BUNS, ABS, AND HEART OF STEEL #3

[ACJ]

FIB I wish you well when and if the scenario you describe happens.

I agree with everything you say and I'm doing my best to be exactly that way. As an example I recently spent the best part of a whole week sitting in the same room as XH virtually 24/7 some days as my D14 had to have her appendix removed and she was very ill.

I was nice, I tried, in vain, to initiate conversation to lighten the atmosphere but XH was having none of it. He was moody, rude, inconsiderate and stuck with his usual dictatorial manner. I quite literally turned the other cheek and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My D14 had requested that no one visit her expcept for us but within 24hrs XH was parading OW (now wife) and XMIL into the room. It was made clear to me that I should leave the room for these two visitors. I did it for the sake of my D14.

A week later she was readmitted with a wound infection. My parents, who live away, had not seen her due to her wishes but I decided to take them to see her in hospital this time. XH was already there when we arrived. He made no move to repay the situation and neither was he asked to do so. He left 2 mins after my parents so clearly was sitting it out until they left.

As a result of other thigs that happened whilst she was in hospital I ended up asking my L to send him a letter. HE replied directly admitting that he was dictatorial but quite clearly thought he knew better than the L (which by the way he didn't).

This is the ongoing bitterness inflicted by th former WAS that some of us are still having to put up with despite everything supposedly being resolved.

Believe me it is NOT EASY to deal with.

[graceallday]

I just dont get it.....I mean they get what they want...the divorce ..and they treat the person who has been put through hell becuase of them ...horrible....bad....they cant even be gracious.....It is just power for the course and makes no sense..you are just left with what did I ever do and then you still cant believe they behave this way..its so very odd....I dont think there is any way to understand this

[TRUSTING]

FIB,
Your post was so well put. OW was in my kids life from day 1 after the bomb. Ex paraded her around like a steed in heat. I had to come to grips with this person in my children's life quickly. Looking back on those initial days, I was extremely threatened, scared and concerned about my children's sense of morality. I was worried that my kids would love this adulteress more than me. This did not happen. My kids first stated that she was nice and good for ex. As time went on, they saw her for who and what she is. Every month brings a new revelation to them about something amiss with her character. There is only one mother and one father. Unlike our ex's, our kids don't replace us. They are often much more mature and wise then our ML'ers.

My ex really really felt OW was going to replace me with the kids. I think he was hoping this would happen as another form of sick revenge of the Ml'er. He stated this directly to me.
He said he was wrong, the kids would never abandon me like his mother had abandoned him. Heavy stuff, isn't it.

I've had an amazing week. I got to experience a little more of what is going on in my Ml'ers world from an outside source. My ex's father (if people remember) was in a motorcycle accident last July. His passenger was killed who was my ex's stepmother. She died instantly. He had many surgeries, lost his spleen, a good part of his colon, etc... Anyway, due to the accident, his liver is starting to fail. Ex's OW is pressuring him to the hilt to get married, he is getting farther and farther in debt, he is miserable. I have mixed emotions about what is going on with him, but the bottom line is that it is what it is. I have no control over his life or the consequences he is and will experience due to his MLC. I am at the point where I really don't care.

It is very difficult to comprehend why they hate us so. When we are the victims in this mess. My ex's mother was the same way, eventually everyone she was close to she eventually hated. All I know is that is a sad way to live and I want no part in that.

[cagzmom]

T- sounds like your inner strength has pushed you to another level.

You know those 5 stages of greif they talk about.. isn't it interesting .. we all have gone thruogh them or are going through them. Strange how it is really.

I am glad taht you have chose not to hold onto bitterness and have moved beyond. (THOUGH I KNOW there is REAL hurt, REAL pain.. to our every day interaction etc with our x's.)

I have tried to follow your lead with no contact with my x. Really, for me, there is no need. My son is 21 and he can build what he can with x. It is not my place to create or hinder a relationship with them. (X has done enough to make the relationship cahnge.. which is sad.) D13 - she communicates with him about events in her life.. funny how she has gotten so strong.

Glad you have had a good week...

hugs.
cagzmom

[forward]

I think if you choose NC, you must remember that it is good for YOU. Also, I think it is a good time to get to know yourself again. I have enjoyed this and appreciate myself again.

As far as X--I do think that it is healthy to tell yourself that the X does not matter. If you get sucked into their moods and their behavior, it just drags you down.

[forward]

t is very difficult to comprehend why they hate us so. When we are the victims in this mess.

Trusting, I do not think it is good to think of ourselves as victims. I own up to some codependent behavior that was more controlling than I would like to admit. It does take two to tango. With that said, I did not deserve to be cheated on and dumped in such a crappy manner, but I figure that OW can have the

And in some ways, I am happier without X. These days are getting more frequent.

[elscotto]

Grace- i think that's one of the prime reasons I exposed my Ex and the OM. I wanted to make sure that if they planned anything longer term it would come at a steep price. Juvenile? Yep. Immature? Yep. Vindictive? Yep. Maybe someday I will regret it but it was important and still is for me to know that she won't just saunter out of a 21 year relationship with 18 happy years to have an affair, get busted, and bolt.

[faithisbelieving]

As a man, my life is truly not so different than all the women here. Divorce, like cancer, is nonselective.

My daughter had a series of febrile seizures last year and STBXW dragged her mother to the ER while I was in pain over seeing my daughter, age 6, post-ictal (after a seizure). The last time, STBXW used her mother to 'show off' her 'new found i.ndependence':
-the FIB family won't run over us anymore
-I'M CALLING THE DOCTOR
-etc.
A nurse came in to scold us..or should I really say her.

My story is just cut from the same template as all of yours. It's a pattern. I could have ejected her mother from her bedside if I wanted....but...I didn't. As TRUSTING did earlier, I sacrifice for my children now, until such time as things can be handled in a way that doesn't hurt them.

My comment to the court will be, next week or so, that my love for my children far exceeds anything negative that arises from this action while STBXW's hate and disdain for me exceeds what is good and healthy for the children. I still expect the state of NY to give custody to my STBXW, but, I will know that I tried.

The best revenge, they say, is living well. The sooner you/we move on and focus on enjoying life, the quicker their dirty looks and need to be oppressive will affect you less.

Make it a priority.

FIB

[TRUSTING]

I really feel that the thing that has saved me is going dark. It got to the point where I had to for my sanity, but have discovered that it has given me so much more.
Removing yourself from the physical presence of a person who has caused you so much pain is healing. It lets you focus more "forward" than "backward". It puts the control and power back into your life. It makes you realize that you can live totally and completely without your Ml'er. It no longer allows you to be a scapegoat or a doormat for your ML'er. He has to to find another person for this job, and usually it is the OW. It makes the Ml'er look within, hopefully. I wish that I would have gone dark at the very beginning, but hindsight is 20/20.

[ACJ]

I think the 'scapegoat' in my sitch is my children. Much younger new wife appears (from what the kids tell me) to be very matriachal and dominant. Given that his own mum virtually lives with them (as she did with us) that must be so hard on him (ha ha) but not so good for my kids.