I like it and am all for that... but that's just me. This is something you need to think about Future. As you know, every action you take has consequences (either good or bad). Be prepared to live with the consequences.
If the support check is not court mandated I hope that you are paying the minimum or more or less what the court would order. The reason I bring this up is because when you DO separate the court looks at what you have been paying before and "sticks" to that payment.
You know your W better than we do. Is there anything else you can do that will not be a threat?
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Thanks! Trying to keep my nerves under control. A couple beers beforehand might just be needed!
I just got a funny thought. I'm more nervous than I've been at any of the mediation sessions with my W. Wow, the worst that could happen tonight is I screw up and make a bit of a fool of myself in front of a mostly friendly audience. The mediation sessions involve the end of my M and family.
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We are always told to follow through with consequences we have sworn to do. As long as you believe she understood what you meant, it sounds like you need to be ready.
She never knew I made that promise to myself. I did tell her I wouldn't be in an open marriage though.
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At the same time, consider this: - Maybe she was crying because she wants to break it off in person, but thinks you're going to D her, so she'll be alone - Maybe she might come back having broken it off, regardless of her intention.
So if she came back and said she cut things off, you would be able to shelve the D papers, but having them ready if she comes back saying she isn't sure who she wants might not hurt. You have some very tough choices to make calmly.
Yeah, last time she came back was like that. She immediately told me she wouldn't be going back. I took that as a clear signal she wanted to save our M. Of course, then I made my stand, everything blew up, and now she's off again. Would she have been going anyway? Who knows?
I stand behind everything CG has said. It IS time. And her suggestion will also work. Along the lines of her idea -- what about giving her a check for half the usual funds and add what CG said.
You are enabling her Future! I know you're saying you're doing it out of kindness, compassion etc, blah blah blah.... But can you see that, in the end, all she is doing is taking advantage of you?
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
It's a little different in NY as far as support goes.
Child support and spousal support are different. There is no set formula for spousal support other than the ages of both spouses, the amount of time they have been married, the health of both spouses and the ages and number of children. There is no numerical formula to follow.
IMO the best defense Future could use is the support he paid her was under the notion that it was a "controlled separation" agreed upon by both spouses in order to work on the marriage. Since his W has continued to conduct her affair and not take any active steps to work on the marriage any further support will be determined via an AGREEMENT (formal). It will cover your ass Future and there really isn't a defense your W can use to counter it.
The nature of the support has changed due to situational change. That is how I would present it to the attny you retain.
Actually, what I would do is give her the check and let her know this will be the last one. Tell her once she returns a formal agreement will be put in place and the support you have given her in the past will be factored in. Answer no more questions about it. If she calls/e-mails you about it while she is gone let her know that you have decided not to discuss this matter further until the formal agreement is implemented.
Future, I know it is hard but it is time. If you are living in the home and sharing custody of the children there is no reason to be paying her support without a formal agreement in place. She works and chose to leave and thus far she has had it pretty good with your financial support. Forget mediation, forget the counselor and get an attny to initiate a formal separation agreement. Your W didn't like the mediator because she knows she can't manipulate THE LAW hence the reason she wants back in counseling. She *can* manipulate you and the C so that is her plan I think.
Hi CityGirl! Welcome to my new thread.
Wow, you are good. I think you are dead on right, as far as my W's intentions. As far as the support goes, realize I've been paying her about the bare minimum any judge would possibly allow, but here in this state, that's not saying much. The child support rules here are insane. If I want a D, and if she wants to push it, she could get a LOT more money out of me. I could put more of our marital liabilities on her though. And of course there's the little thing about her having an A, abandoning our home, and leaving our kids with me for six weeks while she goes to be with OM. She'll say the trips to OM's country were for her work, but it won't look good for her either way.
I don't know, we are "this close" to having an agreement. I don't know if I want to bring in lawyers now and get everything thrown back up into the air. Just because she THINKS she can minupulate me doesn't mean she can. I've held my own in the negotiations just fine. In fact, she's the one who's been at the disadvantage, and our MC sees right through her BS, so she'll have no safe harbor there. I've decided I will go to the MC session, I have nothing to lose. Putting my W in a very defensive posture will not be to my benefit.
Future, another thing to consider is the absolute gift you have right now from a legal standpoint.
You give your W her last support check now. She is gone for two weeks. Go retain your attny and create a separation agreement to be served to her upon her return.
In the eyes of the court you are being MORE than fair as you are not "cutting her off" you are simply requesting a formal agreement with enforceable parameters put in place for the protection of your assets and your children. If she is smart (your W that is) she won't balk at the agreement and realize if she does her transgressions will then become part of the case and she will jeopardize *any* support (remember, she brings in an income, chose to leave, committed a crime and in NY adultery is a crime and ya'll have 50/50 custody). In fact, you will look GREAT as you are still offering support and really, if she agrees to the Agreement you set forth, there will be no gap in her "support". If you do this right it could be "win-win" for you.
Don't give her time because if you do I can almost promise you she will retain an attny and file a motion for immediate support and that is when you lose control as those who strike first, well, they have the upper hand in this mess of a system. Don't give her the chance to look like the victim.
IMO the best defense Future could use is the support he paid her was under the notion that it was a "controlled separation" agreed upon by both spouses in order to work on the marriage. Since his W has continued to conduct her affair and not take any active steps to work on the marriage any further support will be determined via an AGREEMENT (formal). It will cover your ass Future and there really isn't a defense your W can use to counter it.
The nature of the support has changed due to situational change. That is how I would present it to the attny you retain.
