You're a good dad and a good man to be so attentive.
There's a part in the Divorce Remedy book about forgiving yourself if you've given all you can possibly give. It really struck home with me. You've done a lot for this woman. You went through Hell with her. You tell a poignant story about it. Whatever you decide to do, I'm sure it will be for the best, for you and your kids.
Good Luck,
Crushed
Last edited by crushed_v95; 02/17/1005:18 PM.
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
I'm increasingly anxious about the legal situation. I keep flip flopping between wanting to let everything sit for a while and do nothing, or be aggressive and file for D. I've come to conclusion that as long as my thinking is so erratic, I shouldn't do anything.
Legally, that's probably wise.
That doesn't mean, however, that you should just sit by and let her enjoy her little sexual rendezvous with OM, with no repercussions. If it were me, no, I wouldn't do anything LEGALLY. But I'd damned sure have some infidelitus interruptus planned for the lovebirds.
You're a good dad and a good man to be so attentive.
There's a part in the Divorce Remedy book about forgiving yourself if you've given all you can possibly give. It really struck home with me. You've done a lot for this woman. You went through Hell with her. You tell a poignant story about it. Whatever you decide to do, I'm sure it will be for the best, for you and your kids.
Good Luck,
Crushed
Hi Crushed-
Thanks for your kind words. I am trying to be a good Dad. The worst part is, the better Dad I become, the more I miss my kids!
I am working on forgiving myself, and I'm making progress. I know she failed me in our M too, even before her A started. She harbored deep resentment about things that happened early in our R, but she didn't talk about them. Her resentment came out in a myriad of ways, all of which were damaging to our M, but none were honestly dealing with the problem. My failure was that I didn't provide her a safe avenue to express herself.
I am increasingly undecided what would be best for me. I know what would be best for the kids.
But I'd damned sure have some infidelitus interruptus planned for the lovebirds.
She'll be thousands of miles away. What could I possibly do to interrupt?
Oh c'mon. I'm sure a bright guy like you could think of quite a few things.
We're told we can't control our spouse's adultery. And it's true -- we can't. But we damned sure don't have to sit idly by and make it EASY on them, either!
Oh c'mon. I'm sure a bright guy like you could think of quite a few things.
We're told we can't control our spouse's adultery. And it's true -- we can't. But we damned sure don't have to sit idly by and make it EASY on them, either!
I could text her and tell her I thought I saw her house burning down on the news. Then text again a while later and say "False alarm! Sorry, it sure did look like your house!"
Funny, when she was going on her first trip to see OM, just a few weeks after she moved out, her mom told me she and her niece (W's cousin) had a plan to also go and just "show up" on my W and OM. I told her not to go to the trouble. A friend of mine told me to have W served with D papers while she was with OM the first time.
She was clearly torn about it, she called me crying from the airport, and was acting like she wanted to stay with me and the kids. Her trip had been planned for a couple months though, and off she went. I promised myself that if she ever went again, I would end our marriage and move on. So here I am. .
Good luck on tonight Future~
We are always told to follow through with consequences we have sworn to do. As long as you believe she understood what you meant, it sounds like you need to be ready.
At the same time, consider this: - Maybe she was crying because she wants to break it off in person, but thinks you're going to D her, so she'll be alone - Maybe she might come back having broken it off, regardless of her intention.
So if she came back and said she cut things off, you would be able to shelve the D papers, but having them ready if she comes back saying she isn't sure who she wants might not hurt. You have some very tough choices to make calmly.
Once, when my wife was getting dressed to go out at about 10pm on 4th of July (instead of staying home to shoot off fireworks with our boys, as was our family tradition), I just looked her square in the eye from about 2 feet away from her and said:
"I certainly hope you're not going out to be with your boyfriend. That would be incredibly disrespectful to our family on this holiday."
She looked right at me and lied, and that was okay, because I knew I had spoiled their fun anyway. They spent the entire 2 hours at the party they went to, fuming about what I had said! (this I know. . . )
Example #2:
When my GPS sent me an e-mail that my wife's car wasn't where she said she was going to be, I drove out to investigate, and found it parked in front of a rather large house, down by the river on a quiet cul-de-sac, with OM's P.O.S. pickup truck parked in the driveway (he lived with his parents, at age 29; this was a buddy of his' house). I drove down to the end of the street, after taking a few snapshots with the disposable camera I always kept at-the-ready, and I dialed my wife's cellphone. At first she didn't answer, but eventually, she did. I said "I hope it's worth it."
"What do you mean?" she asked, sounding nervous.
"All of it," I said. "I just hope it's worth it. Really. Have a good time."
"What in the hell are you talking about?" she demanded, now sounding REALLY nervous.
"I know where you are, and what you're doing," I said calmly. I just hope it's all worth the 30 minutes of fun for you." And then I hung up.
They spent the next hour arguing about how I had known where they were (idiot OM thought it was the BMW Assist GPS on her car), instead of humping like naughty little bunnies. Infidelitus interruptus.
I'm due to give my W a support check, and I think it's ironic that I'm supposed to give it to her right before she leaves the kids with me for TWO WEEKS while she flies around the world to be with OM. When she asks for the check, perhaps I should say "I'm rethinking the whole support thing. If you have enough money to take off of work for two weeks and fly around the world to see your boyfriend, I'm not sure you need any more money from me." Note that it's not court mandated or anything, just an amount we've agreed to informally.
I guarantee she'll be stressed and fuming about that for quite a while!
Actually, what I would do is give her the check and let her know this will be the last one. Tell her once she returns a formal agreement will be put in place and the support you have given her in the past will be factored in. Answer no more questions about it. If she calls/e-mails you about it while she is gone let her know that you have decided not to discuss this matter further until the formal agreement is implemented.
Future, I know it is hard but it is time. If you are living in the home and sharing custody of the children there is no reason to be paying her support without a formal agreement in place. She works and chose to leave and thus far she has had it pretty good with your financial support. Forget mediation, forget the counselor and get an attny to initiate a formal separation agreement. Your W didn't like the mediator because she knows she can't manipulate THE LAW hence the reason she wants back in counseling. She *can* manipulate you and the C so that is her plan I think.
