Back here, for the second time... #69

[fb2]

I feel I am ready to do something REALLY crazy. Something that will be only for me. That will make me happy. I need to figure out what could that be...
K

Looks like things are going so well for you that its not so exiting anymore and you are out looking for some more trouble?

[Kalni]

LOL!!! fb2, I have a big smile on my face... I can alwyas count on you to set me straight!!
No, I have enough excitement in my life. I just need some joy, joy is the right word.

H told me yesterday he will be away on my birthday(3/3). To a city here. One they had been together. The day he left, I was at my priest, May 2007, crying my eyes out and wishing it was all a nightmare.

I dont care at all. He cant take me out for lunch and dancing and so on. That's what I want for my birthday. To dress up, look good, go for dinner, dancing with friends... That's what I would like. We couldnt do that together. I would have to arrange my bday surprises. LOL !!!

He cant tell me he loves me and that I am his woman, someone he appreciates and is happy that he has in his life. He cant tell me anything I would like him to. He cant. It's ok. I will be getting a nice present I can later on sell on ebay...
Kalni


PS If life is short, WTH do I bother? The C really affected me last night.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey K... you are sounding like you feel.. negative. I think, C's are there to support us, she sounds very "person centred" type counselling.. she let the session go in whatever direction it needed to the last twice. So, you expressed your unhappiness and doubt things will ever change and.. she supported that and validated! They only have to go on what you tell them and the way you paint it, it does make us all wonder.. do you really WANT this guy as your H? But it seems that you do love him, so...

When he told you that he is away on the 3rd (ignoring the connection to ow, just the fact he is away for your bd).. what did YOU say in response?
How did you react?
Did you say, ahhh.. thats a shame, I am disappointed, I wanted us to dress up..go out, go dancing with friends...?
If you did say anything, what was his reply?
Did you say.. ok, so WHEN do you want to take me out instead then, another night?

Or.. is this another time you "let him off the hook"?

He did tell you he appreciates and loves you and you are his only woman, that affects him and he listens to in that letter? But no.. he doesnt say it to your face. Have you asked him why not??

Have you asked him how it would feel if you didnt arrange anything at all for his birthday and not even the day before or after, if you had to work?

Have you asked him how he would feel if you had ignored Valentines Day?

Have you asked him if he has 'forgiven' you yet (forgive and forget) about your dalliance last summer?

What do you guys talk about !???

Sorry, lol, feeling a bit stumped lately. My feeling is.. you continue to be ambivalent about this R/your chances and like animals can smell fear.. maybe he is picking up on it and is equally discouraged!!? I still have this image in my minds eye of you two standing in adjoining rooms with a softly closed connecting door.

xxx

[Tomato]

PS If life is short, WTH do I bother? The C really affected me last night.

To me it is one of the worst if not the worst 'coined phrases' ..."life is too short". Definetely a pet peeve of mine. Reason is cuz short/long ..it is entirely and hugely relative. Short/long when compared to what?? You get what the Lord gives you in terms of time to wander on the planet. His concept of time and how much of this and that has no imperfection ..just seems like it sometimes from our flawed human view.


Decide on positiveness related to the session with the C. Only you can do that. Consciously decide. (+).. not (-)

More prayers for your pop. Hope he is finding positives too. If not, he's got you.

[Tomato]

we seem mired in a sowewhat similar mode of this overall predicament all of us are here about. Though your spouse is @ home. maybe mine too, just never felt home with me.

[saffie]

Maria,

Maybe you should be asking your C for details regarding coping mechanisms.

I know she needs to get to know you both and get a feel for the situation, but I know for me, that wasn't enough. I knew what was going on. I knew the dynamics. I didn't want to just sit and 'discuss' it all. I needed coping mechanisms. That's what the cognitive behavioural therapy helped me with. It helped me to learn to deal with that which I could deal with, and to store away the stuff I couldn't deal with until a point when I could deal with it.....and stop worrying about it until then. Because it was all the worrying about the 'what if's' that was stoppping me being able to recommit.

[sandycay]

I'll put my two cents here on the C. My thing is she is the only one out of us here that has actually met H and heard what he has had to say.

She is basing her direction on where the man has been for 3 years. He has been stuck in limbo.

Also, how long has he been depressed? Because evidently it seems since before August which is when K found out. So, he could ML to OW but not K while severly depressed.

Sorry, I don't buy it.

M~ along time ago you posted to me when I was in piecing something, when I was seeing "not so good" signs from my H. You said "I dont know what to say. I may be projecting here, I maybe waaaaay off but, he sounds like he is in the middle. In the middle of something. I cant really put my finger on it but his back and forth isnt...right."

So, I say to you ... Something isn't right, sometimes you have to stop excusing the behavior and accept the behavior for what is. He's not doing the work.


OK that said ~ on the Bday situation... I had to deal with H traveling on important dates too. It sucks but work does interefere with our expectations. Plan it for a different day. Did you want him to take off? Tell him... he can't read your mind. My H could never take off for silly reasons like that though. LOL

[sandycay]

I wanted to post seperate about you mom and dad.

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I went through similar things with my dad in 2001 and then again over the summer with mom.

I am praying for you, M.... take good care of your kid's mom. They need her!

Love,
Sandy

[flowmom]

Kalni, birthdays, valentine days...a lot of Hs botch those and truly are clueless about the hurt that results. Remember that a lot of happily married women are still nursing Valentine wounds! Ask my sister...

Really the key is to let go of expectations associated with specific dates. I find it hard because I find calendar events meaningful...a reminder to celebrate. But many men feel "manipulated" -- as if the calendar is pressuring them or putting them on the spot.

FWIW, I think it might be a good thing that your H will be away on your birthday. It sets your expectations to zero, and frees you to create the best birthday that you can.

I make a fuss over my kids' birthdays. I plan, plan, plan and bring a lot of creativity and fun (not money) to making it special for them. They love it! I wish I had someone to do that for me, but as an adult, that doesn't happen.

He cant take me out for lunch and dancing and so on. That's what I want for my birthday. To dress up, look good, go for dinner, dancing with friends... That's what I would like.

And you can make that happen. My birthday is 3 days after yours and I've made plans with 3 friends to go out to dinner and listen to jazz. I'm going to look sexy, I'm going to have fun, I'm going to have my friends make a fuss over me, and I'm going to do something that I haven't done in years. Your birthday is your day and no one can take that away from you. I challenge you to plan a birthday for you, with all the energy and love that a doting mother would devote to doing that for her child.

[Kalni]

The only explanation I have is that H is not in love with me. He loves me and as the C said, "he just cant break away from you, I dont know what it is to hold him so connected with you but he seems to have done all possible to get away from you only to come back again". It's not much different to where I am. We are tangled into a unhealthy R, both unable to take the next step although we both have good reasons. The only difference is that I am willing to act in a way that will bring back the missing emotions while he isnt.

It's how we are. I am more passionate about things and life and since I decided to turn this around, I am willing to work hard for it. He isnt that way. As long as he doesnt do his part, I hold back, as long as I hold back, he isnt "feeling" well into our M. Again a gridlock.

The C doesnt know him. And She has seen him twice. And she has told me she is not exprienced with couples counceling. I do know better where we stand. I dont buy the depression thing either btw.

H left yesterday. Which is agood thing at this point. I need a break. A week will be good. He was very upset leaving the...kids. And made me feel stupid again for a minute.

In our M, dates and anniversaries were downplayed. You see, for the first 3-4 years, all the important dates were close to other dates, sad dates, deates of death, weeks of someone being in the hospital,business trips, all these forced me to not care about these much. But I dont want that. I want it to be different.

Ali, you know, like very few people do, that when he said he wanted back, I wasnt excited and happy about it. I agreed only if he was willing to do his part. I cannot generate good feelings on my own. Loving feelings have got to be a product of our interactions. And that isnt happening much.
K