the confusion with interaction with others....A WAS will refer to their marriage as done....an MLC will still refer to their spouse as their spouse. That is one of the easier hints to look for. Each person will show their confusion differently....overall I wouldn't suggest looking for it.....it is easier and more productive to work on yourself.
The question will always remain just like "when will the economy change" and "do aliens really exist. Some questions are out of our control...so we can only strive to answer the questions we can.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I feel that in MLC you have to find a middle ground on contact. Not being there at the beckon call....but also not being completely NC....more a dim. They will come and talk....but you have to be open to them coming to you and talking. The hard part is you will have to bite your tongue and validate and listen. It is hard.....but you can't probe, you can't question...you have to communicate. It is actually quite deep if you let it happen.
First understand, and then be understood.
Lost, You posted this in HB's thread and I just saw it and did not want to interupt her thread but I just had to tell you this is exactly where I am with my W right now. I am finding that we are having these R talks and it is like I am practicing what I have learned and each time I get a little better at it. My problem is that I am probably initiating too much and I keep expecting her to draw back into the tunnel but so far she has not.
I sorry to interupt your thread, but it is nice when someone pretty much sums up in a few words where you are at in your sitch and you did just that with this post for me.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
It really is learning to communicate. Even outside of our situation...how often to you sit and just listen to somebody? Just last night I was working and we were closing up. I started to talk with a veteran....and I just listened. We talked life, physics, poetry, classical language, and his experiences. He ended up crying......thanked me....and said "Thank you for just listening....a lot of people can't do that".
I think that society has lost a lot of the skill to just listen. We interject with opinion or solutions....when in reality most people just want to be heard. I have fine tuned this skill going through the process here.....and it is one of the things that has made me a better person.
She will keep coming and talking. While you do need to be aware if she is cake walking or using you for security.....you can set boundaries to stop that. The truth though....were that boundary is set is up to you. I used to listen to my wife complain about her GF...I just listened. Was it hard? Unbelievably! But she wanted to be heard.....but doing it that was is extremely challenging and really defining about your personal strength.
Personally, I would have nothing to do with her if I thought she was still seeing another person. And I would let her know that I thought it was disrespectful to continue living in the house while she did so.
Boy does this sound like my W. She has been consistent throughout the whole process. She has told everyone that it is over and she continues on with her plan. She has not waffed once. I do believe though that based on her comments of "i have lost myself" that she may be a MLCer; however, she demonstrates a lot of the WAS tendancies.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
