Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

Lotus! Thanks for stopping by! I do not expect you to read the whole thread for goodness sakes! I will post a summary soon.

WN- I totally wonder about the "creating a need" idea for the WAHs...I will post more later. WH is still here and I am about to work out!

[flowmom]

Newmama, I think you are smart to follow the DB coach's advice. I think that the sitch of having young children does create different dynamics than is the case for those who have no children or older children. Even if there is an A involved.

Newmama, I do think it's good for children to have a bit of a transitional period when changing caregivers. I would encourage you to figure out a way to make it a positive time when your H is lingering a bit. I know it's hard for you though.

I enjoy the positive energy that you give off in your thread and I'm sure your H picks up on it too.

[flowmom]

here are some recipes that I love:

http://www.homemakers.com/food-and-recipes/swiss-jugged-beef-stew/r/8584

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Mexican-Lime-Soup-4320

[newmama]

Okay. So today I kept the panties in the drawer...no "droppage" LOL!

But WH arrived while I was still in PJs. I got ready and went grocery shopping for 3 hours! Well, went to Costco too.
When I returned, I unloaded the car on my own and started making the white chicken chili recipe that Mindfull gave me.

When I returned from the store, I played with S a little while WH was playing with him too.

I picked up some jalepeno popper flavored doritos at the store and ate some, and offered some to WH. He liked them and said thanks. I discovered that my new sandals still had the alarm tag on them so I asked WH if we had any wire cutters to get it off...could he please take it off for me? He said he would love to do that!

Let's see...WH cleaned out the humidifier for S. I thanked him for it. Before he left, WH said "I'll take the garbage to the curb, and I got all the garbage from the house, including S' diaper pail..." argggh! He has been doing this every week for 7.5 months now...why tell me? Is he trying to get a compliment from me or trying to point out that he is being helpful? I still said "great, thanks a lot!" like it was an extra task he did.
He said he would check in with us in the a.m. and I said "see you tomorrow!"

Now I did say something to him...I asked if he could make his famous salsa tomorrow if I got the ingredients (forgot today). Then I said "I know that I should learn how to make it though...and pizza crust and chili...I need to figure out how to make those things that you always made!" (???I don't know why I was saying that-I wasn't doing it on purpose) But he said "you could make the crust!" and I told him that yes, I could figure it out but that he really had it down and could tell what to fix if it was too sticky or something.

Then I was eating my chicken chili and commented that I would like it to be thicker. He lit up and said I could add tomato paste or reduce it down but turn the fan on low. I mention this brcause it struck me as if he was missing cooking. Oh I bet he gets to do it at OW's, but she has a tiny kitchen, hardly any pots and pans and utensils (well that was 2008). We have just about EVERYTHING you need!

So I felt good...I am thinking that it's good to make the time I do spend with him/around him pleasant, happy, and just establish consistent positive associations. I was also able to be gone and busy.Tomorrow night I am going to my class and then won't see him until Wednesday.

[WhatNow]

Okay. So today I kept the panties in the drawer...no "droppage" LOL!

But WH arrived while I was still in PJs.

Ha hee! Now...We have to do something about those PJ's he seems to be getting there early often enough to catch you in!!!! Something different??? a teddy???? with a matching robe????

Sounds like you had a great day! Keep on keepin' on!

[Lotus]

Love discussing love.. Helen Fisher (Why We Love) has narrowed love down to brain chemistry. Initial "in love" feelings (and brain chemicals that use the same receptors as cocaine!) last 18 months to 3 years, longer if there are barriers in the way of that love. Fisher then goes on to describe how love becomes warm and dependable, and attachment occurs or love dies. Her book is not about affairs, but is a good explanation of what we are all going through.

Love is a verb, it requires loving actions. The more you do loving actions for the person you choose to love, the easier it is to feel the love.

So what's the difference between these two ways of looking at love?

I'd say that Fisher's definition relates to the "in love" feeling, an adjective, while my definition has to do with "love as an action', a verb.

Have you read The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery? If not, get it, you can read it to your son. It is a children's book, sort of. It contains great wisdom about life, and the meaning of life, of love, and of death.

It is about the Little Prince and his flower and his sheep and his travels. He meets a fox and asks the fox to play with him but the fox says he can't because he is not tamed. Once the fox is tamed by the Prince he tells him the secret...."It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye"...."It is the time you have devoted your rose that makes your rose so important." Love grows from acts of love. Yes, let him do acts of service to you.

[newmama]

WN- good idea..but let me clarify something: how can I do it without coming across as chasing? And I did order some tank tops for PJs that are low cut, tight...would these suffice?

Lotus:

Have you read The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery?

Yes!! This was my mom's favorite story! Haven't read it in years though!

Well I know of an act of service I REALLY NEED, lol! but am not interested while he is porking OW.

Seriously though, do I ask him to do things like ask "could you please do me a favor?" or just leave something undone that needs to be taken care of so he will discover it on his own? Or start doing something in front of him?

[newmama]

So last night I got WH to make me his salsa-it was delicious! I left pretty quickly after he arrived here from work. I wasn't all done up (I wasn't in the mood and it won't have much of an impact if I ALWAYS am done up before I leave) but I looked decent.

So I went for a very very long walk and talked to my girlfriend on the phone.

When I returned, I ate the salsa and we hung out for a few minutes. I was friendly but did not initiate conversation... he had every opportunity to bring up R talk (good or bad) but chose to talk about S!

"We" have a good sleep routine in place and "we" should just keep doing the same and tweak as needed....

I realized that I used to be so concerned that he and OW had tons to talk about because they worked together. Well, now they work for the same company but different groups. But they don't have a child together--he and I could talk about S for hours every day! Holy moly....what do they really have in common anymore?

And about the sex....I am pretty sure they went crazy in the beginning, going all out and doing whatever they wanted, but at this point..well a man has needs and there she is. Get in, get out. "why isn't this as exciting and illicit as it once was?" he could be thinking!

I seriously doubt that their relationship hasn't "evolved" and it has no where to grow. I mean they are in limbo, too....stalemate....plateau....if he divorces me, he will never bring her around to his family, the people at work will be very disappointed, his work friends hate her, and he will lose the opportunity to see his son as much as has been. I mean they could get a place together....then what? How fulfilling will their life really be?
This is why 95% affairs end and less than 1% of marriages to OPs last.


So those are my thoughts today! Burn baby burn....

[newmama]

So last night I got WH to make me his salsa-it was delicious! I left pretty quickly after he arrived here from work. I wasn't all done up (I wasn't in the mood and it won't have much of an impact if I ALWAYS am done up before I leave) but I looked decent.

So I went for a very very long walk and talked to my girlfriend on the phone.

When I returned, I ate the salsa and we hung out for a few minutes. I was friendly but did not initiate conversation... he had every opportunity to bring up R talk (good or bad) but chose to talk about S!

"We" have a good sleep routine in place and "we" should just keep doing the same and tweak as needed....

I realized that I used to be so concerned that he and OW had tons to talk about because they worked together. Well, now they work for the same company but different groups. But they don't have a child together--he and I could talk about S for hours every day! Holy moly....what do they really have in common anymore?

And about the sex....I am pretty sure they went crazy in the beginning, going all out and doing whatever they wanted, but at this point..well a man has needs and there she is. Get in, get out. "why isn't this as exciting and illicit as it once was?" he could be thinking!

I seriously doubt that their relationship hasn't "evolved" and it has no where to grow. I mean they are in limbo, too....stalemate....plateau....if he divorces me, he will never bring her around to his family, the people at work will be very disappointed, his work friends hate her, and he will lose the opportunity to see his son as much as has been. I mean they could get a place together....then what? How fulfilling will their life really be?
This is why 95% affairs end and less than 1% of marriages to OPs last.


So those are my thoughts today! Burn baby burn....

[mindfull]

Newmama:

Don't laugh at this recipe, but it's AMAZING!!!

We live on a river, and my boys are wakeboarders. We have a wake tower boat, and it attracts 20-something wakeboarder boys to "help" my boys learn new tricks (D18 really hates it! Me, too, for that matter...!!!) Well, the wakeboarder boys take my boys every summer to this wakeboard camp up in WI, that has five pros that run it, and they stay a week. The boys all raved about this famous "casserole" that the cook up there makes. I asked him last time I was there what it was... He had some, and let me taste it. YUM! He told me it's actually a Duggar family recipe. Makes sense since he's feeding the masses up there!!!

So, here it is in case you need a good, stick to your ribs, BASIC!! (I halve this for my family of 4-5.)

DUGGAR's TATER TOT CASSEROLE
2 lb ground round cooked, seasoned, drained
3 2lb bags tater tots
2 cans cream of mushroom
2 cans evaporated milk
2 cans cream of chicken
Brown meat & place in large cass. dish.
Cover with tater tots. Mix soup & milk together.
Pour over top. Bake at 350 for 1 Hour.
(One of Daddy’s Favorites!) Makes 2- 9”X13” pans